I have a dying parent...?

Question

and I don't know what to do. It's my dad, and we've never really gotten along. I live in NY and they're way down in NC. Yes, I go and visit but, I don't feel like that's still enough. I think I'm just trying to make up for lost time but, it's not helping-at least, not to the extent I feel it should. I feel lost. It's really a crappy feeling, and no one helps. I mean, they offer empathy, but I want advice. What is he sick with? Everything. And no, I'm not kidding. I only wish I were. He's a severe hypochondriac, and I'm all into holistic healing (the power of the mind, vitamins, herbs, minerals) and he loves going to physicians and hospitals while I don't believe in Western medicine. Regardless, I just need ideas on how to cope. And my mom coddles him endlessly, so she never listens. I hope someone will answer me-thanks. ~N

Answer 1

I can tell you i understand what its like to be losing someone that your not close to and you should be. I can't tell you that it was my dad or my mom so i know that my feelings are not as strong as yours are. Mine is my grandpa. I going to give you the best advise i can. Which is let go of what happend that made you and him grow apart like you are, and try to start over with the time you have left with him. don't wait to long. Go down to NC and stay for as long as you can, and when you go talk to him spend as much time as you can with him. Even if that means you and him sitting in his bedroom hours after hours just talking those are the best days you will always remember. And you may not see it but it would mean the world to him knowing that you gave up your busy life just to spend time with him. I hope this helps you and if not I'm sorry. I hope you and your dad become close agian.

Answer 2

I suppose the query is determined by the form of humans you mother and father have been. I have a loving giving mom and an egocentric asshole father who're going by way of a divorce best making matters financially messy as a result of cash grubbing layers as good possessions of units and and many others. Long tale brief I as an alternative have a father who placed others earlier than himself and had a middle that might die than undergo an extra moment dwelling with a egocentric f**okay occurring approximately how he demands to reside as an alternative. I'm sorry for the lack of your mom, I desire you're in a well location.

Answer 3

Wow!
Life is not easy for you right now, I understand.

Yes, your dad 'might' be sick and since you do not KNOW what he has, ask him.

In fact, show him this question, this website next time you go to visit.

Let him read it.

Or... read it to him, line by line, slowly, so he can really let it sink it.

Write down ALL the questions and feelings you have, and give him a copy of what you wrote.

communicate, write it down.
Be honest but keep it polite and civil.

Give a copy to your mom, too
Let them know how you feel.

Ask them to write to YOU how they feel. Let them talk it out among themselves and then write it down.

Let them give you a copy of what they write.

above all...... remember, a lot of what they and you will write are FEELINGS.

Feeling are neither right nor wrong. They just are.

Feelings.

Answer 4

when someone dies, there is nothing you can really do about it. Just try and make the best of the time that you have left together even though you don't really get along.

Answer 5

ok...the easiest thing to do is get some flowers go up to him and say dad I am sorry and I missed you. Who cares about the medicine and your differences.right??

Answer 6

Honoring Our Elderly Parents

“LISTEN to your father who caused your birth, and do not despise your mother just because she has grown old,” counseled the wise man of long ago. (Proverbs 23:22) ‘I would never do that!’ you may say. Instead of despising our mothers—or our fathers—most of us feel a deep love for them. We recognize that we owe them a great deal. First of all, our parents gave us life. While Jehovah is the Source of life, without our parents we simply would not exist. Nothing we can give our parents is as precious as life itself. Then, just think of the self-sacrifice, anxious care, expense, and loving attention involved in helping a child along the path from infancy to adulthood. How reasonable it is, therefore, that God’s Word counsels: “Honor your father and your mother . . . that it may go well with you and you may endure a long time on the earth”!—Ephesians 6:2, 3.

RECOGNIZING EMOTIONAL NEEDS

2 The apostle Paul wrote to Christians: “Let [children or grandchildren] learn first to practice godly devotion in their own household and to keep paying a due compensation to their parents and grandparents, for this is acceptable in God’s sight.” (1 Timothy 5:4) Grown children offer this “due compensation” by showing appreciation for the years of love, work, and care that their parents and grandparents spent on them. One way children can do this is by recognizing that like everyone else, older ones need love and reassurance—often desperately so. Like all of us, they need to feel valued. They need to feel that their lives are worthwhile.

3 So we can honor our parents and grandparents by letting them know that we love them. (1 Corinthians 16:14) If our parents are not living with us, we should remember that hearing from us can mean a great deal to them. A cheerful letter, a phone call, or a visit can greatly contribute to their joy. Miyo, who lives in Japan, wrote when she was 82 years of age: “My daughter [whose husband is a traveling minister] tells me: ‘Mother, please “travel” with us.’ She sends me their scheduled route and telephone number for each week. I can open my map and say: ‘Ah. Now they are here!’ I always thank Jehovah for the blessing of having such a child.”

