7 year old daughter ignoring us all the time....?

Question

Hi

I don’t really know where 2 start, I have posted on here before but still having issues.

I have 2 daughters, eldest aged 7 she is my step-daughter (she calls me mum & has no contact with her biological mum) I have bought her up for 3 an half years so I class her as my own. I also have another daughter with my fella she is nearly 2.

Anyway back to the problem, my eldest. She very rarely listens to what we say (unless we are telling her to get some sweets/crisps etc) she tells lots of lies about anything, it can be something small or it has been in the past something huge.. even to the point of her telling her dad I punched her !! Which of course I didn’t. We ask her to help a little around the house for instance if she makes a mess tidy it up after her, tidy her room (to be honest that’s all we ask her to do) but it seems like everything we ask of her she just wont do, she ignores us all the time.

We have tried taking her toys out of her room, No TV for a Week, No Play station / grounded etc. No Sweets, Star Chart/Smiley Face Chart. Nothing works. We have smacked her, she cries but she still ignores us/tells lies. We have tried ignoring her when she talks to us or asks us for something, we have stopped her going to sleep over at her nanna’s for the weekend until her behaviour improves (which seems to be of no avail) Her school teacher has called us in twice because she ignores her in school, she does hardly any work and when she does she copies it from the person sat next to her. Or she spends all her time talking…It has even got to the point where we have been to the doctors because we cant cope, all the doctors say is that she is independent !!!! I don’t see how ignoring us gives her independence.

I have found myself crying all the time, she is putting such a huge strain on mine & my fella’s relationship (were engaged) & we really want to make things work rather than give in.

I understand kids aren’t angels and I don’t expect her to be an angel, I cant remember the last time our home life was a happy place. Any suggestions/ideas please.

Thanks xx

I have read some of your comments, and i have thought in the past maybe she has ADD i have heard of it and looked it up on the net. Also Attachment Disorder is another that seems to fit with her pattern of behaviour.

And this has been going on now for nearly 3 years we have sat and talked to her, asked her how she feels, whats on her mind we repeatedly tell her she can come talk to us, we have told her we love her the same as her sister we just dont like her behaviour. I dont agree with just ignoring the problem and it will go away, i have been to the doctors and health visitor but they say it's sibling rivalry, she is getting used to her sister being here.. i dont agree with that either as her behaviour isnt aimed at her sis. And no i dont beleive she is 'missing her biological mum' as she has never had any contact with her (ever) she has never seen her, i do relaly beleive its attention.. we just dont know how to address the problem

hello again..

we have sat down with her and talked to her equally, she says there is nothing wrong & that she is happy. She tells us she doesnt like being shouted at or when me and her dad are angry with her. We tell her were only every angry when she doesnt listen, it still doesnt seem to matter to her though...

Answer 1

Honestly my little sister is the same way. She doesn't ignore, but she is a very big liar. She has seen councelors and everything and they say she is suffering from depression. Now, for my back story....my mother left us for her boyfriend that she was only with for 2 months when my little sister was only about 6 or so and I was 12. My little sister then would never lie. She thought that if she lied she was going to die and the devil was going to get her. Now honestly it started about the time my step mom came into the picture. We LOVE our stepmom to death, but my sister can't seem to stop lying about the most stupidest things that wouldn't even get her into trouble if she told the truth and she even told her teacher that my step mom said it was ok for her to have sex with a boy and she was only in the 3rd grade at the time. I think it has something to do with her knowing that our real mother doesnt want anything to do with her. Yes, she may love you, hell, she may ADORE you, but there still is nothing like knowing your mother cares. Do you know what I mean? I am very upset at our mother, yet I don't take out my frustrations that way. Maybe she should see a councelor and get some stuff off her chest? That could help. It has helped my little sister ALOT and although she does slip and tell lies every now and again I can tell that she doesn't want to. Its emotional pain, even if she denies it, cause I know I do. The emotional pain eats at you and eat at you and that is probably the best way to get her frustrations out. I hoped I have helped you in some way. Please, IM me Shermia.trueheart and let me know how everything went or goes. My little sister is now 15 and is trying to do better. It wont happen over night, but maybe, just maybe she wont have that pain anylonger.

