My old college roommate and best friend of nearly 10 years was my instant choice as my MOH when I got engaged to a boyfriend that I would never have met without her. We dreamed of sharing in the joy of each other's weddings for years. Since my engagement, she has become so distant and completely uninterested in being a part of the planning process to the point that I am worried if she will even show up on the big day. She wouldn't take part in looking for bridesmaids dresses and won't return any of my calls when I've asked for help with anything. She lives a few miles away from me and yet I've seen her once in the last year. I chose her over other close friends and family who can't seem to offer enough help, even though they live all across the country. I feel like I made the wrong decision in asking her to play such an important role in my big day, but how do I address it without ruining whatever we may have left for a friendship?
2007-03-20 07:49:36 · 26 answers · asked by bummed_out_bride 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
She has always been a very busy person - a million differnent things going on at once, but she told me she wanted to be a part of this day. Maybe she was just trying to be nice, but it's making it harder than if she just said she wasn't interested. I know that none of my girls OWE me anything by being in my wedding, but I want people to be a part of the day because they really want to share in the excitement with me. I don't get the feeling that's how she feels. I've tried to talk to her about exciting things going on in her life - not even mentioning my wedding or anything going on with me, but it doesn't seem to help. My fiance thinks she's just jealous, she hasn't been in a serious relationship in a long time. I want to be sensitive to her feelings and everything she has going on in her life, but I feel like she just doesn't care and I am starting to resent her when so many other people have offered so much help!
2007-03-20 08:11:01 · update #1
I think you answered your own questions when you said "We dreamed of sharing in the joy of each other's weddings for years." Each other's weddings being the key words. Jealousy/Lonliness may play a part in this. I know it's easier said then done but call her and say "I feel that you may have so much going on and am afraid that I may be stepping on toes by asking you to be my maid of honor, which means so much to me that you are, but if you can't I'll have to pick someone else, and I'd really rather have you be her, but if you cannot I'll understand" This way you are putting the ball in her court and you are not left waiting around for an answer.
2007-03-20 08:25:05 · answer #1 · answered by Billie A 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I went though the same thing and she lives right down stairs. It was like the minute I got engaged she couldn't have been any less happier for me. She was nasty, late ALL the time, refused to help out and do common MOH things. I didn't ask for outrageous help, just help with ideas on things like flowers. We almost missed the appt to pick out bridesmaid dresses because she HAD to get her nails done a half hour before (acrylic fill ins). The day after I came back from my honeymoon she sent me an email telling me to never contact her again (not that I did anything to her, really).
Take my advice, don't go through what I went through. Drop her. She won't start being a MOH, like I thought mine would. This is usually based off of jealousy. Her marriage failed just a year before and her always single friend was about to become the married lady. I can probably guess right that your MOH is jealous for some reason also.
Funny thing is my husbands good friend got all freaky when we got engaged also.
2007-03-20 08:03:35 · answer #2 · answered by FaerieWhings 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It sounds to me as though you may have not clearly communicated what you expect from her as your maid of honor. Some brides want their MOH to sit by them during every step of the planning process, to go to every single appointment, etc., etc., etc. Others would prefer the MOH to throw the bridal shower, get her dress fitted, and then we'll see you at the rehearsal and on the wedding day. The only way to clear this up with your friend is to have a talk with her, and clearly go over what you expect from her, and what she's willing and able to do for you. Explain what you need your maid of honor to do, and tell her honestly that you're concerned that maybe she's not able to commit that much time at this point in her life. Do this in a VERY non-confrontational manner, calmly, clearly and as non-emotionally as you can, preferably in a neutral location such as a restaurant over lunch (yes, you take her to lunch). But you have to clearly communicate your expectations here, you can't expect her to read your mind, right? Please don't ruin a friendship over this, especially since there wouldn't even be a wedding if it weren't for her.
2007-03-20 09:16:40 · answer #3 · answered by basketcase88 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It could be she is jealous or saddened (doesnt want to lose you to someone else or isnt with someone else herself, etc).
Have a little compassion, as this is YOUR wedding and its probably a little hard for her to keep the enthusiasm going since its not HERS. If she is truly as good a friend as you said she was, she will be there on the big day with "bells on". You already asked her to be your Maid of Honor so you cant "take it back". You could however ask a 2nd friend to also be a Maid/Matron of Honor. If the first doesnt show you will have your 2nd Maid of Honor stand in (duty-wise) and if she does show it will just be 2 Maids of Honor or a Maid and a Matron (not all that uncommon these days).
