Wedding guest list woes!?

Question

Can anyone offer any advice. We are getting married in August and as with many people are trying to keep our guest list down to around 100 (we have just recently moved into a new home and have 2 kids). My partners parents are insisting that they invite six of their friends to travel with them to the wedding in Ireland (I have never met these people!). I come from a fairly large family in Ireland and my partner comes from a very small family in Sussex, and I feel I am been penalised for having such a large family, half of whom I cannot invite due to budget constraints. As it goes my lovely inlaws have verbally invited these people even though we have not yet finalised our wedding guest list. I am so angry at this and feel that I am being rail roaded into what they want. Being the bride I thought it is up to me who attends...can anyone offer any solutions as to how I handle this ? My lovely hubby to be is standing well back on this one........

D

Answer 1

Dear parents of my husband to be,

I was thrilled to hear that you had invited six of your friends to come to our wedding in Ireland.

Unfortunately, because we have a very limited budget, we are forced to keep our guest list down to a minimum number, and these friends of yours were not originally on the list.

Enclosed is a list of family members on your side of the family we were planning to invite. Could you please indicate which six should be removed to make room for your friends? And please let us know by (insert date) so we can get our guest list finalized and our invitations out.

Please tell your friends that we are registered at (name stores) since I am sure they will want to send appropriate gifts.

Looking forward to seeing all of you in Ireland....

Answer 2

First, it is not all up to you just because you're the bride. You're united two families here, and not taking any of them into consideration would be a very bad first step.

That said, it is unreasonable of them to verbally invite people that you don't even know. Explain to them that your number one rule is that only people you both know will be attending the wedding, and that these friends will not be receiving formal invitations. If they persist in extending verbal invitations, they will look very silly indeed. And do NOT let your fiance stand back on this one. They're HIS parents, he needs to address this.

The guest list should ideally be even, meaning that an equal number of guests are for your family as for his. But this is not a hard and fast rule. If you have a large family and your fiance has a small one, and he agrees, it is perfectly acceptible for you to have more guests...but not all the guests. If you're inviting 90 and he gets 10, that isn't fair no matter how large your family is.

Perhaps you could suggest that his parents throw a post-wedding reception in Sussex sometime after the wedding, and they can plan it however they want.

Edit: I love Uncle Jo's suggestion! If they're adament about the six, ask them which other six they want removed to accomodate them!

Answer 3

I think you need to speak to your partner. Who are these friends? Are they old family friends? In which case you might find that in a small family they've acted like aunts and uncles so should be invited. But if they are just recent freinds fo your in-laws then no you will have to tactfully uninvite them. The caveat here if course is if your in-laws are paying anything towards the wedding, if so then I can understand them wanting peopel they care about around them in the face of your huge family.

I suggest you and your partner sit down and make a list together. Be very strict with yourselves - agree the cut off point. Is it aunts and uncles, grandparents or do you go as far as second cousins and great aunt whotsit. With friends too - how close do you allow? Work colleagues no but uni friends yes? Then when you and him are happy with the list and think it is fair let your parents have a look at it and make suggestions. If they are contibuting to the wedding allow them to make some changes, if not then I think suggestions is all. When your prospective in laws see the list they might realise that other people are just a burden.

One ord of caution. It is your day, if you want your friends there then risk putting some relatives nose out of joint ot ensure that you can have the people you really care about and that care about you around you. My mum and I fell out about this when I got married 10 years ago - she comes from a large family. Now I have distant realtives who tell me how gorgeous my wedding day was and they have forgetten they weren't invited!

Answer 4

Oh how this takes me back to my wedding. I married a Greek and we had a Greek wedding, I had about 20 guests, he had about 350. i hardly knew anyone at my wedding and I found it really awful. We didn't even have control over the guest list, his parents invited everyone, regardless of how we felt. i only invited those in my family I was close to, not third cousins twice removed!!!! I Didn't have a choice about the church or the reception venue either, it was a nightmare.

Just let it go with the 6 people, but draw the line there, make sure you say how you feel about it so they don't carry on verbally inviting people. Don't let it spoil your day though, I did and I still go on about it 18 months later. I'm pregnant now and th in laws are already planning the baptism.....give me strength!!!!

Have a great wedding, it will be wonderful, so you have 6 more people, don't worry just enjoy!!!!

Answer 5

Something else to consider is that usually only about 75% of your guest list will come. So that might help...

I looked at my potential guest list and counted the people who I knew were definitely coming, and I did not count the ones who definitely weren't (like my dads brother and his 3 kids) and that way you can get an approximate number, and then still invite others.

For example, you might invite 75 from your side, but if you know that only 50 of those 75 will come, then you're all set on your half of the guest list, and you've invited everyone, but won't go over.

Answer 6

If you are paying for the wedding yourself, you are entitled to invite or not invite whomever you please. Don't let anyone railroad you into something you don't want and can't afford. But I'm wondering if you can cut costs somewhere so that you can have more guests? Is it a sit down or buffet dinner? If sit down, switch to buffet. I know that Irish and British people are very formal and that is usually where a lot of the expenses will come in but you will have to decide which is more important, having the "plush and formal" wedding or having your family there to share in your day? Good luck.

Answer 7

If your partner's parents want to invite some people to visit Ireland that's fine. Let them know that the friends will not be included in your wedding invitations.

If they are willing to share in the expense of the wedding, that's a different story. However, once you open that door you can expect the mother especially to want to have a say in how things are run.

It would be better if you and he could sit down and agree on how you want your day to be planned and then sit down with both sets of parents.

Watch your tone of voice and your choice of words.

Answer 8

Your in-laws are free to invite whomever they like to travel with them.

However, if their guests aren't invited to the wedding, they'll just have to find something else to do for that day of the vacation. It's your guest list, not theirs (unless they're paying for the wedding, which brings in other conflicts!).

Your in-laws should not be starting off the new family relationship by trying to bulldoze you into extra expenses. Ask them flat out if they want to be starting things off on this foot.

P.S. Make sure the husband is on board with you. Standing back sends mixed messages to you and to his parents -- sometimes he actually has to choose, sad as it is.

Answer 9

Well its fine that they have friends travel with but that doesnt mean they have to attend the wedding. You have to verbalize that they cannot come. You are on a strict budget and only they will be attending the wedding. I know its not easy & you dont have to be a ***** about it, but it is your wedding and you cannot be told who will be there. Its your day. Dont let people run over you, this is just the begining. Stand your ground

Answer 10

Hi it is your wedding and you do say who goes and who dosnt. I would put your foot down and tell them that you cannot afford for them to go especially that you dont even know them as well, why would they even want to go. Im getting married this year so I know where you are coming from. I would tell your parents usless they are willing to pay for there own seat at the wedding reception then they cant come. It is diffifcult and most of the time people do spit out there summy and winge but I just think its them being selfish, as they dont realise how much the cost is and there getting everything free for the day and you or your parents have to pay for it.

I had this trouble with my fiances anutie she wanted to bring her boyfriends and his kids along as well as her kids we dont even know him or his kids and I was thinking to my self what do they think it is a family day out. So I just invited two of there kids and she said she wasnt going to come because i didnt invite the other so I just said fine.

So just let your parents know unless they are going to pay for there own seat they aint coming and if they wont listen ring the people your self and tell them and just say sorry for any inconvienience but there is a limit to numbers and all the places have been filled.