ASSISTING WITH MATERIAL NEEDS

4 Might honoring one’s parents also involve caring for their material needs? Yes. It often does. In Jesus’ day the Jewish religious leaders upheld the tradition that if a person declared that his money or property was “a gift dedicated to God,” he was freed from the responsibility to use it to care for his parents. (Matthew 15:3-6) How callous! In effect, those religious leaders were encouraging people not to honor their parents but to treat them with contempt by selfishly denying their needs. Never do we want to do that!—Deuteronomy 27:16.

5 In many lands today, government-supported social programs provide for some of the material needs of the elderly, such as food, clothing, and shelter. In addition to that, the elderly themselves may have been able to make some provision for their old age. But if these provisions run out or prove inadequate, children honor their parents by doing what they can to meet parental needs. In fact, caring for aged parents is an evidence of godly devotion, that is, one’s devotion to Jehovah God, the Originator of the family arrangement.

LOVE AND SELF-SACRIFICE

6 Many adult children have responded to the needs of their infirm parents with love and self-sacrifice. Some have taken their parents into their own homes or have moved to be near them. Others have moved in with their parents. Frequently, such arrangements have proved to be a blessing to both parents and children.

7 Sometimes, though, such moves do not turn out well. Why? Perhaps because decisions are made too hastily or are based solely on emotion. “The shrewd one considers his steps,” the Bible wisely cautions. (Proverbs 14:15) For example, suppose that your elderly mother is having difficulty living alone and you think she might benefit by moving in with you. In shrewdly considering your steps, you might consider the following: What are her actual needs? Are there private or state-sponsored support services that offer an acceptable alternative solution? Does she want to move? If she does, in what ways will her life be affected? Will she have to leave friends behind? How might this affect her emotionally? Have you talked these things over with her? How might such a move affect you, your mate, your own children? If your mother needs care, who will provide it? Can the responsibility be shared? Have you discussed the matter with all those directly involved?

8 Since the responsibility for care rests with all children in a family, it may be wise to hold a family conference so that all may share in making decisions. Talking to the elders in the Christian congregation or to friends who have faced a similar situation may also be helpful. “There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk,” warns the Bible, “but in the multitude of counselors there is accomplishment.”—Proverbs 15:22.

BE EMPATHETIC AND UNDERSTANDING

9 Honoring our elderly parents requires empathy and understanding. As the years take their toll, older ones may find it increasingly difficult to walk, eat, and remember. They may need help. Often the children become protective and try to provide guidance. But the elderly are adults with a lifetime of accumulated wisdom and experience, a lifetime of caring for themselves and making their own decisions. Their identity and self-respect may center on their role as parents and adults. Parents who feel they must hand over control of their lives to their children may become depressed or angry. Some resent and resist what they may see as efforts to rob them of their independence.

10 There are no easy solutions to such problems, but it is a kindness to allow elderly parents to look after themselves and make their own decisions to the extent possible. It is wise not to make decisions about what is best for your parents without talking to them first. They may have lost much. Allow them to keep what they still have. You may find that the less you try to control your parents’ lives, the better your relationship with them will be. They will be happier, and so will you. Even if it is necessary to insist on certain things for their good, honoring your parents requires that you afford them the dignity and respect they deserve. God’s Word counsels: “Before gray hair you should rise up, and you must show consideration for the person of an old man.”—Leviticus 19:32.

MAINTAINING THE RIGHT ATTITUDE

11 Sometimes a problem that adult children face in honoring their aged parents involves the relationship they had with their parents in earlier times. Perhaps your father was cold and unloving, your mother domineering and harsh. You may still feel frustrated, angry, or hurt because they were not the parents you wanted them to be. Can you overcome such feelings?

12 Basse, who grew up in Finland, relates: “My stepfather had been an SS officer in Nazi Germany. He easily lost his temper, and then he was dangerous. He beat up my mother many times in front of my eyes. Once when he was angry with me, he swung his belt and hit me in the face with the buckle. It hit me so hard that I tumbled over the bed.”

13 Yet, there was another side to the picture. Basse adds: “On the other hand, he worked very hard and did not spare himself in caring for the family materially. He never showed me fatherly affection, but I knew that he was emotionally scarred. His mother had thrown him out when he was a young boy. He grew up with his fists and entered the war as a young man. I could understand to some degree and did not blame him. When I grew older, I wanted to help him as much as I could up until his death. It was not easy, but I did what I could. I tried to be a good son to the end, and I think he accepted me as that.”

14 In family situations, as in other matters, the Bible counsel applies: “Clothe yourselves with the tender affections of compassion, kindness, lowliness of mind, mildness, and long-suffering. Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely if anyone has a cause for complaint against another. Even as Jehovah freely forgave you, so do you also.”—Colossians 3:12, 13.

