What do you do if your future mother-in-law is horrible to you?

Question

She seems to cling to her son like he is a life line. I guess i am taking him away.

Answer 1

Avoidance. And draw the line, without being confrontational. My hubbie's mom still tries to dress him and still tries to tell him how to wear his hair. He's learned to accept the advice and basically discard it.

If she's horrible to you, discuss it with your Fiance. Be sure to do it at a time when you are calm. And use lots of "I" messages: "Honey, I grew up a little more independent and it makes me a little uncomfortable when everything is dropped for your mother. I feel like my side is not considered. What can we do to work on this?" or "Honey, I know I can be a little sensitive, especially with all the things we have going on, but I really have to say that it hurt my feelings when I was told to grow up and that my choices in life were stupid."

If he's all for some independence, then in time, you will learn to let it roll off your backs. If he's not, you have a BUMPY road ahead of you. You will always be second to mommy - and that's something that most women won't tolerate.

Answer 2

My fiance's mother definitely has "issues." Ever since he moved in, he's been feeling guilty and visits her almost daily. The last time she was complaining about how lonely she is (she has 4 other children and her husband!). There have been 2 occasions where she purposely mixed alcohol and pills in order to be hospitalized and have her children shower her with attention. I have no respect for people like this, and with my firstborn on the way, I know better than to give in to her attention seeking ways. My fiance understands my stance and while I am civil to his mother, I know that my family (meaning my future son, mainly) is all that matters. Some people you cannot change, so rather than try, you should just try to remain as civil as possible and live your life.

Answer 3

You cant always blame the mother in law there are alot of jealous daughter -in -laws as well . I go way out of my way to get along with my daughter-in -law .I stay out of there business , Ill wont even call over there because I can tell she don't like it. She is so bad that if I invite them to dinner and my son said it was good she will get upset.Ive always had the additude Im not loosing a son Im gaining a daughter but its hard when you have to watch everything you do or say because you dont want her upset.Just do your best to get along with her it will make things so much easier for all of you.

Answer 4

Oh, your mother-in-law and mine must be related or went to the same mother-in-law school. She told me from the beginning that she wanted her son to look at her the way he looks at me and love her the same way. I don't think she realizes what she says. She also asks me over and over and over again if I am here to take her son away. No matter how many times I tell her I'm here to share him she still asks. We have had many fights now because of the way she is.

I've taken a new approach. I don't call her but once in a while just to show "I care". I keep all conversations short and sweet. I talk about non-emotional things like weather, my job, stuff like that. And I only try to say nice things so she can never say I was mean to her. Say one compliment to her and leave it at the so she can never say you were hateful. The other thing to do is make sure your husband is on your side,not that we want them picking sides. She has to realize that he has his own family now that he must look after and we are number 1. This was hard for my husband because they were never allowed to stand up to their mom. It took several months and a lot of conversations between the two of us to get on the same page. But now he lets his mom know that things are not because of me (she's very quick to blame me for things), we are in this together and what goes for one of us goes for both of us. I hope this helps. Good luck!!!

Answer 5

Everyone has different ideas on this, and the reason is because every mother-in-law is different (after all theyre different people). You have to find what will work for you.
I would FIRST, sit her down and talk with her frankly and KINDLY. Tell her you love her son very much and that you are not trying to "take him from her"... that you would like to be included in their family too. She may be shutting you out unintentionally to try and save herself from the "hurt" she feels at "losing" her son. If at this point she makes it very obvious that it IS personal and it is YOU she doesnt like, try to find out WHY? Did you do something to rub her the wrong way, even unknowningly?

If there is no resolution in sight you will have to either "grin and bear it" or talk to your furture husband and find out what his feelings are about it. He may have some insight for you.

What will your future with your husband-to-be will be like... Is he more likely to side with you or her should arguements arise? (NEVER force him to "choose between you", it isnt fair to him and he's likely to choose her because of it) Will he insist on all family celebrations being under her roof? etc.
If you think he is likely to constantly put you into uncomfortable situations talk to him... he may be able to talk to his mom and resolve the issue or you may find that it is something that CANT be resolved and decide to call off the engagement (better than a divorce later on after there are kids involved).

MANY Mother-in-laws come around after they have time to adjust, others are great from the start, and still others NEVER come around... You just have to find out where yours stands in the grand scheme of things.

Answer 6

You just be achingly polite. After all, she raised the man whom you love. And yes, you are "taking away" her little boy, but she will soon learn that sharing is good, because she gets in you a wonderful daughter. Perhaps before the wedding you could send her a card with something like that written in - in your own words, that you appreciate everything she did to help him become the man he is today, and that you are excited about becoming a member of the family, and hope that in some way she will be able to come to look at you as a daughter...
Might go a long way to warming up her heart.... I would just mail it to her, like a "Thinking of you..." kind of card.

Answer 7

I think most of them are that way. Hopefully you can just ignore it and it won't be that bad. I was afraid of this with my future mother-in-law. BUT she's finally coming around and realizing that I'm not so bad. She actually likes me now and we have conversations that don't even involve my sweetie. We IM each other and things. Its nice. You just have to make sure she knows that you like her and you aren't taking away her son, you are a pleasant new addition to her already great family. She'll probably come around soon.
If that doesn't work. Kill her with kindness!!!!!! :)
Good luck with all that.

Answer 8

I was married in my 20's to a man that still was very attached to his mother. She sequestered him on the dance floor during a formal dinner we had all been invited to and I sat at the table most of the evening by myself. She also sobbed during our entire wedding ceremony as if her heart was broken. When she remarried, I was conveniently left out of "family pictures" and when I helped throw her the bridal shower she 'forgot" my name. During Christmas gatherings, while my son was treated to numerous thoughtful gifts, I was given something cheap, and with the pricetag on it. I definitely felt like an afterthought. And, in spite of all of this, I tried to be a very good daughter-in-law, hosting Mother's Day dinners, buying gifts and cards (which he got credit for) and generally trying to be amicable. I drew the line when his mother and her new husband thought I should drop out of graduate school and support my new husband in his pursuit of an AA degree. The worst part, honestly, was my then-husbands attitude toward the whole thing. He didn't want to stand up to his mother, nor did he fight for me. And THAT was a death knoll to the marriage. Tell your husband how you feel. You can even talk to your mother-in-law about your feelings and ask if there is something you might have done to upset her. Might work. But mostly, you get to behave with integrity, honor, and kindness. Compliment the things you can with her and attempt to engage her in things you are interested in. If you husband does not support you, then leave him.....NOW!

Answer 9

I'm in pretty much the exact same situation! I just talk to my bf about it and he talks to her and his father about it but since we've been together for almost 4 years and nothing has changed yet I only envision it getting worse once we tell them that we are getting married. The only that helps me is I tell myself that hopefully her attachment issues to him will subside after the wedding and they accept that he grew up an wants to start his own family. As that was the case with her eldest son. Once he moves out I think it will be a lot easier... at least I hope so. And I hope that it gets easier for you as well. I think that parents let go once they realize that their children have chosen the right person for them and are happy with them. Best of luck.

Answer 10

You need to have a sit down with your fiance. Then maybe the two of you can have one with his mom. You are not taking him away. He is a grown man and he is making this decision with you. Be careful though because you do not want to alienate the mom - the parents are the most important part of any family. You would want him to treat your mom/dad with the same respect and that is one thing you will need to let him know. GOOD LUCK!! Just to let you know though - not all mom-in-laws are like that. I had mine for 25 years and she never interfered. She is with the Lord now.