What is there i can do..?

Question

My boyfriend has pulled away from me, he has become distant with me due to work stress and problems. He works full-time and during his free time during evenings, he looks for a new job. He has had few interviews, some near my city but he has not been accepted anywhere yet. He is still waiting for some answers. He is unhappy with his current job and hates it. He told me on Saturday he is not feeling well about it. I am worrying about this and I am sad worrying that he is loosing interest in our relationship as he has not been attentive and I don't hear from him much? What can I do?

Answer 1

The correct answer is: Leave him be.

Shocking, I know, but it's true. It's only natural that you want to help him, but that won't do much for his self-esteem. So, if you want to support him, here's a few tips:

1. Don't Panic!

This is very important. Most women tend to start panicking when men get distant, even if it's natural. The worst thing you can do is to try to force him to get close when he's trying to focus on himself. Really, your intentions are good, but the message you send him translates into: You aren't good enough.

Stay calm, and don't try to force closeness. That's one of the worst things you can do right now. Men tend to resent being forced into things anyways, but especially when they're focused on their problems. Just remember that you can't let your fears make you do something that makes him even more distant.

Also, when he says he's 'fine', leave it be. Yes, you know that he's not really 'fine', but what he means is that he doesn't need anyone's help right now. Just trust him, and things will be fine.

2. Belittle the problem. Say things like, "You can handle it.", "I know you'll get a better job.", and, "Your boss is an idiot who wouldn't know a good worker if he had God himself pointing them out."

Basically, make him feel good about himself, and his ability to solve the problem. You have to tell him that you trust him, and that you trust that he can find a way to solve his problems.

3. Give him some time. He's lost focus on the relationship because he's overwhelmed with the problem. What you have to understand that his problem isn't what's troubling him. What's bothering him is his inability to fix the problem. It's important for him to be able to solve his own problems. Since his problem doesn't have a quick fix, he's probably finding ways to forget about it. You'll probably find him playing games, or watching sports, or any of a million other things.

Although, this can work in your favor. If he does have a specific hobby or interest, you might want to treat him to it. Like a car show, or tickets to a game. Just make sure you don't pressure him into it, or surprise him with it. Ask him if he'd be interested first. The key is to help distract him from his worries.

However, he might not go for that idea. It's important for you to respect his decision. Applying pressure, no matter then intention, will always have the opposite effect intended. And that would be very bad.

4. Make him feel good about himself. This is very important since he's probably not feeling so hot right about now. He's probably feeling as bad as you would feel if you were having a long series of problems with some close friends. (Yeah, seems strange, but he's a guy after all.)

So, you can really help by subtle reminders. Saying things like "You're such a great boyfriend" would be good. Also, it pays to say how much you appreciate what he does, even if it's just listening to you talk. (This is important for you to do *all* the time, let me tell you. Heh.)

Just remember that the word is 'subtle'. If you overdo it, then it stops making him feel good, and it starts to make him think that you think less of him. So, don't overdo it.

5. Don't hold it against him!
"Hold what against him?" you ask. The fact that he's become distant. That's what. Women do it all the time. A man goes off to sort through his problems, and when he gets done (or sometimes before!) he comes back to find his girlfriend/wife getting all upset because she feels ignored.

He's just doing what guys do when they feel overwhelmed by a problem. He'll be doing it for the rest of his life, so getting used to it is a good thing. (At least he told you what the problem is. Often, men don't even tell their girlfriends/wives that much.) This is just what men do.

Spend some time letting it go. Remember that he still cares, that he's not upset with you, and that he's trying to deal with his own issues. And remember to do so when it happens again, because it will happen again.

Nor should you get upset with yourself. This isn't anyone's fault, it's just the way things are. You'll only end up making yourself miserable.

6. Spend some time by yourself or with friends. You heard me. Go shopping, or invite your friends over. Do whatever it is you like to do. Spend time pampering yourself.

I'm not saying that you become unavailable to him. What I'm saying is for you to take some time for yourself right now. When he needs you, he'll come get you. This is mostly to keep yourself from going crazy, but it also helps him do what he needs to do.

That's all I can say, really. Keep the above points in mind, adjust them to fit your boyfriend and yourself, and have a little faith. Things will get better, it's fairly certain. And if not? Well, you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

Answer 2

All this stuff is very normal. Don't worry because only 1% of our worries comes true. When men get stressed they can't think of anything else until its resolved. Give him time and tell him you are praying for him or rooting for him and ask him if there is something you can do, like fax his resume to companies etc while he is at work or while you have the time. Give the man a chance, stress for men is very high because a man can even have sex if he is that stressed out. Pray he finds a job and go from there, remember to ask him what you can do like scan the newspapers and write down numbers he can call. He wants the relationship, he just has himself is such a dither that he can't think about anything else, this stress is up there the same as stress you have when a loved one dies. I hope this helped, take care Heather

Answer 3

If you want to rule out the possibility that he has someone else, consider this: While he is preoccupied with finding a job, you have to give him as much encouragement as possible. Some men define themselves by their work. If he is unhappy at work and he is unable to find another job, he probably feels badly about himself. I'm sorry that he cannot give you the attention you deserve, but how can he when he is struggling to find his place in the world? If you really love him, be patient and save some kind words for him. Good luck.

Answer 4

At least you don't live together.
He has allot on him mind and for males this amount of stress is hard on us and we shut down into a ball to ride it out, so just be there for him, keep in some contact but just give him time, cause only time will tell.

Answer 5

Try to spend time with him. Make it romantic, go for a long walk, have dinner, go to the movies, or take a break and go on a vacation to clear his and your head. Try to feel relaxed because it will help. It's tough when your really stressed because things can go wrong. good luck :)

Answer 6

if that is the only source of his unhappiness, i would say help him in his job search. if thats it, hopefully he can get a new job and be happy and get back on making u guys work... if not, i hope that u two can find a way to make it work.

Answer 7

find a new man he is using his job as an excuse of why he cant call. obviously there is something else that is taking up his time sorry things are going the way they are hope everything turns out happy for you