What to do about a Preschool Bully?

Question

My son goes to preschool several mornings each week. There is another little boy in the class who has pushed or hit my son several times. Once he threw a rock and it hit my son on the spine of his back and left a bruise. My son isn't the only one that he plays rough with. The teacher mentioned an incident to me one day and said that she had talked with the boy (he had a time out). She encouraged my son to use his "loud voice" after his "polite voice" didn't work. Later, my husband worked with my son on practicing using his loud voice to say "No!, I don't like that!" so that others wouldn't bully him in the future. My husband also encouraged my son to hit back to defend himself if another kid tried to push him or hit him. They are only 4 years old. Is this the right thing to do?

The other boy is the youngest and has several older brothers. My son is now having trouble forgiving this boy, and doesn't want to play with him any more. Understandable?

Answer 1

You know, in the moral perspective of what is right when it comes to telling your three year old how to react in this situation - then no. Hitting him back is not the right thing to do. But he is YOUR child and no one elses. It is kind of sickening that people want to raise their children with these values. Do not hit back - it isn't nice is what I hear several "so called perfect" mothers tell their children. I myself have a five year old and I tell him "if someone is constantly hitting you - you need to hit back" Because in this day and age a child's social standard is very important growing up. you don't want your child to feel like a "nerd" or a "dork" at school growing up. It could cause them to have social issues. I guess it just depends on the type of mother you want to be. If you want to be "great" in the other eyes of silver spoon soccer moms, then tell your child not to hit. If you want your child to grow up knowing that other kids won't be walking all over him the rest of his life, tell him to defend himself after giving the other child a warning. Then tell your child not to hit just because. only do it if a warning has been given first. I myself do that. So I believe you and your husband are both right.

Answer 2

I had the same problem with my son at nursery a boy a year younger than him was bulling him I tried everything but the nursery were reluctant to take any solid course of action, the boy was hitting all of the children I had to speak to the mum of the bully directly still didn't get very far in the end there was nothing I could do to stop this and changed my son's hours i got to the point where my son was getting so distressed , but hitting is not the answer your son is to young to understand when hitting is appropriate (as a last resort ) and will hit any one that is mean to him in anyway. you can email me if you want any support .

Answer 3

It is understandable that your son does not want to play with the boy anymore. My son who is four...has been a bully and still is for his reasons. He has bipolar disorder and has always been very agressive. He got kicked out of head start due to his agressive behavior being a safety risk to the other children. Children act out for certain ways. The child may have sensory issues that make it difficult for him when things are over stimulating...he may not like people in his space...he may not know how to use his words...there are many reasons why he could be acting out. My son used to do it partly to see what reaction he would get from others. My husband is always saying to my other children that if they get hit then hit back. That has led to a lot of calls to the school for my oldest son getting suspended. The schools do not care who hit first...both children get punished equally. Think about your son's future. That is a tough one, because I don't want my children....especially my boys....to be wimps either. I would say encourage him as much as you can to use his words.

Answer 4

There's no law saying kids all have to like each other. While I wouldn't encourage retaliation, teaching your son to stand up for himself is NEVER a bad thing. A simple "I DON'T LIKE YOU!" or "I DON'T WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU!" does just as well.

I have this issue with my son, as well. He doesn't understand that play shouldn't hurt, and he has some friends who yell at him and bully him. I'm trying to teach him how to stand up for himself, but he just wants them to like him.

Other than that, if the other boy's behavior continues then the teacher needs to step up and have a talk with the boy's parents. You can only do so much from your end.

Answer 5

At the preschool where my child goes the preschool teachers have taught them to say don't touch my body or stop I don't like that, maybe the preschool needs to teach the children that hitting and touching each other in a hurtful way is not acceptable. They should be teaching all the kids not just the ones getting picked on. I'm teaching my child to use her words when she is angry instead of hitting and it is working.

Answer 6

You and your husband are doing the right thing. Try to follow the advice that you're giving to your son while you're dealing with his teacher. Use your polite voice, your loud voice and eventually let her know that if she doesn't resolve the problem then you'll be going to the principal. You are your son's advocate and that he needs you to stand up for him. He'll know to always come to his folks first when something doesn't feel right. Remember, don't let yourself be bullied by the teacher, make her accountable for what goes on in her classroom.

Answer 7

That happened to my son in Kindergarden. The teacher separated the little bully until he proved that he could interact with all the children again. She even put his desk right next to hers in the front of the class. My son, and none of the other kids, were picked on or stole from or hit anymore.

Answer 8

He is smart to not want to play with him. You shouldn't want him to play with him. You shouldn't teach to hit back, then he will get in trouble too. If the teachers cannot control him they should have a talk with his parents and warn them he will have to leave if his behavior does not improve. Privately owned preschools can do that. I think you did great with what you taught your son except the hitting part.

Answer 9

That's fine and dandy that they tell your son to speak up, but what are they doing? You drop your son off in their care every morning and they can't even keep an eye out and handle situations? They need to be the ones setting an example and using their "loud voice" with that child's parents and the principal.

Answer 10

Kids this age are not benefitted by preschool. A lot of people don't know this, since preschool is a product and parents are lied to, really. Drs. Brazelton and Greenspan wrote, "The Irreducible Needs of Children" and preschool is just contra-indicated for kids your sons age.

Take your son out of this terrible environment. There is no reason he should be having to cope with this. Get him home and let him grow in peace and strength - when he is older he can deal with bullies. At 4, you guys have thrown him into the lion's den. Really absurd.