is it normal for a 49 yr. old man to insist on keeping his mother with him ,?

Question

instead of putting her in nursing home, she has alzheimers, we r engaged living in nearby states, this is ruining our chances of being together, i dont want her living with us, he has even stopped his job to take care of her, so i feel he is choosing her over our futures, she is 85, she has already had a full life, please give me some advice

Answer 1

Instead of fighting with him about his mother. Help him out she is 85 she will not live too much longer maybe a year or two it will get too rough to keep her at home at one point. Help him to that point. You will be glad you did. He will love you more for it . He will remember how you helped out hopefully. My ex did not and played second fiddle behind his mom for 30 years and took care of a bed ridden cancer patient for 1 year after I got off work ever day. Diapers and all. But I have a clear concoinus. That is worth more than a cheating ex husband with no feelings. Your future husband sounds like a great guy. Help him out .You will be glad you did.

Answer 2

I will say that I would be doing exactly what your fiance' is doing. As long as I was able to meet her physical needs, I would do so. I give him credit for loving her enough to ensure that she leaves this life with the dignity and love that she gave to him when she brought him into it. I would also say that, to me, this would be a stellar indicator of what he would be willing to do for you in the event you became seriously ill.

However, that type of sacrifice is not for everyone and it sounds as if it is more than you want or feel you can handle as you start a life together with this man. So the final choice is really your's alone to make. If you love this man...really love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him..you will respect his choice and support him willingly to the best of your abilities...that means without resentment, anger or ultimatums. However, if you truely see your future with him as a "her or me" situation, you have already gotten all the advice you need. He is who he is and while you love him, he shouldn't have to choose between the two women in his life. In any relationship, having to issue an ultimatum that forces a choice between loved ones, the one doing the asking is usually the one with the insecurities. You may want to re-consider your relationship because forcing the issue will almost certainly lead him to do the same....and my guess is he will not put his mother in a nursing home.

Answer 3

my advice to you is to move on. Not because there is anything wrong with him, but because you two have very different ideas about family loyalty. There is nothing wrong with what he's doing. To him, taking care of his mother when she's dealing with a debilitating, fatal disease is just the right thing to do, as opposed to letting her suffer the last years of her life surrounded by strangers, and dying without family around her. While I understand that this would be a hard sacrifice for many, it would also be seen by many as a loving, kind, honorable thing to do for the woman who spent her life taking care of him. If you really can't see it his way, do him a favor and move on, He has enough pain in his life right now without trying to deal with an unsupportive girlfriend.

And one other thought - If he's 49, you must be at least in your late 30's to mid 40's . So... in 40 years, when you're sick and frail, how will you hope to be treated by your own children?

Good luck.

Answer 4

it is perfectly normal to love and want to care for you mother. I would have never put mine in a nursing home.

she gave him life and he feels he is the person to take care of her.

would you really give up a chance to be happy just because you do not want his mother with you.

there is no reason you can not ask for help with her. most insurances pay for home care. so that you two could still have a life.

think about it how much longer does she have to go on. if he is 49 chances are she is 69 or older. talk to him if you really do not want her there and he really does not want to put him in a nursing home then you will both be unhappy if one of you gives in.

Answer 5

if you love him, you will support what he is doing. she took care of him for how many years? it is the least he can do. also, stop being so selfish, she is 85 for crying out loud. be happy you found a man who is willing to do this. now you know you won't be thrown into a "home" when you get sick, and that he will take care of you too. if you can't live with her and don't want the hassle of taking care of her, do not move into until she has left. he may love you more in the long run if you partner up with him on this though.

Answer 6

Yes, it is normal for a child to want to take care of parent they loved and took care of them their entire life. If you are expecting him to chose between taking care of her and being with you then you are being very selfish and maybe need to re-think getting married altogether.

It is better that he spends time and trys to care for now while she remembers who he is; she likely reach a point when she doesn't and that may be when he will need to place her in a nursing home.

If he is trying to take care of her on his own with no help for siblings or relatives, there will likely come a time when he will need to put her into a nursing home as it will be too much form him to take care of her 24/7 by himself.

Answer 7

Alzheimer's is a terrible disease. If he can afford a nursing home that would be the best thing for her as well as for you 2.
Maybe if you both could live the same town as she does he could see her everyday.

Answer 8

Yes it's normal! His mother is dying and he is caring for her. How would you like it if someone dumped you off in a home and forgot about you your last few months/years on this earth? Stop being so selfish and appreciate that your fiance is that type of caring person.

Answer 9

don't make him choose. my mother in law left her home in florida to take care of her mom in michigan. she had 3 siblings living within 15 miles of her mom and neither 1 of them came around but a handful of times. this went on for 6 yrs. her husband, my husband and i took care of her for those 6 yrs. but when she passed they were the first ones to have their hand held out for the things left in the will. so help him with her. this is a good man and you don't want to have this come between you. just remember, a good man really is hard to find. good luck and i hope you make the right choice.

Answer 10

The prayer of St. Francis says it best............


Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance a violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it"