Was i abused?

Question

When i was a bit yonger by mum and dad use to get really angry with me, when i would say my behaveior was good and deffinately no worse than my siblings- i didnt anwer back/drink etc. but one morning i forgot to put some shoes away the night before and my mum woke me up by hittng me, another time my mum slapped me round the face and give me a nose bleed and a small bruise under my eye. Another tim my dad has threw me against the wall. Even though thesse things have occoured, its not like i have been getting beat up every week or nething it was only every couple of months. I felt as if dad also use to pick on me,- tell me off in excessive compared to siblings.
Now i dont really have a brilliant relationship with them and find it very hard to tell my mum anything, even stuff of little importance. Im moving out in september so has anyone got advice how can i improve my relationship with them untill then?
My questions are:
1)Was I abused?
2)How can i improve realtionship with parents?

Answer 1

Being slapped for doing something wrong is something which happens often and this is not abuse.

Being *thrown accross a room* and hit accross the face to the point you recieve black eye and a nose bleed is most *definately* abuse. There have been worse cases of abuse, yes, however if you were to report this when you were younger the police would agree. (BTW I wouldnt ask you to call the police this would IMO make matters worse for you and your parents).

I think leaving home will be very good for you. These things will sort themselves out in time. You can learn to be an independent and strong person. When your family are all adults, things will be much easier for you. Use the time living on your own to build a circle of friends that you can call 'your family'. Your parents will see that you are growing up and one day they will treat you with the respect u deserve. In the mean time.. you have to live there till september, so just try to be good and quiet and don't worry too much. Just know that these few months may be hard.. but the future will be much better after you leave.

My question is to the people that think this is not abuse: "If *you* were thrown accross a room, would you still agree"?

Answer 2

Im a mum myself and I have 5 kids; I certainly would have used slapping as a disciplinary tool when they were all small together. I'm ashamed of how I treated my kids at times; and yes these days, I would be horrifeid if I saw a parent hitting a child. My youngest is 14; he was born a long time after the others; I never raised my hand to him ,and I think he has turned out a nice guy, much calmer than the others.
It's abuse when it's consistent and non-stop; when it dominates your life to the exclusion of other things; and when you live in total fear of doing anything wrong. So, all things considered, while your parents might have done things they now regret, in the heat of the moment; it probably is safe to say it is not abuse.
Your parents are responsible for their own feelings; you can't improve things by yourself, it needs to come from them too. I think you will find that when you leave home, you will be more inclined to chat with them anyway;they will also miss you a lot, no matter how strained things may be at the moment. My kids chat to me a lot more since they moved out; the tension of living together is gone, and we are all more relaxed. Good luck.

Answer 3

it appears that everyone thinks that the occasional slap or bloody nose is okay because they were abused to a higher degree, in their opinion that is, well no that is not the case, abuse is abuse.Whilst i fully respect how it feels to be abused ,abuse should never be quantified or put into comparison.

What you went through was horrible and WAS abuse and you DID NOT deserve to be treated in this way.Whether if it was everyday or every couple of months this type of behaviour is not acceptable and you should not be justifying your pain , be it emotional or physical.You have a right to feel the way you do.

Yes you were abused and on some level probably still are being treated in an abusive manner in some way or another.

the communication has broken down between you and your family and the best way to improve this would be to get family counselling or for you to seek counselling if they do not agree

Good luck

Answer 4

To me you were not abused. Though, beating a child is not desirable, yet in your case both (Mum & Dad) were after you. It seldom happens. Normally, people complaint about arrogant attitude of either mother or father. May be you must have done some thing wrong or you are over sensative.

I think you must maintain relations with your parents after you move out. I am of the beleif their love for you will spring out when you are not there.

Answer 5

Violence by an adult to a child is always abusive - because the child doesn't have as much power or choice as the adult and cannot escape or defend itself from unfair treatment. You did not deserve to be treated that way. Even if your behaviour was unacceptable this is not the way to deal with it. Physical violence usually comes with emotional and mental abuse too and this may also have affected you in harmful and unhelpful ways such as low self-esteem and lack of confidence.

Improving your relationship with your parents depends not only on you but also on their willingness to learn better ways. However, there are ways that you can protect yourself until you leave. I would encourage you to seek help from your school counsellor or talk to someone experienced in helping people. They will be able to help you to identify specific ways to do this.

Answer 6

I believe strongly that you were abused. You were emotionally tormented and at times, physically assaulted. The accounts that you have shared show that your parents were out of control. This was NOT your fault. They probably learned their bad parenting skills from their parents. Move out as planned. I would strongly suggest that get some help through therapy to fully understand and accept that none of this was your fault. Allow yourself to heal. Come to a place in your life where you can forgive them and then sit down and just share with them how hurt and scared you were but let them know that you do love them and that you want to have a healthy relationship with them.

Answer 7

i think that this was an abusive relationship but the way to get through this is not to ponder on the past and get on with your life do not let this take over because if you let it it will

do you really want to have a good relationship with people like this if you do think about the future for example are these the sort of people you would want to leave your children with if it is then you should try to make a go of it but if it isn't then i wouldn't bother, to me if they were like this to you and not your siblings then i am sorry to say this then they dont want you as much as your siblings then if this is the case then you should get away from them for your own sanity

start yourself a new life full of people who love you and who you love

sorry to be harsh dont let this take over your life please

good luck
xxx

Answer 8

Tricky...

Not sure - every parent is different. It might just be that you are 'the one' who always go the short straw - there is always one of those in any family, no matter what anyone says (and they also know who they are).

Clear the air with your mother tell her how you feel - if nothing else if it will be off your chest even if you do not get the resolution you feel you need from your Mum.

Good luck.

Answer 9

Your problems sound similar to my upbringing by my mother. She was very verbally abusive and when she was going to hit me for no apparent reason she would lift her hand to her mouth and then I would know I would have to scarper. The things she used to say to me were horrendous, unrepeatable and I am still affected at 32 years of age. I still see a lot of her and she is still very controlling and wonders why I am so deep and can't discuss anything with her. I have grown into a very depressed individual whom relies on anti depressants. My mother is also a lonely woman as we lost my Dad in January.

Answer 10

It sounds like abuse to me. Do you ever do anything for them to do these things to you? If you are behaving well and your siblings are the one's who are misbehaving maybe your parents are angry and take their frustration out on you. Which is not good. I don't know if there is anything you can do to help make the relationship better between your parents and you but I'd say they need counseling if they hit you for no reason.