What to do about yelling?

Question

growing up i watched my mother deal with her anger and rage by yelling at the top of her lungs, and using profanity and cutting deep when arguing with my father, her 2nd and 3rd husbands, boyfriends, me and my sister. i absolutely hated it, it caused me much pain and sadness and even had an effect on both my and my sisters self esteem. unfortunatly recently i noticed, i have begun to repeat the cycle with my fiance. i fear that i learned this awful habit from her and i will eventually lose him because of it, or worse if we have children, i will damage them in the way my mother damaged us. i know therapy is probably best, but unfortunatly, economics are an issue. does anyone out there know of any information on how to deal with this problem that i might be able to find in the library, or online. please someone help, i'm desperate. thank you

Answer 1

I know how you feel. I too had a mother who yelled and cussed and called very ugly nasty names to me and my dad as a kid . She still is the same way. I vowed never to be like her towards my kids and hubby. I have had a few flare ups...but the thing is just own up to them and notice when you are starting to get edgy and want to yell...catch yourself and redirect yourself to something more constructive. It is hard at first but believe me it works. i have had to take many "time outs" from my hubby n my kids because of this. see my mom never realized...or wait...maybe she just did not give a damn whenever she did cuss n call names and yell and hit...when i would bring it to her attention she would either be in denial or just shrug it off like oh well who cares type of personality... i on the other hand notice...and it is honest and good of u to notice that u do that now and u want help. that is being more of a person and u should be commended for that since there are so many abusive people out there and they do not even admit to their faults nor do they get help. since u have finances that do not allow therapy for the time being, just go find a quiet place where u just u alone can take a breather from the situation if u feel like u are going to explode...like i SAID EARLIER I HAVE TO DO THIS MYSELF AND IT HELPS! TAKE CARE~

Answer 2

Talk with you boyfriend. Explain to him that this is something you want to change and need his help. While you are yelling at him, if he could say something like "I love you. I will be happy to listen to you when you have calmed your voice." This should cue you to back away and settle. If it does not, then his second step should be to say "I love you. I am going to go leave now so you can calm down. I WILL be back in an hour." Then he should leave and return when he says he will.

You should not question him about where he went, this will just start more arguing. He should not bring up that you were wrong. You should then both TALK about what ever the original fighting was over. More often than not, you may not even remember.

Another techinque that can work is to have a visual of what this can do to your relationship after time. Go to the dollar store and buy a ceramic item. Buy some super glue too. After (not during) you have a yelling tirade, throw the ceramic on the floor so it breaks. Then collect the pieces and glue them together. After a few breaks you will see all the missing pieces and cracks. Soon enough you will see that it can not be repaired. It is a huge eye opener.

Good luck

Answer 3

The best way to control you anger is when you feel it coming on, when you have that urge to yell remove yourself from the situation until you can think of how you want to phrase your words. With children you can give them a time out for a few moment or sent them to their rooms until you are able to talk to them in a reasonable tone.

With your fiance, you can just communicate to him that you are feeling very angry and you need a few moments alone time to "cool off" at which point you can discuss things like rational adults.

Talk to you doctor, or researched if there are anger management courses available in your community. Having a group support system is often more effective at tackling issues than going about it alone.

Good luck.

Answer 4

1. Parents arguing is parental business. Someone got the bright idea marriage isn't between two people.

2. A few generations have been damaged by allowing themselves to be lured into thinking they are or were damaged by their entire childhood. How much money do you think this business has brought in?

3. Give yourself a break and live life.

Answer 5

the best advice i could give you is before you start yelling or before you think you going to close your eyes and take 2 or 3 deep breathes if that doesnt work close your eyes and count again. well good luck ,i hope you could end the cycle before it begins. good luck again.

Answer 6

Think of an alternate way to express your feelings besides yelling.

Answer 7

Good for you for recognizing and dealing with this.

All the best to you!