Serious question...?

Question

Ok here it is try to stay with me.. Me and my wife have BOTH did hurtful things to each other and recently I have devoted my life to God I know im not perfect and never have claimed to been. Jesus has saved me from my sins. I have told her I was sorry for all the things I have done to her and I have begged for her forgiveness, I have already forgave her for yes mentally abusing me because what kind of person would I be if god has forgiving me and I cant forgive all the things she has done still hurts but I truly have forgave her in my heart. I still love her and want to wok things out but she has such anger inside, to the point that she says she doesn’t love me any more and wants a divorce, I know for some people forgiveness comes in time but she is not even willing to work on it. I never hit her but have done some bad things and said some bad things out of anger to but god is taking over my life and changing me with or without her, I have giving up drinking and started to go to

church and turn my life over fully to god because he is #1 in my life now.

also look at her question to

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ap0sYy9BLC2H8dgikzFrn_bsy6IX?qid=20070321092027AAIPkUW

thanks photo girl i never hit her and i was never a acholic and i never ask you to feel sorry for me!

Answer 1

It sounds like you're really trying to turn your life around, good for you. However, be prepared to divorce her. She doesn't sound like she'll ever forgive you and will make the rest of your life hell. You moved on, and her question makes it sound like she's stuck in the past. It's stupid to stay in a relationship once the love is gone. You tried, but if she won't meet you half way, move on.

Answer 2

Well not to sound harsh, but it seems like maybe you should just let go.
I was in an abusive marriage before and my ex said that it would get better because he had re-found god and he would be a better person and he would quit drinking and quit beating me and just be a nice person overall.
well guess what...he was a better person for about 2 seconds. then because of his new religion i was a bad person because of my lack of faith (which he had known about from day one) and of course he didn't quit drinking and he didn't quit throwing me around, but now is excuse was that he was ALLOWED to do this because i was his LEGAL property, and the bible say he could.
So you'll have to forgive me if I don't feel sorry for you on this.

I would suggest some AA and maybe some anger management classes, then talk to your wife again.

And if god is changing you with or without her...well then that pretty much answers your question in the first place doesn't it?

**well brian, I never said that you did hit her did I? I was talking about my own personal experience, and my ex was pretty much the same way as you are now...trying to excuse everything with forgivness and being surprised that the other person doesn't want to be with them.
And the reason that I brought up AA is because you yourself mentioned drinking....and ALL alcoholics deny that they are alcoholics.
The reason I mentioned anger management is because of what you said "I never hit her but have done some bad things and said some bad things out of anger" Well that to me sounds like anger issues.

And by the way your response to your wife isn't the best way to go about trying to get her back.

Answer 3

I will post the same answer I gave your wife and seriously - not sure what you did but it sounds like you are trying to use your new found religion to manipulate her.

No simply because God has forgiven the abuser does not mean that the victim has to forgive or ‘get over it’. The victim has a right to heal, mend, and release the pain that the abuser caused the victim. It does not sound like the abuser fully understands the ramifications of his crimes or has compassion to understand what he did was wrong and really ask the victim for true forgiveness. We are not always able to forgive as God does, or in the time frame someone else wants us to forgive in. Forgiveness is something that is gained through true understanding and apologies given to the person who was hurt and time given to allow that hurt person to heal.

The simple fact that the abuser wants the victim to just get over it shows that the abuser has not truly learned that what he did was wrong, hurtful and painful.

Just because the abuser found God like so many prisoners do, when all else fails, they call on God, but it gives him no right to push it on the victim and create even more guilt, shame and abuse on that victim all over again. The abuser and victim both need therapy and counseling to move through this. God is great but sometimes more is needed than just prayer.

You can pray to God to help you understand and heal the pain you feel, but that is for YOU ALONE and not for the benefit of the abuser. The abuser already has forgiveness and needs to 'get over' needing yours and leave you alone.

Answer 4

Brian,

I wish I could recommend a book that you both read. It is a biography about the life of Mike MacIntosh. His situation was so much like yours and it called "For the Love of Mike".

