How do you deal with your mother?

Question

I am 30 years old and still get scolded, lectured, etc. I would like to have an adult mother/daughter relationship with her but she won't let go of this need to talk to/at me as if I'm a child. She tells me what I need to do with my money, my career, etc. I'm a succesful professional and live in a nice home that I own. A few months ago she explained to me what a yeast infection was. When I let her know that I was already aware of them and had been for some time she patronizingly said "well i guess you're all grown up now". I fight the urge to scream at her because I don't want to act like an angry teenager (I'm sure she would love that.) We spend time together a few times a week, and each time we are together she complains that we never do anything together. I just don't know what to do anymore. (I know I'm not the only one with this problem; and there is probably no solution, but I wouldn't mind some words of advice).

Answer 1

You already know how your Mom is, just be happy that you still have her around. I lost mine way before I was 30, I would love to have her around to gripe at me.

Answer 2

Easy. Don't feel bad about it. Is your dad still around? Maybe your mother knows you have grown up.
But if she is alone in the world. then she is going to be your mother, till she passes on.
But as to your question. It doesn't matter how, old your are. Parents are parents. And they don't like the idea, of their children growing up, and leaving them behind.
But they know its best.
And they know, they have to get out on their own sooner or later.
You never said if you had any siblings or not. Your mother still sees you as a child.
All parents feel that way. Do you have any children?
If not, that could be another reason. Maybe she would like to see her grandchildren before she passes.
Or at least ,be able to leave something behind, for her children. How old is your mom.?
When she says, you never do anything with her any more. It could be she misses those times, and she knows she can't relive what has past.
Maybe she has forgotten, the things you used to do. And is afraid, you might not remember.
Please, don't be so hard on your mother. She means well. maybe you should spend more time with her. Take her places, and go shopping with her.
Let her in on your life, and what you are going to do. It would help. She may also feel you don't need her any more. Let her know you do, to a point. It would help her.
So don't get angry, at her. If she treats you as a little girl, maybe you should play along , with it. If it makes her happy, and will keep her off your back.
Just explain ,to her, that some things you can do by your self. Have her stay with you for a while. things like that.
Take her to movies or something. Maybe a hug would do your mother wonders. A hug is better then words. And it speaks for its self.
Let your mother know, you still love her. Hugs are the best way to show you care. hold her as long as you feel.
Or how long it takes, for her to know, how you feel. Maybe you yourself, have forgot, what its like to be loved.
Because, your grown now, and feel its not all that important, anymore.

Answer 3

Ouch that must make having an adult relationship with her very difficult. All mothers will ALWAYS want to give their kids advice and make sure they are getting the best out of life. You sound like you're doing very well for yourself though so it's not like she has anything serious to worry about. Maybe the problem is that you spend too much time with her and she's depending on you too much. Does she have many friends or hobbies? If she doesn't then that might be the problem. She needs other things to live for besides you. I have a great relationship with my mum, we talk on the phone every other day and I go home to see my parents every 3 weeks or so. We'd kill eachother if we saw eachother as often as you see your mum though. The fact that she doesn't know everything that's happening in my life is definitely one of the reasons we don't clash. I hope you sort it out and are able to form a friendship bond as well as a mother-daughter bond.

Answer 4

My stepmother does this to my sister! She tells her how should spend her money and what she should do all the time. My sister is going to be 30 and has 2 little boys of her. She is well old enough to know where her life stands. I have told her she needs to tell our step mom to back off and not to talk to loud. My sister is also single and manages very well on her own! Just tell your mom how you feel and explain to her your at her level now and not a child! If she doesn't want to understand this then maybe you should finally scream at her when she gets in her I am the mother mode! Good Luck!

Answer 5

The next time she mentions that you don't spend enough time together - tell her exactly how you feel. Try not to word it, "you do this and you do that" because that may put her on the defensive and then the emotions will fly.

Try telling her, "when you say "x", you make me feel like a scolded child. i'm an adult and would really like to have a relationship with you but constant critisism (notice how I left out "your") makes me feel disrespected.

Tell her exactly how you feel. I didn't speak to my mother for over 13 years for the same exact thing. Now, she speaks to me like an adult and has more respect.

Answer 6

I have a lot of issues with my mother due to her leaving my dad a few years ago. We fought and didn't speak for several years, but now we're trying to make things work. She has all of the habits you mention plus the constant desire to make herself out to have been the victim rather than the villain.

Rather than fight, every time she brings up a touchy or annoying subject, I take a deep breath, mutter a non-committal answer and then distract her with something else she likes to talk about. As in "Yeah, maybe. Oh, I just remembered, I heard Pier 1 is having a big sale, have you gone yet?"

Maybe it's not the best way to deal with issues, but we tried that, and it didn't work out. At least this way I can enjoy my time with her.

Answer 7

Very carefully. LOL Really!
I get the same stuff and she and I don't see eye to eye on alot of things. I try to communicate with her on a level of common ground. Anything that we agree on. The rest, I try not to even bring up. If asked, I simply say, just fine. Even if my life in that category isn't just fine. She's not the one I talk to about personal issues normally. I talk with my Dad about alot of things. He's more open minded and understanding.

This has taken me a very long time to accomplish. I am 36 years old. I have had screaming matches with her up till probably about 2 years ago.

Answer 8

I have felt lots of what you are feeling and it took me along time to come to terms with my feelings for my mother and how to engage at a level that was productive for both of us. I guess it is a matter of changing yourself first and hopefully that will faciliate a change in her, I used to keep wondering why my mom wouldn't provide me with the things I needed, then I realized that she can't, she is the person she is and I can only get what she can give and the rest I have to let go. These are tough relationships to navigate, I spent a lot of time in therapy and it helped. Good luck, you will be fine!

Answer 9

This problem does not go away unless you make it. My mother is exactly the same to me and my siblings. My mother-in-law is the same to my wife.

Frankly, I just gave up one day and told her that her attitude towards me was demeaning, insulting and not good for me. I told her that we had to change the way we interact or I would stop interacting. If she did not treat me with the respect that I demanded, I was not going to talk to her anymore.

Since then, things have gotten better but I will also not spend more than 24 hrs at a time with her. That way she is always concious of how she is behaving.

Best way to deal with mom - LONG DISTANCE!
Good Luckl

Answer 10

I can relate. Parents like to be active and participate in their child's life. I have heard similar things. To be truthful, to be healthier, I limit my time and exposure with my parents for my sanity. You cannot change them overnight.

I have had some breakthrough conversations but they are far and few between. My mom was ill and it made us closer. But at the same time, I cannot tell my mom everything or else I will be nagged to death.

To keep a happy medium, I do not tell her everything, she still nags on stuff she knows about and I have learned to lend a "deaf ear" when convenient and limit my calls to my folks.

It has helped me alot. Also supportive friends to talk to when I was venting (when I needed to in frustration) to always helped me.

Answer 11

Tell her you're 30 years old, cut the apron strings already. And if you're getting together a few times a week, tell her 'hello what are we doing now?' hanging out together. I know the feeling at times.