How do I deal with my kids real dad when he comes up for a visit?

Question

My kids real dad lives in Alabama and they live in Pennsylvania.My children do not know him but yet the courts make me give my children to him when he feels like coming up,which is not when his court orded visits are.My daughter doesn't know him because he left me after he got me pregnant.She screams when she has to go with him,because he's a stanger to her.So that is why i'm asking how do I deal with him and me not wanting to give my kids to him.

I'm sorry I forgrot to mention he is an abuser.not towards the kids but when i was with him he beat me.he also neglets my children when he has them by not bathing them,leaving the same socks and underwear on them for days.

I'm afraid that if I don't give him my kids it will come back on me when and if I go to court again.He also wants me to give both of my children who are 2 and 5 to him for 2 weeks out of the summer to take down to Alabama.

Answer 1

Ditto on the supervisited visitation. It's a PITA too (I made BAD experiences with it, social worker siding with a deadbeat-dad), but it's still much better than giving the kids to him and hoping for the best. Maybe you can arrange a trusted family member to be approved as supervisor, but it might be different in the US than in Germany, where I lived back than. The most important thing is to show the court, that you don't want to avoid contacts between your kids and the father, but just want to keep it comfortable to the kids.

Good Luck!

PS: I agree on what a previous poster said - never badmouth the father, it will just backfire on you. When you deal with him, keep it short and sweet. My ex is the biggest PITA, but I won't start fighting with him, if he ever comes to visit - he doesn't have the power to provoke me anymore, and I know, that he makes stupid comments only to get a reaction. It's no fun for him, if he doesn't get the desired reaction.

Ever since I showed him his boundaries in a heated phone-conversation ("If you assault me, I'll hang up, I will talk with you only, if you're capable of talking like an adult.") he's sugarsweet, whenever he contacts me...;-) I also don't see the need to badmouth him, he's perfectly capable digging his own hole and doesn't need help on this, LOL.

Answer 2

Well...it seems the answers here go by the asumption that dad is a total jerk. If he IS, then I guess the answers given already will just be repeated by me.

On the other hand, I'm one of those dads that was living in a different state and had to go to court just so the visitation my ex and I agreed on would stick. Obviously something comes up on either end and we work around it....now...lol

But here's my question to you.....Do you talk bad about Dad? If that's the case, it's no wonder that she acts the way she does. You have to remember that any friction between you two is going to be felt by the kids. Granted, it stinks what he did, but he IS thier father. In my county in NJ, both parents have to sit through a video about how to deal with each other. The main thing they stress is don't talk bad about the other!

Sit down with your kids and explain that dad is trying to put forth an effort to be with them. Let them make thier own decisions about him. Later on when they get older, if they decide they don't want to see him, you can go to court to stop the visitation. If it's a reason such as..."it gets in the way of playing video games"....don't bother going to court, it'll be thrown out.

Fact of the matter is...you're going to have to deal with this guy the rest of your life. Instead of making it a dilemma, be the bigger person and try to make it at LEAST cordial. My ex and I get along fine in front of my son. It just makes things easier on him.....AND us. We always keep it casual, so either of us can call the other if there's an issue about OUR son that needs to be addressed.

Trust me, making it a point to get along will help the kids a LOT more than you know.....

ADD ON.........
Well geez why didn't ya say so at first?

Next time he brings the kids back, video tape it. Just make it seem like a happy go lucky "hey the kids are back" kind of atmosphere. Then after he leaves, record what the kids say afterwards. Get film of what the clothes look like. You get the idea....then call a lawyer and see about ending visitation.....sounds like an azz now that you added onto the story.

Answer 3

You're going to have to do your best. Know that although your child is upset, that she will be fed, clothed, etc. I had my daughter's father walk out when she was an infant and then walk back in when she was 3. I had to watch her get in a car and drive away and I cried the entire night. As the visits progressed, my daughter did better. I have had to deal with the anger and resentment of him walking out and have learned to give him another chance. I'll never like him, but I respect the fact that he and his daughter should know eachother. He made a mistake before, but better late than never.
You're going to have to let your kids go to him. If you refuse, the judge can take the kids from you permanently. You can try to get a lawyer to appeal or atleast ask that he not go so far with your kids, but you are going to have to abide by the judge's decision.

Stay strong and keep the kleenex nearby. Try to assure your children that you will be waiting for them and am only a phone call away. (phone calls help)

Answer 4

I think it's your duty as a mom to protect your kids first. He abused you and neglects them. Talk to a lawyer and see if you can just avoid him without any legal consequences. Let him take you to court if it's something that he wants to pursue. I would definitely keep a record of you daughter's reaction even if it's just a written record. The courts usually will consider the child's reaction. Sometimes the right thing to do isn't what the courts see and that is where you are going to see what you can do to be proactive in legally protecting your child. God Bless!

Answer 5

What? Of course the courts will side with you--get evidence of how he is neglecting them--You should yourself call the courts and say what is happening (through your attorney--get a good one)--how he is not bathing them etc--You do not have to give them up when the courts have not told you to..Why are you agreeing to do that?...If he abused you--well--I hope the court knows this?...They will not be so eager to send your kids with him--Evidence--evidence--have your kids say that they do not want to go--and basically since he just comes whenever he wants--that is also proof that he is irresponsible--he needs to come when the court says he can and after making plans with you-not just whenever he feels like it---otherwise he is being irresponsible...and since he left--he should be following your terms not the other way around--it sounds like you are still afraid of him--he has no power--he left--let the court know what is going on--and take control of the situation--if he wants to see his kids he needs to follow your plan...and make sure you are comfortable. period. he does not get to call the shots--instead--he is lucky he is able to participate at all after his iresponsible and abusive behavior.

Answer 6

I would take it back to court and request supervised visitation until the kids are comfortable with him. You obviously got a crap deal with this, because it sucks that he can just come whenever it is convenient for him. I believe kids should know their parents, but not when it is traumatizing to them at the same time. Maybe the courts can help you sort it out. Good luck to all of you!

Checking back on your question, I would throw a fit about him taking them out of state. No way on that one!!

Answer 7

Get yourself a better lawyer. Coz the one who sorted this out for you should be shot. Your their mother, theyre your kids you've raised them etc all he did was donate his sperm. Not to sound like Jerry Springer but where the hells he been?
The court will have to consider if Its in the kids best interests to have him visit. This will basiclly depend on his character and if he's likely to be a bad influence.
Fight the power.

Answer 8

Honey you need a better attorney! There is no way a court system is going to make you give your children to the Dad unless it is court ordered visitation.

Answer 9

Your moms and dads are dwelling to your residence, beneath your laws. You have to rise up in your father and inform him that beneath his roof he can say something he wishes, however even as he's beneath your roof he demands to exhibit a few appreciate. If he doesnt like that then he'll ought to cross. If humans cant appreciate you to your possess residence, regardless of who they're, they will have to no longer be welcome to stick there. At this factor I consider its prolly excellent to your dating together with your father that he does cross. Cause you being round every different all day absolutely isnt serving to.

Answer 10

first video tape how your child reacts to her father then get a lawyer and go to court. You might be able to get it so he can not visit AT ALL. A father who just pops in and out of a child's life is mentaly HARMING their child and you can use that in court. It can be very disturbing and confusing for a child to have a person just come and go as they please.