If I were there in person, I would first establish that both you and wife are truly saved and not playing the "religion" game or "I go to church--thereby I be Christian" excuse. There needs to be a living, breathing, Jesus in your heart relationship going on.
http://www.schneblin.com/studies/pdfs/ge...

Next, I would suggest some time apart so that wounds can be given time to heal and that the Lord can speak to you individually. I would highly suggest you NOT trying to convince her of your change, or to stay together. God needs to do the convincing. You are NOT the Holy Spirit. Rather, pray and ask the Lord to speak to her. In the mean time, you need to meditate on the Word and draw close to Jesus. Work with the Lord on continuing to clean up your life. Get some counseling from some Godly guys. Continue to earnestly pray for your wife--that God will heal the wounds you have afflicted. The wounds are probably very deep--and you are NO spiritual doctor. So hands off and let the Great Physician do His perfect work.

Feel free to contact me if you need guidance.

Schneb

Answer 5

You say that you have forgiven her in your heart even though it still hurts.

Then can’t you understand that she is still hurting too? A person can’t simply turn off all the pain they’ve suffered. This takes a lot of time and patience. She can’t forgive you just because you tell her to.

The hardest people to forgive are family and loved ones who have let us down. When you put your trust in somebody, pledge to spend your life with this person, and then he hurts you physically or emotionally, it is extremely hard to forgive and regain trust. It doesn’t happen overnight.

I think you need to try to show a little more empathy and understanding.

If she truly matters to you, stop preaching to her and show some patience and understanding. Reestablishing trust may take years. This will require a huge commitment from both of you, along with a lot of prayer.

My suggestion to both of you is to ask God to show you the other person as He sees them, not as they seem to you. This may help you both to gain some understanding.

Answer 6

Perhaps if you made your wife the #1 person in your life, rather than a non-existent entity, you wouldnt be having these issues...

See, thing is, your wife isnt God - its nice that you beleive God has forgiven you - but it wasnt God that you "sinned " against - it was your wife. Heck - I could forgive you for being a male chauvinist as well - does that make your wife feel better about anything?? And, judging from your wife's question, it sounds as if you are now acting "holier-than-thou" towards her. I dont blame her in the least for still harboring anger inside. Youre being the same, abusive person, just a different form of abuse - now its mental abuse, guilt tripping the poor woman.

See, first it was YOU who was #1 in your life. Now, its God who is #1. WHat about your wife? When is SHE going to be #1 in your life?????

Answer 7

She say you were physically abusive. Either she's lying and not really saved or you are. You can not fix some thing if you can not agree on how far and how it is broken. You have to forgive and forget. You have not finished the job with your claim of mental abuse. Seek one on one help. Or at least without asking others to choice sides. You have sides the task at hand is to find a common ground if it still exist.

Answer 8

Right now you are reaping the seeds that you sowed in the past. You were bad to her in the past (as you admitted), and those seeds have started to grow and produce rotten fruit. Now, even if you are good to her (which by the sounds of some of the answers you are acting condescending to her, but I don't know if that is the case) those are only seeds that have been planted and will need time to grow. Even so, once they do grow, the other rotten fruit will still be there. It can balance out, and eventually tip in your favor, but that may take a while. Just be patient, don't try to change her right now...just try to be a good husband to her. Don't let her push you around, but genuinely care for her.

Answer 9

You both seem to want to hear that you are right. It seems both of you have been vengeful. Being in the dark about the true details I will say this, you took vows to each other, before God, to God. That's what is first, BUT our feelings are not textbook predictable~ in fact quite the opposite. It seems to me, you need to prove to her you are serious about a reconciliation- a sincere effort will show her you are trying. To quote a movie "Sacrifice yourself on the altar of dignity", and sweep her off her feet. Women want to feel loved, it is obvious she doesn't feel this way, you need to remind her. But I will tell you this much, USING GOD to get her back will backfire, especially if you were the first one in the wrong.
God bless you both.

Answer 10

Part of forgiveness is letting go. Let go of what used to hurt and live as though it never happened. Soon you'll find that it really is forgiven. Show her everyday how much you love her. Ask for God's help and wisdom to be able to say the right things to her that won't be hurtful. Asking God to change you will make it possible for Him to really speak to Her.