Although I love my Mother, she drives me mad, she?

Question

consantly criticises everyone, is never happy about anything and moans all the time. She's 80, independant although frail. I try my best to see her every fortnight for a few days [I live 300 miles away] and my brother does what he can but he's got a demanding job and a young family. My other brother hardly does anything cos mum can't stand his wife so can't blame him really. Its got to the point now where I just wish she would quietly go away as the constant nastiness is wearing me down when I speak to her [3 or 4 times a week]. She now wants to come and spend a week wih me but I know she finds my flat cold, cramped and anything else she can complain about. I want her to stay in a b&b 3 doors away but then it'll be 'you don't want me in your house'. I've also got to work, and she knows this, the week she'll be here but she'll moan about that too. Any suggestions on how to cope without the aid of barcadi or other stuff?? I don't want to fall out with her at her age.

Answer 1

one day honey you will miss this believe me ,,,,,,,,one day you can laugh at all these things ..................HANG IN THERE I AM GOING THROUGH THIS WITH MY 85 yr old mom now and I just say
ITS OK
ITS OK
ITS OK
Hang in there..........................

Answer 2

kinda sounded as if you were talking about my mom for a second there. but there is really little you can do to help the situation without her help. but here are a few things i tried with my mother.
the reason why your mother is doing this, is probably because she feels lonely, and is needing more attention than she is getting. I understand that you live extremely far away from her, but when you talk to her, do you ever talk to her about her life. get to know her. ask her about the good things in her life, and so forth... so if she criticises you, you can turn around and tell her that when she was your age, she was no better off, and that she of all people should understand what you are going through to get your life in order.
without a doubt, she loves you and that's why she criticises you. she only wants the best for you. imagine if she had absolutely nothing to say to you, that would probably hurt more 'cause you wouldn't know if she cared.
if it really bothers you that much about spending a few days with her, sit her down and tell her. tell her how you understand that she is not comfortable in your place, and that there is a place a few doors down that you are willing to let her stay at.
make sure that she understands that your flat is your home and you like living there, and although you love her, she can leave whenever she wants to, and that you will think no less of her.
being reasonable with her, might soften her tones, by either confusing her, or convincing her that you are no longer a child (as all parents see their kids), but a mature adult.
well, i hope this helps you, if not, it would be a shame.
good luck, and don't get worn out

Answer 3

Sometimes (not always), older people seem to just grumble at everything - and they get away with it cos who is going to shout a woman that age!!!!!!. You sound like you have been very patient indeed. It goes without saying that you love her and making a 300 mile trip every other weekend must be a strain. Can you try and let some of her comments just go over your head - I am sure she doesn't mean what she says. What about getting some photo's out when she comes over and getting her to talk about her life and history and about you when you were little - that might soften her up a bit!. I used to live next to an old lady that age - did the shopping every week (funny, she had four children but didn't ever see them!) she used to drive me crazy with her moaning and groaning but geting her to talk about the good old days did the trick! Re. your flat, stick the heating up so high, she will fall asleep!!! x

Answer 4

My mom is a complainer and guilt tripper from way back when and she is doing something that is changing her life and I can see such a big difference in her! If she complains about you staying elsewhere, tell her why. You are an adult and do not have to subject yourself to this. You can do that in a way that is productive to moving ahead. I'm sure she doesn't realize that you all feel that way about her because no one is saying, hey mom... ease up on the negativity because you're pushing us away. Am I right?

Answer 5

Is the week you have to put up with her not worth the rest of your lifetime your going to have to live without her once she's gone?
I wish to God I'd had more time to listen to my mom ***** and complain. You have no idea how much I miss her today...as much as I did when she died 6 years ago, and ever day in between.
So put up with it. Thank God that she's still here with you. Get your bum brothers to help out for the same reason. She raised 3 very ungrateful children, it's your turn to pay her back now.

Answer 6

most people feel this way especially with elderly demanding parents
tell her that you are very busy at work and that if she came she would be mostly on her own
sorry there is no simple answer you will have to get strong or else she will make you ill
Cant you say half jokingly we would end up killing each other if you came to stay
ask the rest of the family for some support

Answer 7

that is tough, at the age of 80, you cant tell her anything. I know she will drive you absolutly nuts, but is there anyway that you can tolerate it just for a week? If not, be straight with her. Tell her that you want her there, but not all of her negativity. You love her, you dont want her out of your life, just certain things in her behavior you cant take in your life right now. Maybe she will think about what she is doing and work on it... its worth a shot!

Answer 8

I just found out my mom passed. I alienated myself from her because of her attitude and personal flaws. Now that she's gone I'd give anything to here her, yelling or not. I give anything to kiss and hug her one more time. So please hang in there. Because when they are gone, they are gone. You get no do-overs. All you can do is think about what could have been. You look at her and you think of your life trully without her and that makes it easy to deal with anything.

Answer 9

I don't want to visit my any of my kids now after reading this question for that matter I don't even want to turn 80 especially if they are talking behind my back like this ; |

Make it work like isn't a movie...toodles :)

Answer 10

she is 80 and i think some people get angry alot at that age