My boyfriend's dad is dying but his mum is driving me crazy. How do I deal with this?

Question

I've been with my bf for 2 years; we lived together with friends at Uni and then lived with his parents for six months before going travelling. 2 weeks into our trip his dad was diagnosed as terminally ill, so I flew home with him and cancelled our trip.

Before the trip and his dad's illness I had trouble getting along with his mum (although no arguments though), as she emotionally blackmailed my bf quite regularly and we have nothing in common. He found this hard to cope with too.

Now though, we are back and I'm trying my very best to cope with his mum. I've baked her cakes, cooked her dinner most nights, and stayed with them at the hospital. However I still get the feeling she's making digs at me, and she's never grateful for the help (although she is to other people). She needs constant companionship from my bf and is unable to cope with anything alone.

I can't leave as I love my bf and will support him. But how do I accept his mum and stop this tearing us apart?

Answer 1

Now is not the time to have any type of confrontation with the mother, if you love your boyfriend then right now he will need someone to talk to and confide in about his fears of losing his dad.

What you can expect is him spending time with his father and mother, it is not an easy time for either of them, it may feel as you are the punching bag right now with the digs his mother makes but ignore it for the time being if your boyfriend loves you like you love him than more than likely he is listening to his mom but not joining in.

To his mother you may just be a distraction (giving her something else to focus on) rather than accepting losing her husband.

This will not get better once the husband passes it may get worse, but after he passes will be the time to deal with it. Not the same day as the funeral either.

Answer 2

Is your boyfriend an only child or does he have siblings? If he is an only child, you have to expect his mom to lean on him especially if she has no brothers or sisters around to help her through this time.

Please keep in mind that if your bf's dad was diagnosed recently with no previous problems, his mom must be in a state of shock. This is her life partner and she has to feel like she is losing her world.

The fact that she doesn't express her gratitude to you may be because she accepts you as family. Although it is unfortunate, people in general sometimes forget to thank the people that are part of their daily lives, those people that do the most for them but are taken for granted.

As hard as it may be, this is a period of time when you have to find the strength to appreciate the woman who carried and gave birth to the person that you love. If your bf's parents are relatively young, under 70, please try to imagine what you would be feeling if this was happening to your bf and yourself, instead of his dad and mom.

Now more than ever he needs to know that he has your support and love. And it is possible that she needs to know that you are willing to extend that support and love to her. Being left alone in this world can be a very scary feeling and it may be she is just scared of the future without her lifemate.

Keep trying as you have been to help with the cooking and daily chores and know that even if she never acknowledges your efforts and thanks you for them, you will never have to carry anything but the knowledge that you did all you could to be loving and supportive.

Although it may not seem like much now, years down the road you will be glad that you did all that was possible. You will never have an opportunity to "undo" any action or word that is done or said now. Stay strong for your bf, yourself and your future.

It may also be extremely helpful if you can find a vacant building, or a big field or any unpopulated area and go there and scream at the top of your lungs.......a great stress relief.

It's possible you may never be able to accept his mum but now is not the time to make that decision. Emotions all around must be extremely high. If your boyfriend is the kind of man you would want to be with, he has to be there for his mom now. I don't think you would want to be with a man that could turn his back on someone he loved when they needed support as much as his mother does at this time.

Good Luck and stay strong.

Answer 3

Your efforts are admirable. I hope your boyfriend sees this... but now he is not in the right frame of mind to see anything clearly. You should hang in there at this time he really needs you. Maybe his mom was against your relationship because you weren't married and were living together. Whatever the case now is a bad time. If later down the road... he must put you first. Even the Bible teaches that a man shall leave his parents... My sons father is 39 and still living with his parents...it's heartbreaking -but your guy has been living with you already, so there's hope. God Bless.

Answer 4

this is a tricky situation - you want to be considerate of the mom's and bf's feelings and you don't want to look as if you feel like what you are dealing with is as bad as what they are dealing with. what's bad is that mom likely realizes this and she is manipulating the situation. i would pull your bf aside and gently explain that you know he and his mom are going thru an extremely difficult time, but the way your mom deliberately ignores your kindness and help while acknowledging others' is hurtful to you. hopefully by being tactful and sensitive, your bf will be in your corner and will bring it up to mom - maybe even ask him to bring it up as if he has noticed it - she might take it better that way. he could say something like, "mom, it seems like you haven't really thanked for all she's been doing lately . . ." - anyway, good luck and just remember what goes around comes around and the universe will not forget how kind you are being to this woman and her family, even if she does.

Answer 5

After being with my partner for 11 years, we have 2 children, my mother-in-law kept sticking her nose in and everything I asked her not to do she did just to get under my skin. Finally my partner got some balls and told her to back off. Now she has carried on and told everyone I have brainwashed her son. She told him that I cheated on him 9 years ago. My advise is not to let it go on. Talk to your partner about it wether the father is sick or not there is no excuse to treat someone like ****. Don't let her walk all over you, I did and I wish now I stood up to her in the begining.

Answer 6

Tell ur bf hell understand she mightnot want u around her son she might not think u worthy or doesnt want to see her boy grow up

Answer 7

Tell your boyfriend to have some backbone! He should stand up for you, your boyfriend should love you enough to just tell his mother that he actually 'really likes this one' and that his mother should stay out of his buisness... HOPEFULLY he's not a mama's boy. ;)

Answer 8

just be there for him all the way it dont matter if she tries to stop u love cant be stopped

Answer 9

you should take this easy with his mom if the dad is sick or ill.
Take it easy!!!