I'm so tierd..of him!!! What should I do?

Question

One of my oldest brothers is always needing my help! To set up his appointments, to fix his computer, download this, take me there, find this for me! I mean I feel like a freaken answering service. He always gets into trouble and guess who is always there to get him out of it!!!He always expects me to know everything...and my husband is getting tierd of it!!! He calls me constantly, donen't leave me alone...kind of like a stalker! But he's my brother and I love him...How can I deal with the situation?At times I feel like his mother!!! Im so frustrated I'm just trying to be a good sister! HELP

Answer 1

Yes, honesty is the best policy here. You have to tell him, not telling him won't change a thing. So it's pretty obvious that if something gets to the point of disrupting your life, no matter what it is, you need to do something about it.

I would start out by saying you do love him, you do enjoy doing things for him from time to time, but.......

Then tell him how it's hard on you, hard on your husband, etc.

If you start out saying what you feel without insulting him, he's less likely to get defensive right away. Anyone who attacks first and speaks reasonably later is not going to get a good response. He'd immediately become defensive if you started out saying, you make me feel like i'm your mother. Then he'd just defend himself and it would become an argument that would be harder to resolve.

So start it out with the plus sides of your relationship, he almost definitely won't stop his behavior if you don't speak up. Why would he? He's got a great sister that would go to the ends of the earth for him:)

Let him know although you WOULD do anything for him, it doesn't mean you WANT to do everything for him every darn day!! He's taking advantage of you in a way, and he needs to rely on himself more than you.

Answer 2

Well it sounds to me like you need to set boundaries with your brother. Yes he is your brother and you should be there for each other, meaning it is a two-way street. It is not always him needing this, wanting that, etc. So let him know what time is good for you to help him or when it is good to call, around what your life or you and your husband have planned. It is one thing if it is an emergency but it is another thing if he is just expecting you to be there, any time, day or night, for his every thought!!! You are not his mother and don't allow yourself to be. So have a good talk with him and set the boundaries. Then stick to it! I know I sure learned that one with family and friends for as much as they love you, nobody cares about you or loves you, as you do, so take care of YOU and your husband first!!!!! Good luck!

Answer 3

You might have to draw a line somewhere.

Display the wish and desire to help him, but let him understand that your help is going to be aimed at getting him to be more organized.

He will need to understand the consequences of his disorganized behaviour - as will you - which might mean he misses out on some opportunities or has to pay for a taxi or will have to find another way to do things.

Let him know that his disorganization is unacceptable to you now and that he has to learn to be more organized. Express to him that you hope he can handle it because you can't handle playing Mom any more. You're his sister!

Let him call you and pester you. DO NOT GIVE IN. Once you embark on this course to encourage him to change, giving in would actually worsen the situation - this would be a form of operant conditioning you see in badly behaved children and on the Simpsons:

Please can I? No! Please can I? No! Please can I? No! ... eventually ... Please can I? Oh - whatever - go ahead!

This only serves to teach that persistent pestering eventually achieves your goal. You want to discourage that.

Please can I? No! Please can I? No - and you are pestering me. Further pestering will result in further consequences - like me not talking to you - or me not helping you with this other thing. Etc.

Answer 4

Being a good sister sometimes means letting your siblings be responsible for their own lives including the mistakes. You are not his mother and if your sibling relationship is as consuming as it sounds your husband has every right to be tired of it and him.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is let someone you love fall down so they can realize that they are capable of getting back up all on their own.

Answer 5

Talk to him and tell him what you told us. You feel like his mother and he needs to learn responsibility cuz you won't always be around to bale him out. Sounds like you've been a good sister who has been taken advantage of and family can do that better than anyone sometimes. You have to be honest with him as you would anyone else who was using you to the hilt!

Answer 6

Try to tell him that he should try to learn to be more independent, in a sisterly way. The next time he calls or asks for help tell him that he should try to solve the problem himself or refuse and say, 'No." If he thinks you are being rude kindly explain that you are only trying to help him become more like a man and less like a child.

Answer 7

Tell him that you need your space and to back off and if he doesn't threaten to do something. Maybe he is just lonely? He might need a girlfriend. My dad will act like that. He calls me to tell him how to fix the tv. Things get broken over there a lot. I know your problem.

Answer 8

Hate to say it but you're being a bad sister--by letting your brother lean on you when he needs to learn to do things himself. There is no way out but to go out. Just not be available.

Answer 9

What you're being is a doormat. Build some backbone and tell him to find someone else to help him.
Until you stand up for yourself, his wanting and needing will continue.
Just say NO!

Answer 10

Tell him he gets himself in these messes and he can figure out a way to get himself out of them. When he asks for rides, tell him he can walk or call a cab.