I was recently sexually assaulted. For the first few days, my boyfriend was an ok comfort. Now, it's been 3 weeks and I'm facing having to deal with court proceedings and work piling up and I'm generally scared and an emotional wreck. Last night I broke out in tears and he would mutter, "What's wrong" a few times. I wasn't able to put my feelings into words at the time. All I wanted was for him to tell me that he's there for me, etc. Instead he was silent a lot, replied to my questions of "Are you mad at me? Do you love me? Do you want me to go?" with "Should I be mad at you? What do you think? Do you want to go?" when all I wanted to hear were definite reassuring words like Yes I love you, I'm not upset you, I don't want you to go.
Am I overreacting? Am I being too critical of him? Am I expecting too much? Should I just deal with what I have going on by myself or seek another source of support?
2007-03-19 08:16:50 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
First off, it may be a good idea to lean on someone ELSE than your boyfriend. This is something very invasive that just happened to you, and it's hard for your boyfriend to help comfort you.
See a support ground. See a professional. Just find someone ELSE to lean on.
That being said, don't think think that he loves you less. You need to tell him exactly what sort of emotional and physical comfort you know. Sometimes you need to be direct and tell him EXACTLY what he needs to do. Do you need flowers? Tell him. He won't be able to read his mind if he doesn't know.
2007-03-19 08:20:54 · answer #1 · answered by FaZizzle 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First let me say I'm sorry for what happened to you. Now you should find comfort somewhere else. Because even though I'm an adult and a woman, I would be uncomfortable dealing with someone who would have had the same thing happen to them. He is a man and you were assaulted by a man. He probably feels at some point that it might of been his fault. But you know men don't deal with emotions the same way we do. If he's with you, after all that, then take it as a fact that he loves you. He might not say it every 5 minutes, but he's there isn't he? He can't make you feel better because it happened to you not to him, you and only you can make yourself feel better and understand what happened. So tell him that you appreciate having him with you, but don't crush him too much with the fact that you need him. Because he will definitely feel bad about himself.
Good luck.
2007-03-19 08:24:16 · answer #2 · answered by johanne 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you have been through a lot so don't worry about overreacting. you're extremely emotional right now! if you haven't already definitely seek counseling. you'll need help dealing with some of the bigger issues like being scared all the time. as for you bf give him some time too because a lot of people really want to be there for someone but sometimes they just don't know how especially in a situation like yours. he may not know what is okay to say and do just yet. sit down and have a talk with him and tell him how you feel and what you would like from him.
2007-03-19 08:22:07 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm in college and we talked about this type of situation in an abnormal psychology class I took. Often, when a woman is sexually assualted, she not only has to deal with that problem but also problems with her significant other. Often, the boyfriend faces issues about having known that his girlfriend has been with another man, even if it wasn't by choice. While some boyfriends are very supportive and end up sticking it out, often they aren't strong enough because of confidence problems. If I were you, with all these issues piling up, I would consider counseling. Maybe your boyfriend could go with you and he could try to figure out how he feels about the situation. Well, anyway, I wish you the best of luck and I am so sorry about your situation.
2007-03-19 08:27:16 · answer #4 · answered by Confused 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, I am so sorry for what you have been through. I can't imagine how difficult this has been, and I'm sure this doesn't help. I don't think you're overreacting, but you have to realize this has affected him, too. He probably has hostile feelings towards the person that assaulted you, and he probably has mixed feelings about another person touching you, even though it wasn't consensual. If you guys are in a serious relationship that you plan on staying it, I suggest you seek couples counseling. You should already be seeking therapy for yourself, but in order to really understand what has happened to you, your boyfriend should really go to counseling, too. Good luck, and please don't be afraid to reach out to every available source of support.
2007-03-19 08:25:01 · answer #5 · answered by oj 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, you are overreacting, because you expect him to automatically know what to do or say without being told. He was silent because he was confused, and trying to figure out what he should do or say.
If you wanted him to give you "definite reassuring words" why didn't you just TELL him what you wanted, instead of beating around the bush by asking indirect questions and giving vague answers?
If you want his support, then quit playing twenty questions and just tell him what you expect him to do for you. Is it really that hard to speak plain English?
===edit===
Sorry if what I said sounded rude; it is unfair that something this bad happened to you, but most guys need clear communication -- especially in times like this when he is feeling confused and doesn't know what to say or do. He is probably needing comfort too.
===edit2===
I think that both you and your boyfriend need grief counseling from a professional. I think that both of you are having a hard time right now.
2007-03-19 08:22:59 · answer #6 · answered by Randy G 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I am sorry that this happened to you.
Your boyfriend is also going through an emotional time. He has to see you hurting and may be feeling guilty that he wasn't there or able to protect you. I know that this does not make things easier for you but just remmber that you aren't the only victim in this. He may also have problems dealing with "big" crisis issues. Hope this all gets easier for you soon.
2007-03-19 08:23:57 · answer #7 · answered by loudmouth 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell him what you need and want him to say. A lot of guys have no idea how to react in those situations (frankly, I'm not that good at it myself all the time). He probably wants to be a comfort to you, he just has no idea where to start. So tell him what you told us- "Honey, I'm really upset right now and I don't know how to explain it, I just need you to hold me right now and tell me that you love me and that everything's going to be ok." See if that works. If not, you might have to seek out someone else to be your support through this, because you don't want to have to go through it by yourself. Good luck.
2007-03-19 08:26:08 · answer #8 · answered by sarai_kristi 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You cant assume him to comprehend what your questioning. tell him the way you experience. he's clearly attempting to help if hes offering suggestion. only because of the fact it is not what you're able to wanna pay attention would not recommend its no longer coming from a marvelous place.
2016-10-01 04:38:21 · answer #9 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You ARE overreacting. Also being hypercritical. He is THERE for you. He has voted with his feet to be near a weepy, frantic woman instead of with his buddies watching a basketball game.
This is not TV or a movie, it is REAL LIFE. There aren't screenwriters making dialogue for him to say. Take great comfort in his presence. Breathe the air around him, bask in his warmth, let him hold your hand.
No words are necessary.
2007-03-19 08:22:20 · answer #10 · answered by nora22000 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