Answer 2

If the Grandma wants to raise her, and its ok with the bio mother and the law, its a possible answer. This little girl is like a drop of oil floating on an ocean of water. She knows she is not your daughter. She evidently is not interacting with the father and basically she is feeling lonesome. Stop telling her what to do and when your 2 year old takes a nap, make that the time that you and the seven year old do things together. Like room pick up, making cookies, reading books, helping to make dinner, folding towels and matching socks. The more you have happy interaction, the more she will gain confidence in you. The biggest problem the little girl has right now is.. She doesn't have an anchor. Inwardly she worries that she will lose everybody she loves. If she grows to love you, in the back of her mind, mothers can be removed and she will only be hurting herself.
If the grandma she visits is the mother of the estranged bio mother, this may be a part of the problem. She may be coaching the little girl to be naughty. Just hang on and be the good mommy. Think about things you can help her with that will raise her self confidence too... dance lessons, music lessons, cheerleading group, bluebird campfire girls, sunday school class. Keep the Faith, Rome wasn't built in a day.

Answer 3

Well--first of all I offer you my sympathies--having a strong willed child is difficult on the parents--yes--she is independent but she does have to be given limits within which she can flourish--when she is older--her independent spirit will be great--she won't be easily bullied or manipulated, etc--and could be a strong leader--but for now--she still has to learn the basics--so that she can learn to get along with others...She sounds quite bright and is not the type who can be tricked into anything--she will just ignore your efforts, right?...What you have to do is enlist her support in achieving things--Sit down with her--and work out a list of chores that she is responsible for--cleaning her room--say--every evening having it tidy--with toys and clothes put away--Finishing her homework--etc--and if she does all of these things for a week--or some other designated time--she will get a specific reward--if she does not--well--she will not get the reward--I know this sounds like a very mechanical behavioral model for such a creative child--but it may work--My son is also very creative, independent , etc--so he doesn't need any help in being a free spirit--While for some children rewards/not giving rewards (I'm not into punishments really)-- makes them dependent on an artificial system and does not allow them to become independent thinkers--with children like my son--and it sounds--your daughter--they actually need and thrive on this bit of structure..Again--you need to include her in this becasue if you try to impose it on her--it will not work--this has to be a joint undertaking--Each night you could make a big deal of checking off the items that she has completed and congratulating her--and at the end of the week--you all can go out and celebrate--and get her her reward--all the while telling her how proud you are at how responsible she is being...Basically--you are looking for ways to catch her and find her being and doing right things--start noticing those things and rewarding her for them and those behaviors--positive, responsible ones--will increase dramatically...Good Luck:)

Answer 4

Make a schedule with a specific time to clean her room daily and if done daily, should only take 10 minutes. Use your imagination and make up a calender with these times on it with a points level. List 10 different things such as going for ice cream or going roller skating but make each one worth a certain amount of points. When she reaches these point levels she can spend them points on an event she would like to do. Don't forget to make a column on the side for lies. Everytime she lies, write what it was and deduct points from what she has earned.

Another thing to help build her selfesteem is to go these web sites http://www.billybear4kids.com/show/awards/certificates.html
http://www.kidscerts.com/free.php
http://www.123certificates.com/
and after her earning a week of no lies or a month of no lies and so forth, print out an award and make her a special little book, scrapbook like, for her to show off and appreciate her work she has achieved with her name done in glitter or let her decorate it but wait until she earns her first award and let her put it in the book.

Remember, it's important to also deduct when the chore has not been completed or if she is ignoring you but document it so she can see it later when she wants to spend her points.

SMACKING is not going to help the situation any so find a more positive solution such as I've listed for you but again, be creative with her interests and it will get her to make new friends at skating, bowling, dress up at LIBBY LUE's through the JCPenny or whatever. Sometime you should offer to teach her to make pancakes, that seemed to help when I went through this with my stepson and we now have a great relationship and he is going to be 15.

Answer 5

It sounds like she is confusing independence with acting like a brat.

While it is normal for children to push the envelope to see how far they can go, when a child ignores you to their own detriment regardless of punishment, there are underlying issues within her psyche that need addressing.

I would recommend individual and family counseling. You need to learn to communicate with each other and to set parameters for her behavior that has clear consequences, which she helps set, and to be able to effectively discipline without being punitive.

Some children do NOT respond to spanking at all, it simply steels their resolve to do what THEY want to do.

She needs to also understand that doing things that are harmful to her have long ranging consequences beyond just being grounded or have her toys taken away.

Seek counselling from your church, local community health center and from the school. Understand that it is a PROCESS and not a destination. You won't get to a good place overnight.

BE CONSISTANT.

remember to show her love and remind her how much you appreciate it when she does something good. Make a point to say how good it is when she helps you. Praise her honestly for things she does that are good.

Good luck!

Answer 6

These are symptoms of Attention Deficient Disorder. You will have a lot of people on here to tell you there is no such thing, but if you have her tested by a psychologist, you will find out the true problem. He/she will also be able to work with you and your significant other to help you two to find out the best ways to help her. At the rate she is going, she will begin to cut school or drop out. You can find articles on the internet that explain ADD. Here is one link that you can read about it.
http://www.add.org/pdf/GuidingPrinciples021206Rev[1].pdf

Answer 7

Sounds like she has some separation issues. When a mother abandons a child, there are far reaching effects on the child. Attachment disorder is one thing that can happen.

