My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now and we have 2 children together. My boyfriend also has a child of his own, he is three and his mother died when he was born. I am having trouble excepting him and I don't understand why.. I need someones advice on learning how to except him.. I feel bad admitting this, but its the truth. Please help me!!!
Lisa Anne!
2007-03-20 13:45:45 · 6 answers · asked by Lisa B 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Lisa... First of all, you must acknowledge that the tremendous bond of love that you feel for your own children can never be duplicated with a child not of your own loins. Don't try to relate or compare the feelings. They will never be the same so don't berate yourself for the difference.
That said, you must also understand that your b/f feels this identical bond with his son from his previous relationship as he does with your 2 children as well. After all, all 3 children are his blood.
Now to your problem... As I indicated above, do not berate yourself for not having the same feelings for your "step-child" as you have for your own. There is no comparison.
But, this is the challenge... You must, somehow, separate the feeling of jealousy that the relationship between your b/f and his son causes you. In your mind, subconscious or not, your "step-child" is encroaching on that "family-turf" that you have created in your mind. If you and your b/f are going to have a permanent relationship, you must acknowledge that he comes with the baggage of a child. Accept the child and love him as you do your b/f (true "motherly love" cannot be expected) and fight like hell to overcome all of the obstacles that will happen to y'all.
Lisa... I raised two step-sons and I'm proud to say that they call me "Dad".
2007-03-20 14:27:12 · answer #1 · answered by shaboom2k 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well consider this. This child had no choice who his mother was. His mother did nothing to hurt you. His mother is passed on and you're the closest thing to mommy that he knows. This little boy prolly loves you as if you gave birth to him. He's a package deal and comes with the boyfriend of 2 years. The only difference is YOU didn't give birth to him. This child was innocent and brought in this world out of love. Would you want someone treating your children differently because you had passed on and now they were taking care of them? I'm sure you would want your children to stil be loved and cared for and nutured. If you can't accept the child then how can you truly love your boyfriend? This child is innocent and he doesn't deserve to be treated any differently then if he had been adopted before your children were born. Deep down inside of every mother she loves all children unconditionally. If this child died tomorrow probably knowing in it's you mind that he/she is treated differently how would you feel? I can say with about 95% certainty (since you posted this question) you 'd be devastated. If you have to go to a psychiatrist or a friend you KNOW you can trust with anything and talk about this. I can almost BET this is just a I didn't give birth to him so he isn't mine feeling. Well lady, he is yours as long as you are with his daddy!
2007-03-20 21:00:14 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's good that you can honestly admit this. You understand for the good of your family you must get past this. If you are going to be together, you could be this boy's "mother."
Maybe think about why you feel this way, do you feel jealous of this past relationship your boyfriend had? (If the mother of his child died during childbirth, I could see there being some residual emotions on your boyfriend's part, which you may feel jealous about). Maybe you secretly want him to pay more attention to "your" children.
Maybe try to spend more time with him- I think the more you get to know him, the better you'll feel about him.
2007-03-20 20:53:01 · answer #3 · answered by IDon'tWantToLiveOnTheMoon 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This poor child has lost his mother and never even knew her my heart goes out to him
I know people might say you are being selfish or rude but I think it is perfectly normal you need to spend time with this child one on one get to know him and understand that he is a part of the man you love
never treat him differently and hopefully one day you can be a great mom to him because he will need it
my oldest sis was not my dads but no one ever mentioned it or cared for that matter he loves he and he is the only dad she has ever known
it takes time to build a relationship with anyone that includes a child blood or otherwise
2007-03-20 20:52:57 · answer #4 · answered by badluckbear1 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You might want to find a way to connect with this child 1:1. Bake cookies with him, take him for ice cream, etc.
Don't be hard on yourself. It is what it is. Just understand this is a little person who needs your love as much as the other children.
You might also want to have a family therapist sit down with you and your boyfriend to talk about how to address this.
2007-03-20 20:59:35 · answer #5 · answered by Shrieking Panda 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i feel for this child
you have to make him your own you have been his mom for 2 years now why have you not bounded with him yet ?
if you would like to talk im me or e mail
2007-03-20 22:25:54 · answer #6 · answered by debrasearch 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