Just need A lot of friends right now. :,,,(?

Question

My mom passed away. She was homeless(don't get it twisted, we tried to help but you can't make your mom do anything she does not want). Iwas adopted and did not know her until 12 years ago. At the time I was 17. I was growing into my own and we clashed a lot. But towards the end(last 6 yrs or so) we've been real cool. She loved being a grandma and my 5 yr old loved her. Being on skid row was dangerous and dirty but she survived from when she was 14. (some family stuff I don't want to know about) She was 52. She also battled alcohol and drugs. What really bothered me was that she tried to contact us and through circumstances(someone forgot to give the message) she passed away in the hospital with no family. I think my stepdad was there but we can't find him. Last we heard he just walked off into the vastness of downtown L.A. and disappeared. I really worried about him too. They were really close. I have an 17yr old brother that they made together. Just sad and need real friends. Bye

Right now I am balling my eyes out. I can't believe there are so many loving and caring people. In the end I know it's for the best but I miss her. She had such a light. She was so animated. I carry alot of her traits. Looks, personality, I'm even loud like her. Now I look in the mirror and I see her. I hear her in my mind but not outside. My daughter was there when I found out. I didn't take it well. She's such a champ. She didn't cry she just kinda looked sad. But because of her age and where my mom lived, they did not see each other much. Oh but when she did. She would make us walk up and down the street introducing us to all her friends. The store owners, the local police anyone who would listen. she would tell people"This is my baby and this is my grandbaby. BAAAAABBBBYYYYY!!!!". That was her phrase. You could hear her from her spot on 5th clear down to like 7th. She even told me how I was born. So I love the time I got to spend with her. I just wish for more.

Sorry, ran out of space. Lot to say. Never write this much. Never even write details. Thank you to everyone. I wish I could give you all a piece of sunlight. You have given me so much more. All of your kind words and thoughts really help. I am kind of a hermit. The only friends I did have moved or lost touch. The other friends I thought I had were total posers. When my money failed so did they. I have'nt seen the posers in like 2 wks. So I've been dpooing a lot of crying praying and talking to her up there. My baby came up this morning and just gave me a big comfort hug, out of the blue. My husband has been so supportive. Poor thing he doesn't know what to do because I'm the cheerleader. I keep everybody else happy. I know I'll get by. I have to. We have to get her service together. Being the oldest @ 30 guess who has to do the do. I've never seen a body till at the funeral. She'll be cremated. Does ne1 no about the locket to store ashes and the cost. We need like 3 or 4. Thank you. xo

Well here's more drama to add to the equation. We had to get her stuff and my mom was rather casual. So there were no dresses we could use. Everybody wants to be mad at my stepdad saying he knew and should have called sooner. But they don't understand how hard it must be for him too. I found some old letters of hers and found a whole other side. A very kind and quiet side we never knew about. I saw her space downtown and for once downtown seemed silent almost non existant. I kept expecting her to come peeling around the corner, arms outstretched with kisses and hugs. I meet with some of her friends, shed some more tears. We went to the mortuary and I had to make all the descions. So much to think about. And so much money. It cost 1885.25 for a cremation and service and fees. I lost my job and my sister is unemployed. My mom had no SSI and we are basically doing everything outside of stripping and prostituting to make money. So far we got $500. I'm gonna make it though. I got to.

Answer 1

You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
David Harkins

Answer 2

I lost my mom this last October and it is a difficult time, the one thing you have to understand is that you can not carry the guilt and regrets of someone else's choices. Your mom made her own choices and you can not say I should have or if I could have, that just doesn't work it causes you turmoil and it causes you more sadness. We can not be responsible for the way others are, we can only do the best we can in our own lives, sometimes we tend to take on the responsibility of the things we can not change because it is so hard to accept the way they are. Hug your own child and learn from your mothers lessons and just be the best mom you can be, also you can hold tight to the good things about your mother, but you also have to let go of any anger you have because she was unable to be the mom you wanted her to be. I went through this, one day I just screamed and cried at her although she wasn't here it helped me releases my disappointments and accept she was only human and she had her own reasons for who she was and it was okay.

Answer 3

I'm sorry to hear that, but you are one of the lucky one because I hear it can be hard sometimes to find your birth mother, you had the chance to meet her, and I'm sure you feel awful you couldn't be there in the hospital with her, but I'm sure she knows how much you wanted to be there and now she isn't going to go through any of the worlds hardships anymore. Just think of the good times you had with her and your child had with her. Watch out for your dreams too, I strongly believe that's how anyone can contact you form the other side, at least it's always happend to me when someone close to me passes away.

Answer 4

This is not your fault. Take care of your brother. Make sure he doesn't become a next-generation homeless person.

Does mental illness run in your mom's family? That could explain it. Many mentally ill people prefer drugs, alcohol and the streets against seeing psychiatrists and taking prescription medications that have tons of nasty side effects.

Above all. Like I said, don't blame yourself. This is a situation where everyone loses and the only benefit you have is a brother, who, like I said, you should look out for.

Answer 5

First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss. No matter what the circumstances of her life she was still your mom and you love her. I am sorry that you could not be there for her passing but do not beat yourself up about it. You can not be somewhere if you do not know about it. It is not your fault. Do not blame yourself. Your mom knows that you love her. I hope that you can find your stepdad. You could probably be a comfort to each other. I hope you find peace and comfort. Take care.

Answer 6

i am praying for you! I know how hard it is to finally meet a family member and then have them leave you. Just this year i found out that I had an older brother. MY dad had a relationship before he married my mom and they had a kid, but she didn't tell him about it. long story but anyway, he called us up one day and you can guess that we were a little freaked! but anyway he is 19 and a really cool kid. he looks EXACTLY like me...except that he is a boy, but he just graduated from high school and has kind of gone off on his own. We haven't heard from him in a long time. its really sad and i know kind of how you feel. i would love to be your friend and i am praying for you constantly.

Answer 7

I need to tell you, I am proud of you for talking and not holding it in.....Life is not fair no matter where you look its all around the unfairness in life. Did we bring it on our selves NO
can we change it NO
can we take what we know and learn from it
My heart goes out to you, I have no answers. I am a mommy myself
I have a daughter, and all I can say if you want to talk I am here any time. AND LOOK UP ......... it also would not hurt to find a close person to talk to when you needed to talk

Answer 8

May god be with you at your time of loss. it was a great thing that you and your mother made amends, and she knows that even though because of circumstances you might not have been able to be with her in the end that you loved her. What matters is that you did get to know her and that she is where she needs to be, with no pain or suffering. She doesn't have to live in shambles or be homeless anymore. She is in god's house with him and will always love you.

Answer 9

These things are not your fault. You can't blame yourself. You have to start looking at your future and making plans for you and your kid. Its time to move on. At least you knew your mom. Some people never got that chance to meet there real parents. So be grateful of that. And enjoy your kid. Work and spend as much time as you can with your kid. Put your kid in a lot of activties also, so she does not start getting in any trouble.

Answer 10

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 3 years ago to cancer and i miss him every day. There were 10 years growing up that i didn't see him so the time we had together was special. I hope you find peace in knowing how much she loved you.