I received this email from my son's teacher last night. I wish kids weren't so complicated sometimes.

Question

Dear Mrs. X, (me)
I'm sending you this note because your son has been hard to deal with for a
few days. When I try to talk to him and suggest that he needs to calm
down he just walks off as if nothing I say matters. Mr. XXXXXX is having
the same kind of response. We have a reward movie scheduled for this
Friday at 1pm. So far everyone is going to the movie in the cafeteria. I
don't want to take the movie from him, but he might leave me with no
choice. Your son seems to be mad right now and I don't know why. He simply
won't talk or listen to reason. He knows that I'm sending you this
message. We are getting ready to switch classes so I'll check with Mr. XXXXX
and see how his afternoon went later.
Mrs. XXXXXX

Any ideas on how to handle this situation.

So far the answers have been a little helpful. Some of you are asking for some details. My son and I have a good relationship and he is 11 years old. I like his teacher and she keeps me informed via email at my request. His grades aren't the worst, room for improvement, but not the worst (B's & C's). He was never one to be a "bad" kid either.

Answer 1

Oh my - this sounds almost identical to my son. He would get mad, stomp, leave while talking to him and so on. Unfortunately I did not take it seriously enough and it escalated quickly to calls home (or take him home) 2-4 days a week. He is 9 and has mild depression and is now speaking with the school counselor regularly and with an outside counselor weekly.

Another factor could be hormones, if he is 9 or older it could be starting and there is not much that can be done until he stops growing!

Talk to him (or try to) and see if he is angry or if there is something going on at school (school work to difficult or too easy, a bully, a girl?). I think the teachers are being responsible and caring for trying to work with him for a few days and then when they are not getting an acceptable response contacting you so you both can work with your son.

We could not get from our son what the problem was. Just that his classmates were "stupid" and the teachers were being unreasonable.

We still do not have a reason or why this started. Just that it did and we have to help him. Part of the help is a daily progress report with 4 items that relate to his behavior:
• I kept my hands, feet, legs and other body parts to myself.
• I was respectful to my teachers and my classmates by listening and responding to them in a normal tone of voice.
• I did not disrupt class by being loud or by throwing things.
• If I need to leave the classroom I asked my teachers and used the proper procedure to leave class.

Plus to 'short answer' questions to keep him thinking on improvement:
Today I did great at __________
I still need to work on _________

The 4 items are rated by him and his teacher on a 5 point scale -
1 - I could have done better today
2 - I didn’t do so good today
3 - I did OK today!
4 - I did a good job today!!
5 - I did a GREAT job today!!!

Starting at week one he needed to get 2 of the 4 items at a '3'. Week 2 he needed to get 2 of the 4 items at a '3' and 1 item at a '4'. Based on his daily score he earned TV and gaming time. If he was rated over the weekly goal (like getting all 4 items at '3') he earned extra time.

This helps us monitor his activity (and thus his mood/feelings) on a daily basis. If things start slipping we see it quickly and can try to find out what is bothering him.

But the strangest thing (to me) is we did not see significant improvement in him until I became "Drill Sergeant Mom" (after a conversation with school counselor). I have yelled at him more in the past 2 weeks than I had in probably 6 months (I don't like yelling). He gets zero slack - don't remember something, he should have written it down, etc. What I'm doing is opposite to how I feel a Mom should be (firm and consistent but calming and reassuring not "this is it, get it now because your not going to hear how to do this again"), but this is what he needs right now and he is responding POSITIVLY to it. No calls home for 2 weeks! BUT this is what my son needs. Each child is different.

Take care and good luck. It’s a tough road, but we’ll all get there.

Answer 2

Talk with your son. We had a similar issue with our son, he was acting out and throwing tantrums in class. We discovered some of it was actually caused by a bully, but our son didn't want to "tattle" on him.

