Raising children should you (parents only please)?

Question

When a teenager just doesnt listen to you anymore what should you do. A counsler once told me that when your kid isnt responding to your parently advice anymore or parenting protection that you should try to be their friend and help them see it from that angle. My wife disagrees with me and she says that you always need to be the parent. What do you think?

Answer 1

all teens go through stages of not listening... they spend years listening to adults, parents, teachers, day carers, aunties, uncles, grandmas grandpas, and neighbours... then they get to a point where they are tired of always doing the listening and want to be heard....

sometimes the very best way to get a teen to listen to you is to really listen to them... use active listening techniques such as repeating what it is you hear them say... and asking them if you got it right.. When you dont know the answer to something simply say, "I don't know but maybe we can find out together" and then follow through..

giving them more responsibilities and privileges and simply expect that they will meet the responsibilities and use the privileges correctly helps them to know you have noticed that they are growing up... dont make up pretend responibilities to make them feelimportant..(They do know the difference).. give them real responsibilities that really matter.. things that teens can manage are to take a bill and money and pay the bill and bring back a receipt, do some washing and hang it on the line (they wont do it perfectly but the clothes will get dry), care for younger siblings while you are out, mow the lawn, clean the loungeroom thoroughly including vacuuming and dusting, go to the store for groceries.

If you are certain your teens cant do the above then you seriously need to look at yourself and your attitudes to your children. Do you have any faith in their abilities? What were you capable of as a teen and why is it you are convinced your kids cant do likewise? What have you been teaching them? What have you been expecting of them? Are they living up to your expectations or down to them?

You need to be the parent but it is okay for a parent to also be a mentor to their kids and to be friendly with them too.

Do your teens know what it is you do for a living? Do they understand what that involves from your side of the picture? Have you involved them in your life?

Answer 2

While you can discuss things with them and be friendly toward them, your children NEED parents. They have already have a peer or friend group, but they are no substitute for parents. ( they only want what feels good at the moment!)

Teens are a hormonally charged bag of ego at this time in their life. They need the stability of people who love them and who are not swayed by the fashion and popular culture of the day.

Discuss things from every conceivable angle possible, including truthful forays into your own youth and attitudes. But be sure your CHILD knows that sometimes the answer to what they want has to be NO because you love them enough to set limits. Even if you made the same mistakes in your own youth - let them know that stupid choices are stupid choices.

Ask a few questions to yourself:
Does my child have their own phone line?
In room TV/entertainment system?
Computer in room?
Plenty of spending money with no accountability?
No curfew time?

If these items are all in the child's favor (meaning what the kid would want) then you have a problem right there. TOO MUCH ACCESS without responsibility.

Consider these things and ask yourself how to use them as bargaining chips.

Sometimes, no matter what you do, a child will simply choose to ignore you even at their own peril. It's called making a choice. Your job when the results come down on them and the consequences are unpleasant is to see that they accept and deal with the consequences EVEN THOUGH IT HURTS YOU.

In that way, you are TRULY being their friend because you are demanding accountability for their actions. And after all, aren't teens always wishing to be treated like an adult!

Hang in there! Perhaps a family counseling session is in order. See if your church offers counseling or if the local health departement can make a referral or if your pediatrician can help you out.

Good luck!

Answer 3

I had a similar problem with my daughter. Makeup, boys and attitude became more important than listening, respect and plain human decency. They only way I was able to stop it was : Talk to her guidance counselor at school and her teachers once a week. I make them send home a report everyweek with class average and any missing assignments. She lost the cell phone, computer and house phone. I gave her chores that she had to do. Every week she did them she got one thing back. But as soon as she mouthed off I added a week that something was gone. The big thing for me was, learning when she was just being a ***** and when something was making her angry. There is a difference and until I learned the difference there was no change. I would never deny her her feelings, but I had to pay attention to the fact that she was venting sometimes. Sometimes she took things out on me because she knew that I loved her and would always be there for her. As soon as she knew I was listening to her, things changed. I am not her friend. I wont be until she is a parent. I am not supposed to be. I am a single parent which doesnt make things easy for any of us sometimes. I hope this helped.

Answer 4

You should always be the parent, but that doesn't mean not trying to come at the problem from a different angle. I never accepted, and my parents never expected me to accept, "because I say so" as a reason. I am raising my own daughter the same way. If I can't explain why I want her to do something, I shouldn't be asking her to do it. She may not like or agree with the reason, but it has to have a point. Try to look at it from your child's point of view. All any parent can do is do their best. It is up to the child to make up their own mind and live with the consequences of their decision, for good or bad.

Answer 5

Be clear you should always be a parent first!! There is a way to be a parent and still put across your view in a 'friendly' manner. Only you know how your child responds to things. The teenage years are always the hardest because now they feel they are adults. Sometimes the best love is tough. You have to be able to convey what you want from a teenager as plain as possible. Straight forward because as soon as you give lee-way (sp) you have lost all hope. Good Luck!!

Answer 6

You do always need to be the parent, but you can be a friend to your child as well. There are no hard and fast rules for parenting, and everyone's situation is unique - just as their children are. I can tell you from my own experiences that ruling with an iron thumb (not quite a fist) has worked in our family. Being a stay at home mom has allowed me to keep the reigns fairly tight and I haven't had any real problems with my kids. I have a grown son (who put me through my paces), three teenagers (who are making me grey) and three little ones (who tire me out). Teenhood is a tough time for anyone, and my kids (teens on up) have told me that they love how I always try to remember how I felt at that particular age. Times do change and you have to make decisions based on the situation at hand, but it's always best to understand where your child is coming from.

Answer 7

be a parent first then a friend. Try to understand their thinking. The art of negotiating is a wonderful thing. My friend has twin 15 year old boys and they negotiate and list expectations so that it is clear on what is expected. Sometimes teens can just hate you for no reason and believe they know everything and nothing you say will be right whether you are their friend or parent. My friends rule is "Don't lie to me and don't embarrass our family name by your behaviour" it seems to work as well as we the line "we don't have to let you do anything, what you do get to do is a privilege and you should not take it for granted!"

Answer 8

You aren't supposed to be your child's "friend" more than their parent. You need to find whatever is the child's "collateral" because they all have it. Take away priveleges and do it 100% of the time. If they don't care about having no TV, no phone, no dates, no hanging out with friends, then you should strip their room of everything but a mattress on the floor and only a few basic outfits for them to wear. Put everything else of theirs in storage and make them earn it back.

YES you should be understanding to your kids, but also firm. Let them know that you are willing to help them through tough situations, but if they *become* a tough situation, then you're going to give them the proper consequences.

Answer 9

The teen needs to know their boundaries. You will always need to be the parent, because trying to be their friend ends up with you getting walked all over. Not listening? Take away priveleges. Still not listening? Gut their room of everything they like. No TV, game system, DVD player, MP3 player, computer, nothing. Then learn to sleep light, for when they try to sneak out. Keep in mind you are responsible for their well-being until they turn 18, so anything short of abuse is fair game. Your house, your rules.

Answer 10

You can be both. You do need to establish the parent role first though. Sometimes teens do need you to be their friend. My mom was my best friend as a teenager. I could tell her anything. If it was something I wasn't supposed to do I would face consequences, but I always had an understanding listener.