Day light changes from night to day
But somehow forever our love will stay
We went through alot of things
Gifts always were just watches or rings
But now it's all ended and we are no more
And my heart really doesnt want to be sore
So here is a poem saying how much im still in love
And I wish my soul could finally be as free as a dove
I miss your smile I miss your charm
I miss my fast beating heart when you would gentley touch my arm
I know we agreed to move along
but my in my head is still the beat of "our song"
I just hope now and pray
that I can get over you in some quick way
Our love forever will it be
even when my heart is lent out to other company
So remember our laughs,our talks,and our cries
and i wont ever forget the love i saw in your eyes.
2007-03-20 17:29:05 · 21 answers · asked by Kaitlyn P 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Its a really sweet poem, i hope it works. And to that other MORON who said it was boring and all about you. I bet no-one has ever written a poem about you because you were soooo BORING!
2007-03-20 17:36:23 · answer #1 · answered by hope 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've never really been fond of rhyming poetry, so I may not be the best to ask. I do like it though. I do notice a few grammar mistakes you may want to change. For instnace alot isn't a word. It's either allot or a lot. In your case you want the latter.
If you're wanting criticism I'd suggest more description, but that may not be what you want to do with this work. It depends fully on what you want it to do, say, affect and sound to someone. I like it.
2007-03-21 00:35:28 · answer #2 · answered by Robin C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
honest opinion
a very mediocre, amateur poem
first of all there are many errors such as misspelled words (gently, a lot) and repetitions (but my in my head) which distract from the poem
your poem is written in couplets in an AABB rhyme scheme, but you chose not to have a distinct rhythm (e.g. iambic pentameter). this results in a very awkward sounding poem. i'm going to give you an exaggerated example of what you did with this poem:
Hey, want to go lay by the bay?
Nah, I think i would rather go play in the arcade with my uncle whose name is Jay.
sorry if this sounded all too harsh for you, I'm sure there are some things in the poem that only you and your lover could understand. best of luck!
2007-03-21 00:38:51 · answer #3 · answered by 킹세븐 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It a very nice poem from the heart...
I've written one a month ago too...
You are trying to accept, but it's hard...
Your poem is saying that you will never forget those times and no, you will never forget, neither would they.
If you really love someone, set them free, it's the greatest gift you can ever give. You've given your heart, which was the precious gift...
It's good to see you growing. :)
2007-03-21 00:36:59 · answer #4 · answered by calv83luc 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good choice of words, poor choice of meter (not that meter matters).
In terms of what you are saying, it sounds like you still feel for this person. Have you considered getting back together with him? Have you talked and communicated with him how you really feel? If you haven't, I'd do that. Who knows, it might work out again, then you can pay your friendly paper shredder a visit :)
2007-03-21 00:36:31 · answer #5 · answered by Joshua R 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it rhymes. Congrats. It shows thought. Congrats. It doesn't scan, hoewever, and needs poetic language to be considered fine work. It is however, a start.
suggestions:
When night changed to day
love would not stay
we are no more
my heart is sore
I miss your smile, your charm,
when you gentley touched my arm
we'ved moved along
no more to "our song"
no laughs,talks,and cries
no love in your eyes
2007-03-21 00:42:26 · answer #6 · answered by Legandivori 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its a great poem the only question i have is "but my in my head is still the beat of "our song"? other then that question I really like your poem and don't stop writing maybe try and send some to a publisher
2007-03-21 00:35:37 · answer #7 · answered by help 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
some of the lines are really cheesy but some are really good also. keep re writing, replacing some words with other ones til it sounds just right. i think you could do better. sorry, my honest opinion. but its not half bad. so keep tryin hun. hope this helps.
2007-03-21 01:31:43 · answer #8 · answered by war 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all you should change "day' light to sun light. And the bit about watches and rings, change it to were always such marvelous blings, it sounds cooler
2007-03-21 00:34:41 · answer #9 · answered by Modus Operandi 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If it makes you feel better ... it is beautiful. But don't waste such heartfelt words on someone unworthy ... Have respect for yourself, mourn, and move on ... There's a whole new world out there. ...
2007-03-21 00:32:54 · answer #10 · answered by daffodil 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