Does anyone have any good jokes?

Question

Why dont we try and have a laugh see whos is the best one.
Sorry i dont know any good ones

Answer 1

its a bit long but here goes...

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Answer 2

not a joke but one of the funniest things ive read




Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.


Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our Surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,




Charles Brown
Store Manager

Answer 3

An elderly couple out for an evening stroll in the old neighborhood end up sitting in a pub, which was their old hangout in days gone by..

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern and I made love to you against the back fence."

“Yes, she says, "I remember it well"

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"

Meanwhile..there's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.

He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers trying to go at it.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about forty minutes.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing I've got to ask them what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Answer 4

There is this cowboy who is a christian. And at church he asks the preacher to come over for lunch after church. So he goes and they eat lunch. When the go outside to ride his horse the cowboy says "well this is my horse, to make it go you say, Thank the Lord." " And to make it stop you say hallelujah." So the preacher is like okay but why don't you go first. So the cowboy starts to ride and he wants to stop but he can't remember the stop word. So he thinks and thinks, the he knows it. HALLELUJAH!!! And the horse halts. The cowboy had stoped right at the edge of a cliff. The cowboy is relived that he did not go over the edge, so he wipes the sweat off his head and says Thank the Lord!!!



Tip: remember the stop and go words.

Answer 5

Suzy
do you know that humpy who made agreement with his wife in order to buy a new bedroom.that each time they made love so he put in a box one pound
in a year time they opened the box .there he saw pieces of 5 pounds and tens
so he strangely asked her
where these are from have i ever paid you that?
she simply answered no
its only you have a special price

Answer 6

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Answer 7

watt : knock knock
wright : who there
watt : watt
wright : i said who is there
watt : i said watt
wright : what's your name
watt : yes, watt's my name.
wright : that i am asking you what's your name
watt : you are right
wright : how do you know my name ??
watt : i dont know your name
wright : but you just said my name wright
watt : no i didnt say your name.
wright : yes you did.
watt : no.
wright : by the way, what's your name
watt : yes.
wright : what ???
watt : yes.
wright : i am becoming mad
watt : right, so what's your name ???
wright : but you know my name.
watt : no i dont
wright : what are you saying
watt : yes i am saying
wright : what ????
watt : yes !!!!
wright : oh, c'mon, are you mad ???
watt : i dont know, well i am watt.
wright : thats what i am asking you.
watt : right, you know my name and i dont know yours.
wright : but you know my name and i dont know yours.
watt : anyways, open the door.
wright : first tell me what's your name???
watt : right, i am going mad. you know my name is watt.
wright : but i dont know your name. spell it.
watt : W A T T. spell yours.
wright : W R I G H T.
watt : ha ha ha... ha ha ha ha ha.. huh. ahhhhhhhhaaaaa...
wright : ha ha ha ha ah... aaaaa. hhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaa...

it didnt have a good ending but atleast its the best i ever heard.

Answer 8

Q: what do you call a smart blonde?


A: A golden retriever..

Q: what do you see when the pillsbury doughboy bends over?


A: doughnuts


Q: what do lawyers use for birthcontrol?


A: their personalities.....

ok...all for now....hee hee

Answer 9

Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because he thought it was a piece of cake!
LOL!

Answer 10

Q: How do you get Pikatchu on a bus?

A: Pokemon.