How do I raise my step children without their father saying I hate them?

Question

How do I raise my step children without their father saying I hate them?

Answer 1

The only thing you can do is reinsure how much you do love them. Let them know that no matter what anyone says or does you will always be there for them and you will always love them. As long as they know that what their fathers says is going to go in one ear and out the other which in most cases is what happens with children any way. And if their father is your spouse then you need to leave your husband for making your life miserable. Cause if that is the case then he wants his children to not like you and maybe that is his way of trying to get out of the marriage.

Answer 2

First off you need to be a friend to the children. It is like a good cop bad cop relationship. You get to be the good cop. In step families the key to success is that you need to remember that you are not their father, so when it comes to discipline you let their mom and dad take care of the situation. And you get to be the supportive friend to the kids. As long as you step back and let the biological parents discipline while you show the kids that they have a supportive friend then you should have nothing to worry about. Also don't ever show resentment toward the children, Understand that they may not like the idea of a stepfather but it is not you they don't like they just want their parents together. It is only natural.

Answer 3

Well the first question you need to ask yourself, is why is my husband telling my step children that i hate them? If you are divorced then thats ok, but then the other question would be why are you raising his children?

The best advice i can give you is, tell your kids that you love them no matter what anybody says, and if they say you don't, then they need to let it go in one ear and out the other. Kids are persuaded easily, but to show your kids that you love them without showering them with gifts is one of those things thats probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Everytime you tell your kids to do their homework instead of playing video games, or to eat their veggies instead of ice cream, just smile after and say "its only because I love you" Eventually your kids will understand and meanwhile, you have to just tell them all the time that you love them, because the way you show your love is through discipline and molding them into something great in the future, your kids will see that as--she doesn't really love us, she just says it. Take them out on outings when they make good grades or when they do their chores the way they are supposed to make them their favorite dinner or dessert. Let them pick what to watch on tv. There are little things that you can do, while still raising great kids. Just remember that if you do have fights with your kids, that eventually when they are older they will see how much you love them and trully care for them.

*Don't talk about the dad around them if there are harsh feelings. They will not see that as a good role model, if they have complaints, take it to him, do not express your hatred toward him with kids. Be Strong and you will be great!
GOOD LUCK!

Answer 4

It takes time for blended familes to adjust. I would begin with sitting down with your husband and talk about each other's philosophy of raising children. Listen as much as you can to learn about his way of parenting, and listen deeply to how he loves his children. Find a way to understand and/or negotiate the differences. You might have to listen to him first to hear all he has to say, so be careful to defend yourself at this point because your first goal is to understand his views. Then, you both can work on agreement for parenting both of your children (step or not).

Remember to affirm for him that you love these children, too.

A good resource and a good method for raising children can be found in the Love and Logic parenting series. It is a very good approach and it is also a good way to identify both of your parenting styles. The book is called "Parenting with Love and Logic" and it is by Foster Cline.

Also, if it is practical, don't take your husband's word of "hate" get in the way of being the best mom you can be. He's using that word in an insecure way and I don't think he actually believes you hate them. So, work on affirmation and work on relationship. You both will have different styles and different gifts to bring into the parenting relationship. Use your unique gifts and remember to love and guide them with your actions and words. It will work out.

Answer 5

Their father is going to say whatever he is going to say regardless of what you do or don't do, so don't let that color how you would raise a child (ANY child, not just a step-one!). I have always found that if you encourage the child to talk about the mother, feelings about and for her, and that sort of thing it creates a bond and lets them know you are not there trying to replace her. When they behave differently toward you, their father should, as well.

Answer 6

You can not control what their father says or does. Raise them exactly like you would raise your own. Treat them exactly like you would treat your own. If your a good father you'll be a good step-father...and maybe not until their all grown up , but someday they will see things through adult eyes and know who you are and have always been to them. Short term you may have to deal with some real garbage, but remember, don't walk on egg shells or try to avoid making them angry, Treat them like you would your own, someday they will respect that. (Dad of 4 , Step-Dad of 3)

Answer 7

I assume that your trying to establish boundaries, rules and consequences for breaking those rules. If your husband feels you hate them, why? Is it a free for all in his house? If so, then he isn't going to change his parenting style for you.

Step-Parents and Parents need to be a team. If you two cannot come to a compromise on this or that, then you will come to resent him as a father and the children. Which is not what you want to be a part of.

Answer 8

Your step children will know you by your actions and your words. Give them the love and support that they need.

You cannot control their father but can control your own actions with them and with their mother.

Putting down the dad only helps him, not you. Just be the good example.

Answer 9

First of all, you need to confront him. If he isn't giving you support them he is the one with problems. If you feel you are doing your best, then don't change. If you give your stepchildren the same attention and devotion that you would give your own children, you are on the right track. It is always hard to come into a family like this. God bless you for taking the challenge.

Answer 10

if their father tells them that you hate them then I'm sorry but you shouldn't be with him. Unfortunally guys with kids are a whole package....they'll never be able to see you as a parent with an attitude like that from their father. I'm sorry your in this mess. Try talking to the father. If he can't change then nothing will get better.