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I'm having a delimma only because I'm trying not to do anything out of spite. I don't really know my father. When my mother got pregnant, he left the state and didn't come back until I was born. He signed his rights to me away when I was about 6. I didn't meet him until I was 13 and he didn't make any effort to get to know me. All of a sudden, at 22, he decides he wants a daughter. By then, I was through. I don't hate him, I just don't know him and don't have any desire to now. The problem is that I have very good relationships with everyone else on his side of the family. So, now I'm married and 14 weeks pregnant. Everyone on that side knows but him. They all think I should tell him. My mother says it's my decision, but she doesn't think I should feel pressed to inform him. I have no plans for this child to have a relationship with him. Should I tell him anyway, just so he'll know he's gonna be a grandfather? BTW, my husband doesn't think I should, but said you decide.

2007-03-21 08:30:39 · 8 answers · asked by sassy2midnite 3 in Family & Relationships Family

I don't think it will change the way anyone thinks, but I wanted to clear something up. I'm 28 now. So it's been 6 years since he decided he wanted to get to know me, and he pops up about every 6 months or so. Out of respect, he still has all my contact info, he just doesn't contact me.

2007-03-21 08:52:29 · update #1

I do want to say one thing. I never asked him to not contact me. I've never told him I have no desire to get to know him. Actually, I've never said anything. When my grandmother (his mother) was still living, out of respect for her, I would go to visit him. Even now, out of respect for my aunts, if he says he wants to see me or needs something, I'm there. I don't go out of my way. And I'm never disrespectful to him. I just truely don't have a desire to get to know him. I've never denied who he is, which is why I made sure my husband met him before we married. He contacts me every 6 months or so because that's when he thinks to. He knows where I live, where I work, he knew where I volunteered (we happened to work with the same church in different capacities at one time). So I don't want anyone to think I'm purposely not telling him to hurt him. It has honestly never crossed my mind. I don't know him. He's my father biologically only.

2007-03-22 02:21:39 · update #2

8 answers

seeing that he signed his rights from you when you were 6,that means that he didn't want anything to do with you then and that also means that he doesn't now.go on with your own family and be happy and remember what your father did to you and make sure that it doesn't happen to your child ever,learn from your fathers mistake and don't make it your own.

2007-03-21 09:54:03 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1 1

Ultimately the decision is up to you but it seems that your father has realized the error of his ways and although you may wish that he did it more rapidly than he did at least he is doing it now. You said that he has your contact information but is respecting your wishes and not completely invading your space with his wants and desires for a relationship. It may be the most difficult thing for you to do to forgive him for his past mistakes but last time I checked the only water that most of us can walk on is frozen. Admitting that he was wrong I can only assume was a difficult and painful thing for him. But he has done it and is trying to establish some sort of relationship with you yet still give you the space and respect that you are asking for at this time. All children deserve love and attention....I am truly sorry that you did not get what you deserved from him while you were a child but perhaps through your children you can give them more of what you missed out on as a kid.
It does seem that if his family knows he will find out eventually and if you are not telling him out of spite and hope he finds out and is hurt that you didn't tell him then you can only know that you learned the lessons he taught you well as a kid....ignore him and hurt him like he did you.
It sounds like you are the bigger person and are going to be a great parent because of or perhaps in spite of the experiences you had growing up.

2007-03-21 09:32:00 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

I ask you to reconsider whether or not to have a relationship with him.

If he's grown up now and wants a relationship, I think you should give him a chance.

A lot of guys are clueless when young, some gain some sense later.

You say he only gets in touch every 6 months, but may that not be because you've told him you don't want anything to do with him?

If so, then he doesn't want to impose, but is hoping you'll change your mind.

You say you don't hate him, but do you have any reason for not wanting to get to know him?

I mean, if you know him to be a bad person, then, that's one thing.

But if it's just because he was clueless during your childhood, I ask you to reconsider.

As for your question, well, since you want to hurt him, not telling him will accomplish that.

Of course, at some point he'll know, right?

I mean, you can't expect his family to pretend your child doesn't exist.

I think it would be a shame to deprive your child of his or her grandfather.

I also suspect that if you gave your father a break, you'd later be happy you did, and that one day you'll regret not having gotten to know him, and keeping him out of your child's life.

You say you don't hate him, but you do seem to be into punishing him.

Maybe you've punished him (and yourself) enough.

2007-03-21 15:58:16 · answer #3 · answered by tehabwa 7 · 0 0

My take on this..............he is going to find out from people on his side anyway, so if you want to "play" with each others feelings always then let him find out from someone else not you, but if you want to be the mature one then you call him and tell him, telling him you self doesn't make you obligated to see him or allow him to be a grandfather to your child, but I will tell you this, things change when you have a child, so don't burn bridges now that you may want to walk over later.

Do things for yourself and your child and listen to your heart, he abandon you, then came back into your life, i know its hard, I have been there in a way, my father wasn't a great dad when i was a child, and after having my first child he really wanted to be a part of my life, I was confused by this but quickly realized that children need ALL the love they can get from people willing to really love them and be there for them, maybe your father is finally seeing the error of his ways. I so wish you the best of everything.

2007-03-21 08:42:12 · answer #4 · answered by Premo Mom 5 · 0 0

Well, you have said you have no desire to get to know him really and your child won't have a relationship with him (or that's your plan), so why tell him?

If he wanted to be part of your life, he would have made the effort long ago...Why wait till you're 22, a grown woman, to decide he now wants a daughter in his life? I don't think you own him anything. If his family tells him, that's fine... If you want to tell him, go for it but your mother is right, it's up to you.
If he was part of your life I'd say yes, tell him, but he's not....

2007-03-21 08:36:15 · answer #5 · answered by jessicadiamond_4einc 4 · 1 0

I would tell him. Yes, there were problems with your relationship with him, but let him know that you are pregnant. He is still your Father....Then it will be up to him if he wants to nurture the relationship and try to be a grandfather. You don't know, this baby could open up a new chapter in your life and your relationship with your Father. Allow him that, if he doesn't measure up, you can always say you tried and he blew it. But everyone deserves a second chance. Give him that.

2007-03-21 12:18:36 · answer #6 · answered by cardgirl2 6 · 0 0

AT THE END OF THE DAY IT IS UP TO YOU BUT EVERYONE ELSE NOS SO I CARNT SEE A PROBLEM YOU /HUBBY &BABY IS ALL THAT COUNTS NOT WHAT HAPPEND IN PAST

2007-03-21 08:44:23 · answer #7 · answered by smokeyjo 2 · 0 0

i wouldn't go out of my way to tell him.

maybe if he telephones you, you could decide whether or not to tell him then?

if he doesn't call, why bother?

congratulations on the baby! stay well!

2007-03-21 08:39:01 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1 0

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