The teacher started a reward program type thing just for him. Every day he brings home a notebook that tells us how he did that day. If he does well, he gets to do or have something special that his teacher arranges for him. If he continually does well without any slip ups for a month, he gets a big prize. We're still working on a full month of good behavior, it hasn't happened yet, but he has come close.

You may be surprised when you talk to your son, he may tell you things you never would have expected. He may also "clam up" and not be willing to tell you anything. With our son it was hard to believe at first that 1 kid was causing so many problems in school for him. But in reality once they were separated and the teacher started being informed of things involving those two - the behavior changed dramatically.

Answer 3

The note makes it seem as if this is a new problem - a difficulty encountered within the past "few days". The teacher states he is "mad right now". Children often find it difficult to articulate their feelings. Our job as adults is to help them learn to express themselves appropriately. You didn't state how old your son was or what your relationship with him is. Had I received this note, I would take my child aside and make his favorite snack. I would tell him about my day perhaps letting him in on how a co-worker annoyed me and how I just wanted to walk away and not talk anymore but that instead I took a deep breath and decided to amend the problem because avoiding it would have made matters worse. I would then ask him if he ever encountered a situation like that. I would tell him that his teacher is concerned about him and that his reward movie is at stake because unless you know what the problem is you can't help him resolve it. Let him know that you know it's hard to trust sometimes but that he can always trust you and tell you what's on his mind. Let him know that you are on his side no matter what.

I hope that helps.

Answer 4

Try talking to him to see why he's angry. If he won't open up to you, don't get upset. Sometimes, kids feel they can't talk to you about their problems, and so they need an outside opinion. My daughter sees the school counselor once a week, and a private therapist once a week. She's been through a lot of changes in the past year, and having someone outside the situation has certainly helped her. It's hard being a kid! Good luck!

Answer 5

It sounds like your son has something on his mind that he needs to talk about. Maybe you could sit down with him and try to find out what the problem is. It's great that the teacher is involving you in this situation... maybe your son needs to speak to a school counselor if he won't open up to you. Just an idea
Good luck
I hope you are able to work something out

Answer 6

It depends on the age of the child. My brother's had these similar problems when they were younger, and they had ADHD..not saying your child does, but it may be a possiblity you want to explore. Also, If they are really young then that is to be expected. Some teachers are newly out of college and think that a 5 year old child should be able to sit still for a whole hour! (we had that similar problem with our niece), so use your best judgement as to if it really id the child or perhaps the staff.

Answer 7

Talk to him. Maybe there is something more going on that you and the teacher dont know about. There is definitley something up. When I used to get that way it was cause something was pissing me off and I was working it through in my head. A hug never hurts....and ask him about whats going on. Somrtimes its that he just doenst like a prticular teacher....or maybe he is having a hard time with the classes and feels embarassed. Only he knows so you will have to talk to him and find out what the root of the problem is.

Answer 8

I would thank the teacher for letting me know and I would encourage her to handle it at school - maybe he needs to miss the movie to learn. But I would also handle it at home. My kids are not permitted to disrespect authority - that doesn't mean they can't disagree or have a different point of view, but it must be done in a respectful way. Your son needs to learn how to properly communicate his feelings - not just walking off in silence. Talk to your son and see what's going on. Also ask the teachers to keep you posted on how your son is doing.

Answer 9

Take him to a dr. and have him evaluated for ADHD this was a serious problem we had with one of our boys he probably has more referrals than a 12th grader because they wont diagnose any kid under the age of 7 and if he has ADHD you and the teachers are punishing him for something he can not help my son is doing fine now that we know what it is and how to control it. I hope it helps

Answer 10

Obviously you have to talk to your son.
You might have a good relationship with him but that doesn't mean he can't go through issues without you knowing about them - lots of kids at that age tend to stop talking to their parents about things on their own, so you may have to encourage him a bit.
This could be a puberty thing that he's going through as well.
If he totally refuses to talk and he continues the behaviour at school, then allow teacher to take away his movie time so he learns that there are consequences to his actions.