Is it possible to have a civil relationship with the family that abused you as a child?

Question

I was abused mentally and physically for most of my childhood by my mother and step-father. My mother told me I was sexually molested at a very young age, but failed to report it because it was a family member. She was abused by her parents as well.

I worked on a civil relationship with my parents to keep peace after I had two children. Although I never really trusted them to babysit, I would visit on holidays and so forth.

I look at my children now and could never concieve the thought of hurting them... I wonder what in my parents mind made it so easy for them to hurt me repeatedly? So I ask them just a simple question *why*? All the sudden it is my fault that I can't let things go... I need therapy (which I had for years) and they are the victims. They can't understand why I would ask these questions... my sisters who were brought up without abuse are siding with them as well.

Has anyone ever been in this situation ?

I tried to talk to them and find out *why* but they don't eant to own up to it. Instead my mother says that she can't handle talking about it anymore and that I am never satisfied with a "I'm sorry"...

I already forgave her, I just want to know why? I could never hurt my kids, I feel like a monster if I yell at them.

People make mistakes. As an adult, that means you also have own up to the responsibility that comes with mistakes. I don't see why that is such a hard question for my folks.

Answer 1

It sounds like maybe while you were growing up you seemed like the perfect target for thier anger and really there is no reason except for the fact that they could get away with it maybe.. it seems like now they maybe sorry for what they did and just can't say they were wrong in the way that you need to hear it.. my son's father hurt him (which we are no longer around him) but he says he loves his kid.. and now he will see him and stuff but I don't allow them to be alone and really he just says he was stressed out and that is why he did what he did.. (not a good reason.. but reason enough for him.. maybe that is the same with your parents..?) You might never be able to hear the words you need to hear from them, but I would like to encourage you as a parent, to keep an eye over your own kids and it is okay to have a relationship with your parents but I would still have trust issues with the whole thing.

Answer 2

Maybe your mom thinks that by apologizing, she has been owning up to her mistakes. I hate it when people turn the tables on you and make themselves seem like the victims. But it happens all the time. The person who needs therapy is your mom but she may not want to address the issue - and find out what it was that made it easy for her to live with the fact of that abuse. But you can't make someone go to therapy. You can only suggest it. Your sisters have no idea of what you felt since they weren't abused. Tune them out. As long as you have a civil relationship with your parents, I'd keep it that way. I also wouldn't trust them to babysit. You've been doing a great job so far so keep it up. Don't push it any farther because your mom may not know the answer to your questions and she is resisting finding out.

Answer 3

I have hear of such cases. The way I see it is because you are reminding them that as parents they failed you.

Instead of acknowledging and try to make things right with you, is easier for them to put the blame on you.

You shouldn't fell bad and don't hold a grudge against them either, at the end the only person that will be hurt will be you. Just keep your relationship civil as you mention and continue to visit them on holidays and such.

Good luck and some times those who aren't really are family can become your family. Think of all the wonderful people that you must have around you and be thankful for them.

Answer 4

My best friend grew up in a similar situation -- only without the violence and sexual abuse. Still, there was a tremendous amount of neglect and mental cruelty. She struggled for many years to have a civil relationship with her family, but they were still into the games and that made it very difficult. Now she really has no relationship with them and she's much happier. I think you can only have a civil relationship with someone if they are willing to have one with you, but if they're intent on still playing games and proving who's right or who's wrong, how can you have a civil relationship? They are still sick people. Age doesn't cure sick people. It just makes them slower, but in some ways it makes them more dangerous because they've had that many more years to perfect their manipulations and now they've got the cover of sweet little old Grandma or Grandpa.

As for your sisters, some people find it easier to side with their abusers than to ask the hard questions. You are responsible for yourself and your children only. If your family chooses to stay sick, that unfortunately is their right.

Answer 5

I can relate...My mother abused me and my 2 brother and 1 sister for a long time. Sadly for us we were removed from our mothers care 1 week b4 my 13th birthday. And never returned to live with my mother again, I am now 29 years old with children of my own. I have come to forgive my mother because she has since became a different person and bettered herself, but i will never forget the childhood i had and the countless beating and going to bed hurting and growing up with a broken heart and thinking the same question "why" Did she not love us? We will never know! My mother blames us and my older sister who was 19 at the time for turning her in. We never talk of the past and i have alot of questions but id rather bury them then cause more problems in this family! I think sometimes thats why my brothers and sisters (8 of us altogether) can never all seem to get along all at once. We grew up feeling unloved and never seeing love its like natural that we seem to show nothing but hate toward family....Although we love our families that we built!

