My son has been taking TaeKwonDo for a while now. He enjoys it, but we've hit a snag...can some help?

Question

As far as learning form and technique, he's having no trouble at all. He can remember forms, different stances and movements. He enjoys sparring, and can't wait to get to class every day. He eagerly puts on his sparring gear, walks up proudly to face his opponent in these little practices they have...then it happens...

He gets kicked in the stomach, or in the face, or in the side because he isn't quite aggressive enough. He's very passive, and seems to lack self confidence. Once the realization comes that he got hit (painful or not) he starts crying and begins cowering away from his opponent.

The teacher addresses this, naturally by telling him to stop crying and fight back...hard! He reminds him that if he's attacked on the street by someone who wants to beat him senseless and take his wallet, that his attacker will not care if he starts crying, nor take pity on him.

My son is eleven, and he's so ashamed of his frequent crying . Any advice to help him stop when he gets kicked?

Answer 1

I instruct 70-100 kids at the school I train at. This is common especially for a student this age. What do you do when he starts to cry? he really needs your support when he starts to cry encourage him to get back in there and tell him that he can do it. If he really likes the art one day it will just click. he will come out and fight hard and not care if he gets hit. You will be amazed when this happens he will be a totally different person. He will go from a kid who likes Taekwondo to a martial artist. It just takes time.

I have to ask this also, is he hurt from the contact or is he panicing because he does not know how to react. Get him used to the contact and let him know he is not going to get hurt and the pain will go away.

My daughter started training a few months ago and loves it. She is only 6. She has played softball and was afraid of the ball. I threw the ball at her and she felt the pain. ( I didn't throw it that hard.) She got over it when she realized it was only going to hurt for a few seconds. She now loves it.

It will just take time. Keep training!

Answer 2

First of all, try to figure out why he starts crying. It sounds like he cries not because he's hurt, but for some other reason. My guess is that, similar to what the above writer says, he is shocked and frozen and doesn't know what else to do. Crying is the only way to get out of the situation, embarrassing as it might be.

Here is what I would suggest: the next time he starts crying in class, if you can, stop the sparring right away. Get him to stop crying. Then, with his partner, analyze the movements that just happened, and help him think about a corresponding counter-move. Have the two practice this for awhile. Then move on. Repeat. If you can't do this in class, maybe set up a play date or work on this kind of thing after class. In addition, have him work on one basic move with which he can always start the sparring "session..." so that he can be the FIRST one to strike. Just work on ONE.

Basically, telling your child to stop crying, fight back and be more aggressive means nothing to him because they are not concrete enough for an 11-year-old. It sounds like he doesn't know HOW, so he needs to given concrete suggestions. Try to think of the forms, stances and movements as letters and basic words in the alphabet, which your son is learning well. However, he is having trouble "forming sentences," thinking spontaneously, and APPLYING what he has learned.

You know, not everyone is made for sparring. Some people do very well at just memorizing forms and stances and movements. Don't pressure him, but do send the message that you have confidence in him and expect him to succeed. Praise him, tell him how proud you are of him for even making the effort, and really... in the big picture, it's great that he thinks TKD is fun... that's the take-home message that you want him to keep. So what if he cries a little bit? As long as he enjoys it overall, then he should keep on doing it, and it will toughen him up in the long run.

Answer 3

Every child manages pain and confrontation differently. Your son may learn ways to channel his energy more effectively. He needs to build his confidence over time. It sounds like perhaps he has not been training too long yet. He's a boy that is finding his mandhood. He may be getting frustrated more so than hurt form these contacts in sparring. He may be very competitive. Praise don't scold.

Support him, praise him when he shows courage and confidence. Help him build his self esteem as well. Tell him how good he is at his martial art, how well he kicks and punches. Offer little incentives to him... I'll buy ice cream if you beat your next opponent etc... Use incentives that work for him video games, trip to the local fun park, batting cages etc...

Not all kids take to full contact sports but overtime your son may learn how to manage the pain and feel the rush of winning. But he has to take the bumps along the way, it's part of the sport.

Really praise him over the top if he takes a kick and it doesn't stun him. Pain is mental as much as it is physical he may simply need to learn to work through his emotions and impression of pain. Give him time and support his efforts.

Good luck.

KK

Answer 4

Stop going to that instructor, he is not a good one. To be good at something you must first know when and where to attack, simply put you must learn the fundamentals, and not just be thrown into sparring. Also it is wrong to go hard contact when sparring either way, you can still get hurt just as easily with sparring equipment than you can with out them.

I had an instructor like this when I was training in BJJ, when someone applied a Kimora on me and I tried to tap out so that we could get back to grappling, the guy wouldnt let go, I kept tapping and he kept applying it. Finally I told him to get the **** off of me and I punched him in his rib cage as hard as I could. He couldnt continue and neither could I because my forearm was almost broken.

The instructor did nothing, and since then I havent returned because I dont want to be in a place where stupid **** like this happens. You son needs to know the ups and downs of sparring in either kind of martial art, and also needs to know the fundamentals first. Part of how he will learn the fundamentals is by sparring, but sparring is intended to learn how to control your self and learn how to execute an attack. So by sparring hard against an opponent who doesnt know all the fundamentals yet, he is bound to get hurt permanently.