2007-03-20 08:01:34 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you have other that are willing to help you maybe its time to just tell her that she is bringing your mood down, and since this is to be one of te most memorable days of your life you need people who actually care and support you on your side.
I would tell her that you and your fiance feel that she may be jealous and if so that it doesn't work well with your plans. She is welcome to come to the wedding but as for being the maid of honor you have chosen to replace her with someone that is not emotionally torn apart at this time in her life. I would express that you love her as a friend and this was a very hard decision but you just feel like she is not capable
of being there for you when you may need her the most.
I think you should also convey that you realize that she has not been in a serious relationship for awhile and all this may be to hard for her to handle.
God Bless and Congrats.
2007-03-20 12:34:29 · answer #5 · answered by Livinrawguy 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
First of all you dont need this stress so best thing to do is to call her or drive to her house and have a one on one talk with her about whats going on. Once you get talking to her ask her what is going on in her life and why she is not returning your calls, trying to avoid this special day with you. Tell her that you really want her to be your MOH but it seems like she's the last person that wants to be. If she doesnt give you a good answer or is being rude about it, than best to ask her up front if she wants to be the MOH. And if she says yes than tell her shes going to have to start acting like it and be apart of this event. If she still doesnt get her act together the next time she calls than you will have to replace her. Invite her to your wedding but I wouldnt have her as your MOH. Seems to me that she might be jealous and that she's not happy for you. If thats the case than she's not as good of a friend as you thought she was.
Congratulations, and I hope your planning of this special day goes smoothly from now on.
2007-03-20 08:41:22 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
Such drama you are creating!
I chose my MOH because she is the absolutely closest to my heart. She lives VERY far away, and we see each other only every few years, but are in contact always. She obviously couldn't help with ANYTHING for the wedding, but I wanted her by my side, that is what is important.
It sounds to me that you so were into your bf that you didn't bother seeing this friend more than once in the past year. That would hurt anybody. This is your fault, and though it is natural to want to spend more time with one's bf, one doesn't just cut off a "best friend" because of a guy. That is what she is feeling. You owe her a HUGE apology for treating her badly -- well, actually, for NOT being a good friend to her.
2007-03-20 08:29:53 · answer #7 · answered by Lydia 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
My maid of honor was suppose to be my best friend too and she did the same things you are explaining.. What I did, I just made sure I had a backup person as a maid of honor (or a back up bridesmaid- that way if one of your bridesmaid become the maid of honor then you have another on hand). My friend didn't show up to my wedding, so really it was the best thing for me to have a backup. Leave it up to her to buy her dress and sized and everything that way your not out of luck if she doesn't show.
2007-03-20 07:56:21 · answer #8 · answered by littlemama882003 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
She is either jealous or she's having an affair with your fiance. I know this because I was supposed to be MOH of my friend's wedding and it was very difficult and painful for me to help her because I had been having an affair with her fiance for almost two years. I just wasn't able to perform my MOH duties because it hurt me to see the man that I loved (at the time) marry someone else. Before you judge me too harshly, she knew about it in the beginning, we started out as a threesome (before they got engaged) and it never ended and though we stopped including her she "knew" it was still going on. At any rate, as busy as your friend may be, to totally ignore your calls and requests for help, she's either very jealous or she's sleeping with your fiance. Hope this helps.
2007-03-20 09:33:06 · answer #9 · answered by Brandy 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I belive that you are caring and considerate friend. However, you wrote that she is a busy lady with a lot of things going on.... so maybe that doesn't give her the oportunity to offer a lot of help now.
My advice is to meet with her for coffee and chat, as good friends. Tell her that the wedding date is coming up and that you are concerned that she wonn;t be able to make it considering that she has X and Y going on. Tell her that is important for you that she will be there for you and IF she can't be therem you would understand. Tell her that you understand that the world doesn't revolve around your wedding, and that you are trying to be considerate to her needs and accomodate her busy schedule, but you would like to know ahead of time if she will be able to do this for you. Tell her that her friendship is valuable to you and that you will appretiate her honesty may she change her plans or mind.
Good luck
2007-03-20 08:22:57 · answer #10 · answered by Blunt 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