Answer 6

Yes my friend, I have been in that situation. I was in foster homes when I was younger and one of my foster families wasn't so nice to me. My first day there I got sent out of the house and I wasn't enjoying it at all. I was forced to do things that I NEVER thought I would have to do as a child, but I did. I'm sorry but I do not want to discuss them. Anyways, if someone beat you as a child and has done something you feel is STRONGLY upsetting, you shouldn't forgive the person who did it to you. But, if you feel that is IS right to forgive those people, then do what pleases you. I never saw those people again after I left to my third home, but if I EVER see them again, I will be furious and I will do something to ease my anger.. My friend, if you WANT to forgive your mother and stepfather for what they did to you... Go ahead. It's great that you have a family now. I hope all is well for you. My name is Tyler Breaux and I am 17 years old. TAKE CARE!!!

Answer 7

Yes it is possible, your parents were young and made mistakes. If they have made up for it in other ways then you can forgive. Let me ask you when you were young did you make mistakes that you are ashamed of, well they too feel that way for mistreating you. Please ask them why you were treated in such a way, get it all out, talk about it. If I were you I would give them a chance to amend the past. Good luck.

Answer 8

I have never personally been in that situation but it sounds pretty hard to deal with. I think that is is possible for you to have a civil relationship with them but I am with you. I would not want them to babysit either. If your sibilings werent abused either I would be as curiuos as you are. Good luck to you and God bless.

Answer 9

What a horrible situation to be in. It is hard to forgive or have a relationship with someone who can not even acknowledge that they hurt you, or that, at the very least, they dropped the ball.

Yes, it is possible. I believe that it is desirable in some instances. It is best if you are ABLE to forgive them by accepting that they will possibly NEVER get it. That they do not have the courage it takes to admit their failure. They, at least at this time in their life, are unable to face the shame of what they have done. It is VERY difficult to admit that you were wrong about something. Especially when you were SOOO wrong about it.

Pride is a very powerful defender of our fragile egos. It takes a lot of pain and humility to admit that you didn't do a good job of parenting. I think we can all relate to having a hard time admitting we were wrong about something. Sometimes the more wrong it is, the harder we fight admitting it freely, even if we know in our heart we were wrong. I have yelled at someone, known instantly in my heart it was wrong, yet justified it to them a moment later. For several hours, I pretended that I was right EVEN though I KNEW I was wrong, because I was humiliated and ashamed.

I don't recommend laying your heart on the line (or your children's) to be crushed. Don't buy into endangering your children or yourself. However, if the situation is stable, forgiveness is healing. It frees you to move on. It frees you to admit your own weaknesses that you don't want to admit. It frees you to forgive yourself for mistakes that you make. When you forgive others wholly and completely without them asking for it, you are giving them a Holy, pure, and honorable gift. When you sacrifice your RIGHT to be angry and unforgiving, you will get a boost in your serotonin levels that helps lift depression.

I had to make a difficult choice a couple times in my life to maintain relationships with people who had stolen or injured me. (I still see one who had an affair with my (now ex)husband.) I have chosen to love them unconditionally. I don't necessarily value their opinion. I don't expect them to protect me, love me, or value me. I don't even expect that they appreciate the gift that I have given them. But, when I see them, I no longer have the negative feelings of anger and bitterness and resentment. I feel at peace and relaxed. I know it boosts my serotonin level each time I see them. Because I extend forgiveness to them everytime I see them. I choose to do good every time I see them. (And it has been proven that the doer of a kind deed gets their serotonin level raised.) I am kind to them. I treat them with courtesy even though they haven't or won't acknowledge what happened. Even though they don't recognize the value of the gift, and probably never will.

Answer 10

i havent but i agree with u how can you hurt your children. I would not maintain any relationship with these people and stay far away from them as possible. They are your family but they abused you and dont deserve any respect. Go on with the therapy!!