How can I be a good father figure if I never had a father figure myself?

Question

I love my gf and her daughter. I've been with my gf for about 11 months. I love her and her 4 year old daughter. My entire life I was treated like crap by my stepfather. My dad wasn't much better. My stepfather was more verbally abusive, while my father was kind of unavailable. My girlfriend is the disciplinarian. We recently thought of a reward system. We posted the "house rules." Whenver her daughter does certain things such as clean her room, etc, she gets stickers. At the end of the week, if she does really well, we take her out for ice cream or let her rent a movie of her choice, but if she doesn't follow the rules, she gets one warning and has a timeout for four minutes (one min for every year). Is this a good system? I want to have a household where discipline is explained. I don't want to be a dictator. Also, when her daughter does well, I think it's important to give compliments. Do these seem like logical tactics. I'm 26, my gf is 31.

aisha: I don't have a "thing" for older women. I met her and we connected. Her age is insignificant. Thanks for the comment, however.

Answer 1

Your being an excellent father figure, and the house rules are age appropriate, but do remember as they grow up they need to learn like cleaning their rooms and doing things around the house shouldnt have to be rewarded because its where you live and you should want to help out but for right now yes its very appropriate,and dont have your girlfriend as the only disciplinary, you both need to show a united front, which means you too will have to discipline as well...keep up the good work!!

Answer 2

Wow! You've had prime examples of how NOT to be a father, and you've chosen to break that cycle and become a good father. That takes maturity and respect for others, and that's pretty impressive.

The system you're both using sounds very much like the "Supernanny's" - and she's terrific. Explaining the discipline is useful for all of you, since it puts all of you on the same page and will lessen the chance for misunderstandings. Compliments are essential, but they have to be real ones - and kids know when they aren't.

All in all, you both seem to know what you're doing. Being a parent means being a disciplinarian, and that word doesn't mean dictator. Kids do better in life - and they feel safer, too -when they know what their boundaries are and what consequences result from their actions.

Keep up the good work!

Answer 3

That sounds like a great system! I also grew up without a father figure, I am 26 years old and have never met my father. Just know that you can rise above everything that has happened to you, you sound like you are already doing that. Any child would be lucky to have you as a father! Keep up the good work!

Answer 4

Yes but don't drive the kid crazy with talking all the time, you can't cram 26 yrs of neglect into her little life. Let her be 4. Stop analyzing everything, [if you tend to] you will stress her out, and she'll feel like a performing seal so please do not clap when she does something good. If you let her have a good old fashioned serene childhod, simple and happy; then you are doing her the best thing. I do believe in spanking, only for obstinate and deliberate disobedience, raised 4 kids, former foster mom and former nanny.

Answer 5

As parents, there's no blueprint to follow. Each child is different (personality, gender, etc.) and each plan is different so many times you have to play it by ear. You have to do what is best for the child, but there are many good books around that will help. Basics never change one of which is to be consistant! Personally I don't like/believe in time out. I believe it just gives them time to think up something else mischieveous to do. Also, find you a friend that is a good father and ask for hints/help/advice.

Answer 6

That is an AWESOME system. I have been doing that with my now five year old. Children need to work for things. Have an awards system, also teaches them earning. Compliments are awesome as well. You can never give to many. As for how can you be a good father figure if you never had one in your life. That should be easy for you. Be the father that you wanted...

Answer 7

Well i think that is actually a really good system, especially for someone so young.. of course when shes older, she may not care about getting stickers.. so i think its a good idea to give complements when she does something good, and tell her if she does something bad.. so in the future when she is older, she won't need such an organized system.

Answer 8

I think you have the makings of a wonderful father. Children don't come with an owner's manual, believe me I wish they did.

Just remember all the things your step father did to you, and how it made you feel, and strive every day to NOT be that person. Just becaues you come from a crappy background doesn't mean that you will be a crappy adult, you can break the cycle.

Just love her, and treat her like you would your own, and when the day comes when you have your own, don't shut her out, remember, bioligical or not, she was still your first child experience.

Answer 9

In my previous 23 years i've got no longer had all of us to look as much as yet my 2 older sisters. My mom and father looked as though it would have toddlers basically so they might tell those that they've little ones. they might ***** approximately each and every thing and let us know that we've been in no way sturdy sufficient. that's difficult listening to that fantastically whilst your a sturdy daughter doing each and every thing right. I had numerous self assurance issues which made me placed up a wall in relationships. Its no longer hassle-free whilst people say how plenty they like their mom and father and you have no longer any reaction. you ought to have self assurance in your self and manage others the way you prefer to be taken care of. perhaps you ought to hunt for counseling to help you deal extra perfect with relationships. have faith in relationships are some thing that needs to be earned. i desire this all works out and that i basically wanted to enable you realize which you're no longer on my own.

Answer 10

i never had a mom, and im a female, and when i have children someday I am going to be that mom i never had, i am going to savor every moment. you need to be open and avialible....you want the kids to know they can come to you for whatever reason, and you need to be strong and set a good example. a little girl needs a "father" figure. You dont need to be a dictator,but you and your g/f need to start setting boundries, and rules, so there is a sense of balance for this little girl, just do your best to guide her in the right direction.....youll pick up on it as you go!