How can I stop hating my step daughter?

Question

I have lived with this child for over 5 years and she has caused more trouble in my family than I have ever seen a child do. She has gotten into drugs and alcohol, she is verbally abusive to my two small children, and I want her out of my house. Her father doesn't do a thing about it, when I am suffering and my kids are too. She has gone to counseling and is in counseling but I know she just sits there and says nothing. I just want to ship her off back to her mother.

Answer 1

Monkey_kins makes some very good points.

I don't know how old your step daughter is or how long this behavior has been going on but my guess would also be that her home situation is what's causing her bad behavior, not the other way around --especially since you say your husband isn't doing anything to correct her at this point, I feel safe in assuming he wasn't giving her much attention even before she started acting out. You should also keep in mind that she's not doing drugs and alcohol to upset you, she is doing it because she is in pain. Your approach may be "why are you doing this to the family?" but her perspective could be "why is my family doing this to me?". She may feel like she doesn't have a place in your family and if you've been making her feel like excess baggage that you've had to put up with and her dad has just stepped aside and permitted that then of course it's going to cause negative behavior.
Of course your perspective is that you and YOUR kids are suffering but have you ever considered what your step daughter is going through? If her father isn't proactive who put her in counseling? If her dad has just sat back and let you take control of everything -including his daughter- no wonder she's resentful. He's showing ALL of you he doesn't care what happens in your house, why aren't you in counseling as a family?
Sounds like you definitely need to look for a new counselor!

Unfortunately I have known too many children who have been expected to just accept when their parents put them on the back burner for a new boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse and it's disappointing to see that the parent chooses to pursue a life with the new love when there is clearly conflict between the other person and their own child. Unfortunately, I've also known a lot of women who marry men with children and are RESENTFUL of the kids. I'll never understand why anyone would make a commitment to someone when they don't want to accept the biggest and most precious part of that person.

Answer 2

I pretty much HATE when step mothers take this approach. Divorce and remarry? New kids? C'mon, why WOULDN'T she be rebellious? Especially at this age... She needs more than a counselor, your whole family does becuase these things all work together. The thing is, is it's not HER, and that's what makes it so hard for families to see. Her coping is a reaction to many things and it's a group job, not a job to send her off to a counselor. She probably feels bitter enought that you would even shluff her off on one making her feel like she is wrong and instill more self worthlessness and anger. The Dad has to work along as well and the fact that he doesn't do anything about it throws her deeper into her behavioral patterns of being bad really well to keep the attention on her becuase she feels she doesn't get the same quality anymore. She gets angry becuase of this and at some point has thought there to be a flaw in herself becuase of this, but she's still young and under the care of parents, making her unable to protect herself from the day she was born making it the parents job to do so and then teach her the same skills of self care and appreciation. She has natural boundaries now that may not be healthy. Too many people pinpoint the kid and say "fix it" and in reality there are many things throughout the family that need to be "fixed"... and some hear or read something like this and say "oh no, not my family, we're fine"... clue is: you're kid's not so neither are you. Group effort, ability to listen, intimate sharing (being able to feel safe when sharing all feelings and have them respected) and recognizing flaws on EVERYONES part.

Answer 3

i would talk to her father again he cant just not be involved,as for hating her that's harsh hate whats going on but don't hate the child she is acting out and trust me they all do at some point been raising kids a long time and its never easy but her parents mom and dad need to be involved in the discussion of action to take,as for knowing what goes on in her counseling sessions how do you know its private and its a process not a instant result.if you have been there 5 years then think back to what happened when all this first started that might give you a clue to why shes in so much trouble now.good luck

Answer 4

Just act like you do not care as much about things the child is doing,1let her the way she is,spending money on this person is what she wants,stop the visits to a srink,will not work gos against you so she will do any how.let her think she is getting away with thngs she is doing,act like u r not so concernd with her she will get frightend and do a hole 360 i will 4 sure u of thus.As for her father to much like her mother did not work wth wife will not work wth his child,so he lets go by without hurting your feelings by telling u wht i just said.things will get better.

Answer 5

That is very difficult. The need to put your children 1st must be overwhelming, but when you married her father, you made a commitment to her as well. I think you should talk to your husband again, and let him know if he doesn't respect you enough to make a rational and logical move to a better future for your family, you can't respect him enough not to go to his ex to discuss this. See what she thinks, can she take her daughter back to protect your younger children? You have to remeber to forgive, but protecting your family is also as important. I hope you find a solution sooner than later.

Answer 6

Listen to the song 'Mother of mine' sung by Neil Reid. And tell her to listen as she will also become a mother one day.

"Mother of mine, you gave to me / All of my life, to do as I please / I owe everything, I have to you / Mother, sweet mother of mine.
Mother of mine, when I was young/ You showed me the way, things have to be done / Without your love, where would I be / Mother, sweet mother of mine.
Mother, you gave me happiness / Much more than words can say / I pray the Lord that He may bless you / Every night and every day.
Mother of mine, now I have grown / And can walk straight, all of my own / I'd like to give you what you gave to me / Mother, sweet mother of mine."

She might have received bad treatment earlier also and that may be the cause of her ill-behaviour. Now if you want to take care of her, it is really very good. Hence you can do the best by becoming a friend to her. Go out with her, buy her some gift she likes. Please note that she is suffering from sordidness.
Best of luck to be successful in your tryth. You are a good mother, believe it.

Answer 7

shes into drugs and alcohol... and u have small kids .... ILL talk to her father and put her into a drug rehab..... u deff dont want ur small kids look up to her and do the same thing.... u have to be a good role model and say if u do that in my home you have to pay a price and get help... then see how she is after she gets out.. if she changed good for her.. if she hasnt, ill ask her to live with her mother... good luck

Answer 8

thats so sad... if you 'hate' your step child, then she feels it. and thats one reason why she is the way she is... full of hate.

as for the father not doing anything, of course not, its always shoved off on the new wife/gf. of course it effects the other children; anyone like that effects the whole house and it just keeps building... and growing.

maybe she needs her mother.. and maybe thats why she's obviously rebelling. it couldnt make her worse, could it? it would help your kids wouldnt it?

send her.

.

Answer 9

okk. well maybe you should take some time off and go to the movies or shopping with her one day. Just take some time out and try to spend some quality time with her. What could it hurt? Then try to talk to her about her behavior.. good luck.:-)

Answer 10

please dont hate your daughter. you can hate the things she does but please please dont hate her. im also considered a "problem child"... even though i dont drink or do drugs i still cause alot of hell in my house. so i know what your daughter is going through. sometimes i feel as if my parents hate me because of someof the stuff that they say to me. and that is why i act the way i do. you may consider medications to control her behavior. thats what my parents did for me. right now im on Lexapro and Abilify. both work wonders for me when i take it right. well i hope everything works out ok. if you have any more questions feel free to e-mail me at [e-mail]
good luck