its over for good?

Question

my wife and i have just had another blazing row over her kids,my stepkids,thats about the 15th since xmas.we've tried to talk and sort it out numerous times,it just doesnt last.they are rude, ignorant,arrogant and disrespectful.my wifes talked to them numerous times but they dont listen.i've got in touch with the estate agents to arrange a valuation as none of us can carry on like this.i love her so much but its not enough to save us.has anyone else been through the same situation and did it work or fail for you.theres nothing else i can give to this relationship,i'm just constantly being s##t on from a great height.

if you feel you can stand a depressing chat e-mail me

the kids are 15 and 12.ive been there for them for 7 years.as for the other parent hes as abusive as the kids.theres no way round this we've tried it all

to lizard,never asked to be called dad,i'm not an only child,and there father had affairs and beat there mother

they both go to private school,there fathers rich.the eldests in counselling already.they've had a privileged upbringing so maybe i'm not god enough.we've tried boundaries,they ignore them

Answer 1

I am deeply ashamed to say that I think my attitude split up my mum and her partner while I was a teenager (and my sister helped, although she is 10 years older than me).

I can also say that once I'd grown up, left home to go to Uni and come back to visit, everything was completely different. I was the youngest and once I'd gone I could see my mum was on her own.

Depending on how old the kids are, and how long you can actually hang on in there for, is whether you decide to stay or not. If they are still young, they are going to act like that for years. If they are not far off leaving, even if it's just for Uni, then it could be about to get a lot easier for you.

Answer 2

I'm so sorry to here of the situation that you find yourself in. First I've not read the other answers received so far so if I repeat any suggestions SORRY.

Looking at this situation objectively, you should never sacrifice a good relationship because of the interjections of others.

You should be wholly commended for taking on these children. You should not however take on the blame for the children's obvious scars.

Children display their emotional status through their behavior, thus inappropriate behavior should always be viewed as a cry for help, as your step-children are already engaged in therapy my advise to you would be to try to give this a chance to work.

You should however make some time for you and your wife to get away for a few days and use this time to pamper each other, you certainly deserve and need it.

When dealing with a particular issue with one/or both of the children, one of the most important things that is often overlooked is the timing of the talk.

In my experience, I have found that if one of my children does something particularly naughty [my children are of similar ages to yours] I often take time to think about the problem [sometimes over a couple of days]. I find that this method helps me to be in the right frame of mind when I talk to them, as I am not acting instinctively and displaying anger.

As you undoubtedly know children only hear the anger and not the words, so if your calm they will take on board more of what you say.

Also I try to break-up the problem into smaller [more digestible] chunks. A good way to get children to listen is to tell them of the consequences [of their actions - if continued], give them the options that will inevitably arise if they choose a positive cause of action vis a vis a negative one. This way you are making them responsible for both possible outcomes.

Giving someone the power is always a good one.

Finally, you must separate the children's behavior from your relationship. The children must see a united front, they must know that whatever they do you and their mother will be there for them.

GOOD LUCK

Answer 3

Sounds as though some family counselling might help and that you should have the children evaluated.
Maybe they've been through some very difficult times and need help to get sorted out.
Don't be ready to give up if you truly love your wife and what a tough position this puts her in.Stuck in the middle between you and her children. Love truly does conquer a lot but sometimes it takes a lot of very hard work.
Are the children in school and if so,how do they do there? Do they get along ok?
She has to be tough with them and make them mind and they need to know they have to respect the both of you. She needs to put up boundaries and stick to them no matter how difficult it may be.Stay firm and let them know you mean what you say.
I would seriously consider counselling.Maybe start by the two of you going and then including the children.Sounds as though they really need help and how fulfilling it would be to you to see that accomplished one day.
I wish all of you the best and may God Bless.

Answer 4

I feel for you and your wife. It sounds like the kids need some help, maybe counseling. I am guessing that they are having some issues and that is to be understood when mom marries someone other than dad. I am going through a divorce right now and my daughter is having some real troubles with the fact that her dad and I won't be together anymore. Giving up on your relationship is only going to hurt them worse, I fear. If counseling doesn't work maybe it is time to get the other biological parent involved to help out.

Answer 5

Aww i am sorry you are having a crappy time , kids put a great strain on a marriage and especially if they are cheeky , ignorant and arrogant .. i know lol mine are the very same ! The kids get my hubby down at times as he feels we talk to ourselves continuosly , its like farting against thunder with them but i hope you and your good woman can get back on track . How old are the horrors ?

Well all i can say if you feel its really over you only live once and you have every right to be happy in your life , you`re still young and theres plenty time to find happiness again ..

Answer 6

In a similar situation, almost left for good this weekend! Managed to talk things through this time. If u cant talk it out then i suggest family counselling which my husband and i have agreed to do if things get bad again. Good luck, I hope u can work things out.

Answer 7

I can tell you from the step kid angle!In short they are threaten by you, what your wife should tell them is she give you up to make them happy but they have to stay with her all the time. Secondly don't get them to call you Dad, you are not & never will be. But your wife has to give you more support in front of them. is she feeling guilty? How did she split up from their Dad?Is your way of how kids should behave different? Are you an only child? Dare I say it family counselling? Good luck as nothing is worse that the feeling when your relationship is going wrong.
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))Maybe they blame you or their mother for the father missing out. I thought my Dad was perfect, was nasty to my step dad. then one day I found out why my parents had really split up - all my Dad's fault. Yet my mum or even when sorely tested my step dad never told me. Speak to them on their own, each one. Or even better speak to them how they speak to you - get even - make you feel better!

Answer 8

My son spent several years trying to split my husband and me up - my husband is his stepdad. It didn't work and in the end my son left home. I don't know how old the kids are that you are having to deal with, but my only advice really would be to hang in there, they will leave home eventually and then you and your wife can get on with your life.

Hope this helps. Whatever you decide, good luck.

Answer 9

i have 3 children, they will always go first. children would always go first for any woman. so if u have any difficulties with woman's kids try to find an old spinster without any children. also a wealthy one would be good. u don't need to worry about money.

Answer 10

try seeing a tharapist, you and your wife. as for your kids; try a school consuling program. if that doesn't work then there is always military school.