I suggest strongly, that you and your "fella" take her to a therapist and see if they can get to the bottom of things.

If that doesn't work, try getting a book called "Parenting Children with Love and Logic." It is written by Jim Faye and Foster Kline. It's wonderful!

Answer 8

There may be something really wrong with her and there is no way she can communicate with you or anybody. Maybe you should try asking her, Is there anything going on that you want to talk about? Or do you just want to talk? Tell her that your always there for her and will listen without being judgmental. If this doesn't work try taking her to a child psychologist and they could find out whats going on with her.

Answer 9

I don't know if I have advise that will help but I'll give it a try.

Personal experience tells me that children will always test the boundaries with each individual they're with. They learn, this is what I can get away with, with mum, this is what works with dad, this is how I have to be with Nanna, and this is how I have to be with Aunty Joan. First thing I would ask is what is she like with her Nanna? Does she treat her the same way or is she more attentive? What's she like with her father? I guess this is the first step in determining whether this is an attitude towards you (and her teacher) or whether it's a general behavioural problem. You've raised her as your own for 3 and a half years. Has this always been a problem or is it something that just started to happen? Is there an event that happened around that time that may have triggered it? (I'm not a fan of automatically saying kids have ADD or the like. It's too simple and in my opinion most of the time, not all but most of the time, it's wrong).

I know this may sound like a silly question but have you tried talking to her? I mean really talking. Not telling her off but talking to her, as an equal and explaining that she's hurting you. Talking to her like she's an equal. I know some people will say that children are not equals but I disagree. You would be amazed how much of difference it can make if you stop talking down to children. I'm not saying you do this, I just know a lot of people do. Children are not idiots. I think your daughter has proved this. She's obviously found your button and she's going to keep pressing it until she's made to stop.

Another option is rather than dealing with her as "the enemy", maybe you could try to build your relationship with her by spending time with just her. ( I know it may be difficult because you have another daughter and I'm not sure what your family/friend situation is) Find something she'd like to do. Making it a "grown up girls day". Send her an invitation in the post. (Actually post it) It could be seeing a movie or going on a picnic. Getting your hair done together at the salon. Anything that you think she may like that she could do with you. And send it to her when she's be reasonably good. I realise with your situation that it may be difficult to pick the time but try for the best.

Of course your other option is to put your foot down. You sound heartbroken and it's very obvious from your question that you're a gentle person. My best friend's children can be absolute nightmares for their mother but if I am watching them, they just stop. Sounds like I'm mean doesn't it. I'm not, truly. I love her children as if they were my own. I have never (and would never) smacked them and I do not yell at them. I do however not tolerate any crap from them. Don't get me wrong, I get along really well with these kids. They're great. Their father and I come to blows (figuratively) every now and then because he believes his children are influenced more by me than him. I do however have a very stern voice when I need to. I'm not a fan of confrontation but my daughter will tell you that she knows when I walk into a room if I'm angry with her. She can feel it. I think my friends children have the same. You have to take the lead here. You have to put your foot down and tell your daughter that you do not accept being treated the way you are being treated. You mentioned that you've tried ignoring her. How long for? I don't mean to under estimate what you've tried. I know you're at your wits ends but if you're going to try ignoring her, you can't just do it for an hour. It needs to be when she is nice and polite to you, you talk to her. When she is rude, doesn't listen or lies, you completely ignore her - all day if necessary. Obviously you don't want to neglect her. You need to still make sure she's fed and safe and all that. You also need to get your partner to do the same. He needs to show his daughter that her behaviour is not acceptable to him either.

Out of all these obviously the best option to try first, if you haven't already, is talking to her or a bonding session with just the 2 of you. Choose the path of least resistance. If you've tried all these options then I'm sorry I can't help. I'm always sticking my 2 cents worth in with my friends kids when they're around and I'd love to be able to do the same with you.

On last tip, anything that you're going to try, go into it with a positive attitude. If you expect a bad result, you'll get a bad result. Whatever you're going to try, do it with love in your heart and strength in your head. You don't deserve to be treated like this and it's time for it to stop.

Answer 10

It seems as though your daughter is a clone of my daughter. While reading your question my mouth dropped.I could not believe someone else had the EXACT same problem i have. My daughter is 8 but this did not just start. I have been thinking about counseling. I am so sorry for you because i can truly say i know how you fell. I bet we are not alone. I hope you get the answers you are looking for.