im a grandparent,cant seem to approachNEW parents, with concerns?

Question

EXtremely sensitive 23yr daughter in -law, ) infants require nurturing , not prop the bottle yadda, yadda, yadda, took classes on early childhood development,yadda,yadda,yadda, worked with children k-10th, ran a day care bussiness, worked as dc dir yadda, etc. retired from life long ambition to make a difference in a childs life.

Answer 1

You could start a sentence by saying "I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but if it were me....."

Answer 2

YOU ARE NOT THE PARENT OF THIS CHILD.

Read that again, about twenty times.

If the parents of this child solicit advice from you, give it willingly, and respect them if they choose not to take it. If the parents of this child are physically abusing the child or otherwise endangering his/her health, step in. Otherwise, butt out. You had your chance to raise your children, let them raise theirs.

Also: you chose to "retire from life long ambition to make a difference in a childs life", but that was a decision you made, and making that decision didn't give you any rights to this child whatsoever. Any advice you give, time you spend, assistance you give, etc., will be on the child's parents terms to accept as much as your terms to offer.

I say this not as a warning, but as pleading: do not spoil your relationship with your daughter-in-law by trying to force yourself into that child's life -- otherwise you risk her deciding you can't have any part in their life at all. Accept the fact that you can't control this, and do what you're willing to do when they're willing to let you do it.

Besides, you're the grandmother: that child is going to ADORE you no matter what, and so long as you don't give the parents reason to keep the child away from you, you'll have plenty of time to nurture that child and impact their life in a positive way.

Answer 3

I think the best way to ensure good treatment for the grandchild is to be supportive of the parent. Show real concern for your daughter in law, no doubt she's tired and overwhelmed at times. You must remember what it was like to be a new mom. Be empathetic and loving. Read Charlotte Perkins Gilman's short story "Making a Change" (it's in a collection of short stories by the author under the title THE YELLOW WALLPAPER AND OTHER WRITINGS).

The best way to support a child, and ensure they get the best possible treatment, is to show compassion and support to their parent. Try to love and accept your DIL. It may be hard, but you'll be the better person for it. And once you've shown her compassion, love and acceptance, she may start asking you for advice. :-)

By the way, I agree with you about propped bottles and all that (I'm a psychologist), but I'm a realist. The kid will be raised by her, and all her parenting habits, regardless. The best way to influence her is with honey.

Answer 4

Unless she's endangering the child then stay out of it. My MIL decided I wasn't nurturing my daughter because I don't hold her 24/7 and wouldn't allow anyone to give her pacifiers or talk baby talk to her. It has caused a HUGE rift between me and her and now between her and her son. Remember it is HER child and NOT yours. You've had your kids and raised them and now it's time for them to raise theirs.

Answer 5

my mother in law once told me that I didn't have to do everything she asked me to, but as long as I would show her the respect of listening to her everything would be fine. I did this and took a lot of what she said to heart and did do it. Maybe try this approach instead of her perhaps feeling like your insisting she do it your way.