CAREGIVERS NEED CARE TOO

15 Caring for an infirm parent is hard work, involving many tasks, much responsibility, and long hours. But the most difficult part is often emotional. It is distressing to watch your parents lose their health, memory, and independence. Sandy, who comes from Puerto Rico, relates: “My mother was the nucleus of our family. It was very painful to care for her. First she started limping; then she needed a cane, then a walker, then a wheelchair. After that it was downhill until she passed away. She developed bone cancer and needed constant care—day and night. We bathed her and fed her and read to her. It was very difficult—especially emotionally. When I realized that my mother was dying, I cried because I loved her so much.”

16 If you find yourself in a similar situation, what can you do to cope? Listening to Jehovah by Bible reading and speaking to him through prayer will help you greatly. (Philippians 4:6, 7) In a practical way, make sure that you eat balanced meals and try to get adequate sleep. By doing this, you will be in a better condition, both emotionally and physically, to take care of your loved one. Perhaps you can arrange an occasional break from the daily routine. Even if a vacation is not possible, it is still wise to schedule some time for relaxation. In order to get time away, you may be able to arrange for someone else to stay with your ailing parent.

17 It is not unusual for adult caregivers to have unreasonable expectations of themselves. But do not feel guilty for what you cannot do. In some circumstances you may need to entrust your loved one to the care of a nursing home. If you are a caregiver, set reasonable expectations for yourself. You must balance the needs not only of your parents but also of your children, your spouse, and yourself.

STRENGTH BEYOND WHAT IS NORMAL

18 Through his Word, the Bible, Jehovah lovingly provides guidance that can greatly aid a person in caring for aging parents, but that is not the only help he provides. “Jehovah is near to all those calling upon him,” wrote the psalmist under inspiration. “Their cry for help he will hear, and he will save them.” Jehovah will save, or preserve, his faithful ones through even the most difficult situations.—Psalm 145:18, 19.

19 Myrna, in the Philippines, learned this when caring for her mother, who was made helpless by a stroke. “There is nothing more depressing than to see your loved one suffer, unable to tell you where it hurts,” writes Myrna. “It was just like seeing her drown little by little, and there was nothing I could do. Many times I would bend my knees and talk to Jehovah about how tired I was. I cried out like David, who beseeched Jehovah to place his tears in a bottle and remember him. [Psalm 56:8] And as Jehovah promised, he gave me the strength I needed. ‘Jehovah came to be as a support for me.’”—Psalm 18:18.

20 It has been said that caring for aging parents is a “story without a happy ending.” Despite even the best efforts at caregiving, older ones may die, as did Myrna’s mother. But those who trust in Jehovah know that death is not the end of the story. The apostle Paul said: “I have hope toward God . . . that there is going to be a resurrection of both the righteous and the unrighteous.” (Acts 24:15) Those who have lost elderly parents in death take comfort in the resurrection hope along with the promise of a delightful new world of God’s making in which “death will be no more.”—Revelation 21:4.

21 Servants of God have deep regard for their parents, even though these may have grown old. (Proverbs 23:22-24) They honor them. In doing so, they experience what the inspired proverb says: “Your father and your mother will rejoice, and she that gave birth to you will be joyful.” (Proverbs 23:25) And most of all, those who honor their elderly parents also please and honor Jehovah God.

[Footnote]

We are not here discussing situations in which parents were guilty of extreme abuse of their power and trust, to what may be viewed as a criminal degree.

HOW CAN THESE BIBLE PRINCIPLES HELP . . . US TO HONOR OUR ELDERLY PARENTS?

We should give due compensation to parents and grandparents.—1 Timothy 5:4.

All our affairs must take place with love.—1 Corinthians 16:14.

Important decisions should never be made hastily.—Proverbs 14:15.

Elderly parents, even if sick and failing, must be respected.—Leviticus 19:32.

We will not always face the prospect of growing old and dying.—Revelation 21:4.

[Study Questions]

 1. What debts do we owe our parents, and therefore how should we feel and act toward them?

 2. How can grown children pay “due compensation” to their parents?

 3. How can we honor parents and grandparents?

 4. How did Jewish religious tradition encourage callousness toward elderly parents?

 5. Despite provisions made by the governments of some lands, why does honoring one’s parents sometimes include giving financial help?

 6. What living arrangements have some made in order to care for the needs of their parents?

 7. Why is it good not to act hastily in making decisions regarding elderly parents?

 8. Whom may you be able to consult when deciding how to help your elderly parents?

9, 10. (a) Despite their advancing age, what consideration should be given to elderly ones? (b) Whatever steps a grown child takes in behalf of his parents, what should he always give them?

11-13. If an adult child’s relationship with his parents has not been good in the past, how can he still handle the challenge of caring for them in their advanced years?

14. What scripture applies in all situations, including those that arise in caring for elderly parents?

15. Why is caring for parents sometimes distressing?

16, 17. What advice may help a caregiver to keep a balanced view of things?

18, 19. What promise of support has Jehovah made, and what experience shows that he keeps this promise?

20. What Bible promises help caregivers to keep optimistic, even if the one they are looking after dies?

21. What good results come from honoring elderly parents?