He will get hurt physically, could even be serious, and also his self confidence can continue to decline until he no longer wants to do it and gives up on it, then comes him thinking its okay to give up on everything. Another thing that can happen is he takes what he knows and applies it on kids in school because watching them cry makes up for him crying, or he can just loose it and in a fit of rage attack his sparring partner with too much force and he will be the one seriously injuring someone, then he will be kicked out.

The best advice I have is to walk away from that training place and start knew with someone that works well with kids and has more experience teaching. It sounds like this guy doesnt have either one, move on before its too late.

Answer 5

teach him NOT to get kicked.

I would suggest putting him in a more aggressive art like boxing.

TKD is not known for high levels of contact during sparring.

This leads to one of two conclusions:

A- you have found a hardcore tkd gym where they train full contact with combos counter punching and strikes to the head with the fists and strikes to the supporting leg. Odds are this is not the case if it took an 11 yr old as a student.

Or

B- your kid is at a stage in his life where he is not mature enough to deal with hitting and getting hit, or he is a complete pansy.

Unfortunately I'm not a child psycologist I don't know what the effect of withdrawing him from class at this point would be. It could make him a total mental and physical pushover in that he is told that he should just avoid difficult situations and difficult decisions and not face his problems.

Boxing training will make him more aggressive. of course what boxing teaches, is against the rules in TKD as you can't strike the face with your fist. Your kid might be able to nullify a good amount of his opponents attacks by charging in, but it is illegal- maybe if you want to give him an ego boost- tell him to do it anyway the first time. He will get in trouble for it, but he might feel better about himself.

As I said I'm no child psycologist.

Answer 6

Are there other things that he does that are a little scary, like riding a bike or skiing or anything like that? If so, how does he react to fear when he's doing those types of activities? If he only cries when sparring in TaeKwonDo, then it might help to relate that fear to times when he acts brave and try to determine what the diffence is.

I trained in Kung Fu, and I remember that when I first started sparring and would get hit in front of the class I felt more embarrassment, and often shock, than pain. Maybe what he's dealing with isn't actually a reaction to the pain, but some other factor.

I'm sure with your support, and help from him instructor, his confidence will continue to improve and with that his fear will subside.

Answer 7

Maybe taekwondo isn't for him?
Some people flinch or reel back from quick/harmful physical contact, your child just might have this problem.

You can also tell him that instead of crying try to channel the fear into a level of concentration where he worries less about getting hit but understanding that being hit is part of the experience. If he is going to cry he can't do TaeKwonDo.

Kids will usually suck it up when its something they really want to do.

Also, if this happens when you watc him, try to leave and dont want him spar, he might just be doing because he knows you are there.

Answer 8

You may have to work with the boy to change his thinking.

One way is to play some boxing games at home with well padded gloves.
From the very start "laugh" and duck and "laugh" and dodge,"laugh"and punch and jab.He will be laughing too!
Start with very light contact and move to light contact.
Keep cracking jokes and laughing let him pound you down and say "I can't take anymore" "I can't stop laughing"
It takes a while to turn things around but this approach will break the connection that getting hit is the end of the world.
If successful,in the end he will be one of the students that sparrs with a smile on his face.

Answer 9

Any martial art is a journey that is not easy, and the lesson your son is getting is very valuable, and you yourself said that he is learning. Some people enjoy the kata (forms) rather than the kumite (sparring), but Tae Kwon Do requires sparring, so he needs to learn to take a blow, and that's a lesson in life.

If your son is ashamed of crying, then I think that's the first lesson he should learn, take that shame and channel it! grab your sparring geat along with your tears and keep on fighting! what truly matters is that he pushes through when he sees an obstable, even if is at the cost of pain (nobody likes getting kicked or punched). Another thing I'd recomend is working on his defense, and hardening his body (sit ups and push up) to be able to withstand the kicks and punches, of course working on speed in order to avoid them would be even better.

Be patient, and encourage him to keep training, practice makes perfect, and tenacity makes a fearsome person!

Answer 10

Look.... the kid is 11! Thats still a baby if you ask me. Most martial arts like Kickboxing don't even allow people to join until they are 12-13. If he is under-developed and the other kids are beating on him, he needs to learn to adapt. If he doesn't like getting kicked... then kick them first or get out of the way?

Play to your strengths... if he is fast but not strong... get out of the way of things and counter for points. Your son doesn't need to be told that mugger thing.... fact of the matter is if someone wants anything of your son's.... THEY ARE GOING TO GET IT.... martial arts or not he is 11 for Christ sakes.

Tell him to practice more with sparring before he steps in the mat with someone... there are other ways to train sparring without full contact until he becomes used to being hit. I get hit now with 4oz gloves in our MMA class and I smile... you get used to it.

Remember your child's age and understand that he will grow up someday so don't fret. Your teacher sounds like an arrogant idiot for telling him to quit crying and fight back hard.... no **** numb nuts, is what i would tell him. Then I would explain that an 11 year old has A MUCH DIFFERENT BRAIN than a 25 year old....

God I hate TKD sometimes.