I am having a destination wedding, and to keep costs low I am having 1 bridesmaid, thus she is my Maid of Honor. The only guests at the wedding will by my parents, and my MOH, so this is an important position. 2 months before the wedding she informs me she is engaged to a guy that she doesn't know (lives in different state, only talk on the phone) & she is busy planning the wedding. I understand she's busy, but honestly the fact that she is marrying this guy sickens me. It is hard to watch my best friend make such a big mistake, & she won't listen to my advice. I do not want to call her to talk about the wedding, b/c she always talks about him. I cannot imagine spending a week with her on her all-expense-paid vacation that I'm giving her. I get the impression that she's going to try to make me pay for him to go, and guilt me if I don't. She hasn't planned a shower, or helped out at all thus far. Do I fire her? Is is appropriate for me to ask someone else with just 2 months notice?
2007-03-21 08:35:10 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Be honest with her. Tell her how you are feeling, but without pointing fingers at her. Acknowledge her feelings first by saying something like, "I see that you are excited about this new man in your life and I do hope the best for you (even if you don't approve of him, you can still hope the best for your Friend). I'm sorry that I have not been very supportive of you and your engagement, it's just that I have been stressing out a lot with all these plans for my wedding..." then you go into detail about 2-3 things- tops, that you need to get done and ask her if she wouldn't mind helping you out.
You'll know if she is a good Friend by how she will respond to this.
If she still goes on and on about herself and doesn't acknowledge what you are going through. Tell her how that makes you feel and from there you can either end the friendship or endure the friendship.
Something to think about: maybe your friend doesn't think you need much help since there will be only her and your parents as guests.
I also agree with mozabrat about the shower thing.
Also, just curious, but why is it only your parents are attending?
What about your fiance's family?
2007-03-21 21:00:34 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My first thought is so what if she's marrying someone you don't know or like, how is that impacting your wedding or her position in your wedding? If she hasn't planned the shower, it's making her a bad MOH but still has nothing to do with her choices in who she's marrying or why. Second, if it's a destination wedding there isn't going to be too much she has to do, other than the shower here in the states and standing with you during the day of the wedding. If she's going to stand up for you in your wedding, and you are paying for her way out there, she can not, and probably does not, expect you to pay for her fiance. If he wants to come - if he's invited - then he should pay for himself. No I don't think 2 months is short notice to ask someone else to be MOH for a destination wedding, again, not really much planning is necessary. I think that you are confusing the issues a bit. Her choice for marrying this guy should have nothing to do with her being your MOH. If she's not doing her MOH duties, then talk to her and if she can't do them after that, then yes, replace her. I know she's your friend and you are concerned for her, but you have to let people make their own choices in life. Perhaps she or someone else doesn't like your fiance - would that stop you from marrying him? Even if some of your points are valid, she's going to do what she wants and she'll be the one who has to deal with the fall out. Just be her friend by being there for her when she needs you - just like she should be doing for you now. Just talk to her. Good luck.
2007-03-21 08:59:45 · answer #2 · answered by Brandy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She sounds as if she's lost her mind. She never even met someone she's engaged to? I never heard such a thing!
We're having a destination wedding and decided against attendants because it was getting complicated, and the whole reason to have a destination wedding to to make it easy. As far as a shower goes, my fiance's aunts have decided to throw us a shower, which I thought was very nice, even though most people will only be able to attend the reception and not the ceremony. People are being invited to the ceremony, but we are only paying for 13 (immediate family) to attend and others are coming on their own dime-and their attendance is their gift to us. People seem excited about my shower, not put off in the least.
Maybe you can tell her you've rethought your wedding, and you're no longer going to have any attendants, but you hope she will still come. That should give her a message, but it also may kill your friendship. You have to be prepared for that if you uninvite her to be your MOH.
2007-03-21 08:52:22 · answer #3 · answered by melouofs 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Shower? I would never go to a shower if I were not invited to the wedding. Maybe she is not planning your shower because she realizes that it is rude to basically have someone else pay for a party for you to sit and collect gifts from people that you are not inviting to your wedding, but want a handout from. With destination weddings you get the nice destination, but you are cutting most everyone out of your wedding that would normally be there. Do not expect the same scenarios from a destination wedding. That could very well be why she has not planned a shower. I wouldn't feel comfortable throwing that shower.
2007-03-21 09:14:45 · answer #4 · answered by Lillianne 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Depends on how close you are. If you can't talk to her honestly then how did you choose her to be MOH? It's your decision but make it fast to be fair to her and someone else. If you are having a destination wedding and no one is invited, it's a little rude to expect a shower and gifts from people who are going to be invited. The most proper thing would be to send announcements after the wedding, and if people would like to send a gift or card they could knowing that the wedding already took place. HAVE FUN and don't stress too much about it. If nothing else how about your Mom as MOH?
2007-03-21 08:42:23 · answer #5 · answered by teamkimme 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
First, why would you expect a shower? It's generally considered rude to have a shower and invite people not invited to the wedding. If you want gifts, you need to have a reception upon your return.
As far as your MOH, what did you expect? Were YOU clear about your expectations? I wouldn't fire her (but stand firm about paying for her finace, that wasn't in your budget - unless you are paying for a finace/boyfriend of the Best Man).
Her happiness is her happiness. Who knows someone's reasons for their choices. But be fair. Make a no wedding talk rule, and stick to it yourself. If you are sharing your details, she should be able to share hers.
And keep your advice to yourself, unless she asks. Just make sure she knows that you care about her and will always be there for her. If it is a mistake, she'll need you and if not, you'll regret having destroyed a friendship over nothing.
2007-03-21 08:50:05 · answer #6 · answered by apbanpos 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It really bugs me when brides to be use the term "fire" when referring to their bridesmaids. You're not a CEO of some major corporation. When you told her you were getting married did she have such a strong opinion of your fiance as you seem to have of hers? If you are a true friend you will let her find out on her own and allow her to make her own mistakes. She can't "make" you pay for anything. You tell her you have a certain budget and paying for an additional person would put a financial burden on you and your fiance. Case closed.
2007-03-21 09:25:23 · answer #7 · answered by Kimmy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's prob. to late to replace her. She really should be gratefull that your paying for her to go on the trip, she even hints around your paying for her fiance, just be straight with her and tell her it's not really possible, also let her know that you wouldn't feel comfortable paying for someone to go to the wedding, when you don't know this person. As far as the shower goes. Tell her that a few family members, and friends have been asking you about a shower. Tell her that you told them that you'd ask her and get back to them.
2007-03-21 08:44:46 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's your wedding, you make the decisions. If you absolutely have to have her as MOH and are paying for her to go, then she (and/or accompaniment) should have to fork up the extra if he goes. But don't make any pre-determinations about her chosen one yet. Making those kinds of plans with someone you've never met is not something that you or I would do, but everyone is not like us. Good luck and congrats!
2007-03-21 08:47:13 · answer #9 · answered by Denise D 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you feel that she is not working out for you in the role of MOH, then its something you need to tell her. If you are paying for her to go, she has to take on her responsibilities. You can ask someone else to step in if that is the decision you make with firing her from her duties. Do not be bullied into paying for him - if she insists on it, let her know that you are paying for her and if he wants to go she will either have to pony up the money or let him pay for his own way.
Times like this is when you know who your friends are and aren't.
2007-03-21 09:39:38 · answer #10 · answered by Scarlett 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