After 12 years of verbal abuse, I left. It has been a year Where do I go from here?

Question

He was good when he was sober, but when he drank he became abusive. It has been a year since I left, and I am finding it hard to leave the house. I just don't know how to move on. Any suggestions? I am really getting lonely. I lost alot of friends because of leaving him. They just did not know what he was like at home. He was never abusive in public, but he drank much more when he was home. I enjoy having a few drinks, but I hate to argue. I just could not take it any more.

Answer 1

((((BIG HUGS))))) I know how it feels. Trust me. But now the world is yours. A year has shown that you have great strength and for that I applaud you. NOT falling back into the relationship, or tripping into another like it, is so darn HEALTHY!!! Now, what does one do when they find it hard to leave the house. Hmmmm, I know....lol Open the door, and put one foot in front of the other.........and soon you'll be walking out the door. Okay, so it's the old Xmas song. lol. But it's great advice. Move it girl. There is soooooooooooo much out there for you. A walk can make a person feel great. Along the way, look around, see the beauty before you. Take up a hobby, don't let fear or shyness stop ya. Laugh, smile, sing...........lalala. It's all a matter of deciding what you want to do. The mourning period is over. Now it's YOUR time. Find something to make you happy on the outside. Don't worry about the lonliness of not having a partner to share it with, for now. Believe me, eventually while doing something, anything, there is bound to be people who notice and want to join or share. Doesn't have to be a man. Could be a friend. So, the world is your oyster. Now go for it. Good luck.

Answer 2

If you're having a hard time leaving the house, you may be depressed. You can take an online depression test first, but then I would go see a doctor. You may have low thyroid or something that's fixable. I would also suggest that you join a support group for women who are abused, so you know people who have gone through the same thing. You can also volunteer at a domestic violence shelter, so you can share your strength with others. You can make new friends by joining a house of worship. I really wish you luck!

Answer 3

One person mentioned seeking out a support group, which is great advice. Not only could you find support for yourself, but also you might provide a huge amount of support for others.

While I myself haven’t undergone what you have…my g/f had through 7+ years of dating and marriage with a verbally, mentally and physically abusive alcoholic. Many of her friends (most of which were his to begin with) whom she lost never believed her…although now years later they are beginning to.

She also spent a good year or so searching for who she is, and for those whom she felt she could reach out to. Fortunately, for her, her family was a great support for her, but even years later she still hasn’t told them everything that she was put through by him. It was the help of friends that she could trust which made the difference for her.

Based on that…I offer this for your consideration.

While I think there have been many good answers, here...and they also focus on the good you have done for yourself in leaving the abusive alcoholic...there is one thing I haven't seen touched on much if at all.

Often in such situations, a person represses themselves for the purposes of self-protection, avoiding existing issue(s), and avoiding creating new ones.

Given the lack of support from past friends, you may be feeling a general disconnection to the people around you simply because you think they will not understand...and without there being anyone else to turn to...you would feel even more alone.

If you think this might be the case for yourself...I'd suggest considering to obtain some counseling. Whether being counseled by a professional or from a remaining close friend (who won’t try to defend him to you)…being able to discuss freely your thoughts and feelings about everything you endured will help you greatly to overcome this.

And when things do feel too difficult…one thing to remember, you’ve already taken the hardest step…you realized what was happening and got out of the relationship!

Answer 4

The friends that you lost through leaving him were not your friends to begin with! You will meet new people and find good friends without him! Talk to the people that you work with, hang out once in a while. What interests you? Art, books, movies? Check your newspaper, there are groups to join for all that interest you!!! Put yourself out there(not in bars), you'll find people that interest you by joining groups that you have an interest in!!!

Answer 5

Leaving was a great thing, you did right.

Relax. Join a fittness club, martial arts, or something that will get you physically active so you can get your endorphs up and be happy. You deserve to be happy.