I HAVE A QUESTION: 33 and 20 too big of an age difference?

Question

I am 20 and seeing this 33 year old guy. He seems to be emotionally unstable and cannot even deal with me leaving to go to a doctor's appointment. Besides all of that though, my ? is: Is that an inappropriate age difference? And why does he want a 20 year old?

And also, I look to be only 15 or 16

And I met this guy thru my friend who's a bartender...and well....he got her pregnant when she was 15 and he was 18...she's 30 now...I know it seems like a no-brainer, but I am genuinely confused because I feel alone.

And also, he had a back injury and will never do anything...just lies around all day because of teh pain.

Answer 1

Okay, forget about the fact that this "man" is 13 years older than you, to me that is hardly the issue or worst of the problem. He's a bum. He preys on young girls and isn't responsible enough not to get them pregnant. I am assuming the "friend" who set you up with this loser didn't keep the baby, since you mentioned nothing about his having a child. This guy is possessive, not wanting you to leave his side and he's lazy - pain or no pain. Sounds like a real control nut who's definitely feels inadequate so he finds girls weaker than himself to control as to boost his ego. My question to you is WHAT exactly are you getting out of the deal? Instead of asking why he wants you, a 20 year old (it's pretty obvious) you should be asking yourself why you want a washed up, no good 33 year old baby. Smarten up and move on before this guy knocks you up and ruins your life too.

Answer 2

You're questions are very good. Why does he want a 20 year-old? Can't he get someone his own age? He may be extremely immature for someone his age. Just watch out for that. He seems to be a bit possesive as well, which, if I were you, I would be more worried about that. Possesive and dominating men can be very damaging to your life. Just beware if he gets overly jealous when he sees you talking to other guys. That's a clear sign that you need to move on. If he's not the overly jealous, possesive type, just be honest with him and make sure he knows that you need your space to get your errands done.
In general, I don't think you should worry about the age difference if there are no other big issues. I am a 25 year old woman in a relationship with a 37 year old man. We've been together for over 3 months and are just as happy as can be. The reason our relationship works is the same as any other good relationship you'll find. It has nothing to do with our ages (other than the fact the our maturity levels mesh really well---this IS very important). Good luck to you!

Answer 3

from personal experience i'd say that was too big an age difference, at your age.

13 years isn't so bad if it's 40 and 53, but a 20 year old hasn't had enough life experience to relate to a 33 year old.

your specific case is a little different as your b/f sounds like a nutcase, so you can't follow the same rules.

usually, an older person will have seen and done a lot more, and even if the younger person is mature for their age they still have potentially life changing experiences to go through ... sleeping around, having their heart broken for the first time, having a job with responsibility, living on your own, etc.

the reasons he wants a 20 year old are probably multi-fold.

first of all he's probably emotionally immature himself (by the sound of things), so girls his own age intimidate him ... also, girls that age are looking for commitment, and to start a family, as their biological clock is ticking, and he's probably not ready for that. the physical age difference between you may be 13 years, but mentally and emotionally it's probably a lot less ... if you're mature for your age you could be more like a 23 year old, and he sound very immature so might be more like a 25 year old ... so there's not much in it when you look at it that way.

also, young girls can be quite appealling, they're usually more innocent, haven't been messed around, and don't carry the baggage the older girls have (and use to blame the world for everything). they're also usually in better shape, slimmer, with 'everything in the right place', whereas older girls tend to get a little soft around the edges unless they work out and watch what they eat/drink.

younger girls tend to be less experienced, but enthusiastic about learning, it's appealing for an older guy to teach a young girl, she's a blank canvas - if you like.

the darker side is that older guys in particular probably feel that younger girls are easier to manipulate, the guy can behave how he likes and the girl has little frame of reference for what's supposed to be happening. it's not just a sexual thing, it's an emotional and mental thing. it's easier for the older guy to be in charge if he's seeing a younger girl, so he can call the shots.

generally speaking, at these sort of ages, it's a little inappropriate for an older guy to be seeing such a young girl (woman), due to the control/power his age brings him ... he should know better.

it's quite acceptable for a girl to want an older man, usually they need to do that to find someone of a similar maturity level, but 2 or 3 years is usually sufficient for that. an older man also has more experience, and so can be more 'fun' if you catch my drift, however beyond 5 years or so you start to encounter the social problems I mentioned above with the disparate life experience.

Answer 4

There is nothing wrong with the age difference. My wife and I are 12-1/2 years apart (I'm 46 and she's 33). That's no big deal.

The problem would be with his emotional instability. I'd worry about that instead of the age difference.

Why does he want a 20 year old? You should be asking "Why does he want you" instead. It is probably that he's attracted to you first, and your age just happens to be your age.

That being said, he seems rather controlling if he can't handle you going to the doctor. I'd end this relationship and find someone (no matter what the age) who is more stable.

EDIT: There are a few people here who need to brush up on their math skills.

SECOND EDIT: He sounds like a bum. End the relationship.

Answer 5

If you were 30 and he was 43, I would say absolutely nothing to you as the age difference isn't a big deal. But at 20, the only thing an older man is looking for is control. They can't control women their own age or women their own age want nothing to do with them so they turn to younger women - whom they view as more malleable. Beware. If he seems to be emotionally unstable then I would get myself out of that situation if I were you. My sister was 21 and her husband was 33 and when she finally left him, he hunted her down and killed her. He was unstable as well - didn't want her going anywhere without him, started separating her from her friends and family...BE CAREFUL. Red flags are waiving at you - take it as a sign.

Answer 6

He sounds pretty insecure...if he doesn't like you leaving for an appointment then it shows that he is very nervous and unsure of himself, which probably answers your question as to why he wants a 20 year old. Someone younger is "usually" (not always!!) easier to have control over, they tend to look up to older men and perhaps it's easier for him that way. Someone of his own age group might question him more and be more independent (financially, emotionally, etc.).....There are always exceptions and perhaps he just really loves you for who you are, but tread with caution, if he is really so insecure then you will end up getting hurt as it's impossible to get so close to someone and be happy until they work on their own issues first. I hope it works out :)

Answer 7

Well yes, a 13 year age differnce is quite a big difference. Just think: when he's in his fifties, you'll be in your thirties. And if he's that emotionally unstable, is this the man you want to be with for the rest of your life? Probably not. I'd really second-guess this and make sure this is what you want.

Answer 8

Besides the fact that he's pocessive Ill stick to the age question.
I think your able to make your own decision but a 33yo and a 20yo SHOULD be on very different pages in life. I am only26 but still couldnt relate well to a 20yo.
I dont think its wrong, I just cant imagine what there could be as far as common ground goes but a man trying to mold a young women with little real relationship experience and further more probably not all that sure of herself and dosent fully know what she wants in life yet, into what he wants her to be. And thats a women who thinks she has to answer to him for her every move. You dont need that crap and you dont have to settle for that. Thats not love, love is a partnership.

Answer 9

uhm. yeah. hes probably looking for a younger girl because hes a loser! no but for real. if he has a conniption when you leave to go somewhere thats really not that big of a deal, then maybe you need to talk to him about it. 33 and 20 is 13 years age difference, thats pretty big, so you might want to think about that. Its pretty much up to what your heart is telling you. If you think he loves you for who you are, then go with it. If your haveing second thoughts, you might want to re think being with him.

Answer 10

the age difference should be the last thing on your mind. The problem in your relationship is his instability - I would get out while I could. It could be though that his emotional immaturity means he's attracted to younger women - maybe they are more tolerant of immature behaviour. If it weren't for his instability I would say the age diff wouldn't matter if you have similar interests and attitudes.