What's your favorite joke?

Question

Or funny quote or saying...

I like, "I was lying in bed one night, staring at the stars in the sky, when I thought to myself, 'Where the heck is my ceiling?!'"

I read that on the interenet =]

So what's your's?

Answer 1

What's 12" long and white? Nothing.

Answer 2

"It is not possible to travel faster than the speed of light, nor is it desirable; one's hat would keep flying off" - Woody Allen

A man was walking with his friend one day. Suddenly, his friend stops breathing and collapses on the floor. The man rings an ambulance.
Man: "Help! Help! My friend's dead!"
Operator: "O.K., stay calm. First, let's make sure he really is dead."
There is a silence, followed by the sound of a gun being fired.
Man: "O.K., he's dead, what now?"

Answer 3

Please modify your question as to whether you want clean or dirty.

I am partial to "shaggy dog" jokes---a genre beloved by canine enthusiasts.

Clean---A three-legged dog straps on his six-shooters, jumps up on his big black horse and rides into town. When the women see him coming, they gather their children into their houses, lock the doors and shut the shutters.

The three-legged dog rides up to the saloon and dismounts, ties up his horse, and walks in through the swinging doors. the men at the bar look up from their drinks and head for the tables.

the three-legged dog growls, "Bartender, bring me a whiskey." the bartender pours the shot with a trembling hand, and the three-legged dog snarls, "Leave the bottle."

Then the sheriff walks in. He squares his shoulders and says to the three-legged dog, "Now listen here, three-legged dog. I don't want no trouble outta you in town today."

the three-legged dog finishes his drink, and stands up and turns around slowly. "I'm not lookin for trouble, Sheriff. I'm just lookin fer the man who shot my paw."

this one requires practice and timing, but it is the best clean joke I know. I make little noises for when the dog and sheriff go in through the swinging doors, something like, "ballomm, ballomm, ballomm"

Dirty? Well, the best way to tell a dirty joke is with clean words.

two boys are walking down a street, and they see a dog on a porch who is vigorously licking himself. One boy says to the other, "Gee, I wish I could do that."

the other boy looks at him and says, "Yeah, well, maybe you oughta try petting him first."

Then there's the great, quick three-liner.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Call him anything you want, he ain't gonna come...

Whare do you find a dog with no legs?
wherever you left him...

what's the best name for a dog with no legs?
(and someone in the audience WILL figure this out---take your time, let'em,let 'em and then laugh with 'em, give 'em a high five or the fist-touch. But NEVER, NEVER tell the punch line to this one---ask the question 2-3 times if you hafta. SOMEONE WILL FIGURE THIS ONE OUT!)

Frank.

Good luck---and remember, the key to telling a joke is PRACTICE and TIMING. Practice in front of a mirror and you won't crack your self up---very important. Only Leno can get away with cracking himself up---all the best, Brian

Answer 4

i have a few:
-Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
-The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think
-There are no stupid questions, just stupid people
-When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
-Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
-If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Answer 5

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke a little ref
Jack got high
unzipped his fly
And Jill said,"Where's the beef?

Answer 6

this is this cat
this is is cat
this is how cat
this is to cat
this is keep cat
this is a cat
this is loser cat
this is busy cat
this is for cat
this is forty cat
this is seconds cat
go back to the top and read the 3rd word of each line.

Answer 7

what do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet - sorted!!

Answer 8

STAY OUT THA FLOWER GARDEN

Answer 9

I don't really have one.

Answer 10

i just had one.