A question for step-parents of teens?

Question

My teenage step-daughter is driving me crazy! She is getting more out of control everyday. She lies about where she sleeps-over on the weekends. I saw her pull into our driveway driving her friend’s car without a license! When her dad and I confronted her she called me a liar and started hysterically crying. Her dad was so confused he ended up calling her friend and she confirmed what I saw. We keep grounding her and taking away privileges but as soon as she gets a little freedom she rebels again. Its pretty obvious she blames me for everything wrong in her life and has no problem with disrespecting me to get her way. Honestly, I’m so tired of all her drama I secretly wish she would just live with her mother. To all you step-parents of teens is this normal teen behavior, if so how do you manage to cope with this on a day to day basis?

Thanks for all the comments. Normally my husband and I are a united front but she performed an award-winning crying scene that even had me wondering if my eyes tricked me. I've made so MANY attempts over the years to bond but to her I'm the enemy. I'm just getting frustrated with the constant rejection. We've even tried family counseling but nothing changed. For those of you that have been in my situation what are you doing to cope? I'm not ready to leave my husband because of her but I don't know how many more years I can put up with feeling like the Evil Stepmother. And what happens when she goes to college and comes home for holidays? Does she finally grow up or will I be the enemy for life?

Answer 1

if she is disrespecting only you then you and your husband have a lack of communication. what i'm saying is - she's disrespecting everyone - especially herself.
it's normal.
how to cope:
know that she's like this and choose your battles wisely
or
give her NO FREEDOM. she's not allowed to even go to the mailbox alone. no phone. no computer. no cell phone. not allowed on home phone. one of you (you or your husband) drive her to school and pick her up. (my cousin skipped school one day and her mother walked with her to each class holding her hand the entire day - it worked!) she's not allowed to pick out her own clothes. she has ZERO FREEDOM.
see how she likes THAT.
i had to do it. it lasted about 3 months before she realized i wasn't playing. she changed her ways. that was about 10 years ago. she tells me "thank you" every time i speak with her.

take care.

Answer 2

I'm not sure if it is normal behavior for a teenager(what is normal behavior for a teenager?). But I do have a similar situation with a stepson. He is 17 and I became his stepmon when he was 11 and he still hasn't accepted me. He lives with us full time and always has. His biomom lives 2,000 miles from him (by choice). I am a good step mom and I'm always doing special things that I go out of my way to do and they always go unappreciated. He's a good kid, straight A's ,plays sports, doesn't get in trouble at school, etc. But he has made my life a living hell. He totally ignores me and any attempts that I make at having a positive relationship with him. I feel like he resents anything that I do for him because I'm doing for him and not his mom. I just hope to someday have a positive relationship with him. I don't want to go throughout life like this. It is very difficult and uncomfortable. I find myself trying to avoid him too so that I don't get my feelings hurt.

Answer 3

This is normal teen behaviour, but if you and your husband put up a united front, she'll soon learn that she can't get away with it. Parenting a teen is the hardest thing I think anyone can do, because teens can be very selfish- never thinking of their parents as anything other than people that stand in their way and annoy them.

Give her more positive attention and see if that helps.

It's going to difficult, but you can do this, you can get the strength to do what needs to be done.

I have never parented a teen, but I was one, and remember how nasty I was capable of being...I was too scared to ever do anything, but I would have if I had the guts. With me, it was more the emotional torment I caused my mom.
I have apologised for it since I have become a mom though!

Answer 4

Don't reply from your emotions. Stay rational and loving no matter what. Don't get caught up in her emotional drama. Communicate clearly: "this is what you must do and why. This is what you can't do and why." Being reasonable avoids her thinking that you are just doing it out of anger. "You said you didn't do this but we have proof that you did: When you lie about it, it only makes it worse. Now not only do we fear for your safety, we can't trust you."

Set up boundaries and be consistent. She should never be allowed to sleep over at a friends house, even if she is not grounded.

Answer 5

Oh, Honey........you just described my life word for word!
First, no, this is not normal behavior. The important thing is not to let this come between you and your husband. Tell him he has to believe and trust you and not to let his daughter see that he needs to "confirm" what you tell him. This will just make her worse because she will know he doesn't trust you completely. That has to stop. My husband's daughter is the same way....I would love to send her to live with her mother but can't because her mother is unfit. I can't stand the kid, I have tried everything (shopping trips, one on one time, helping with homework, after school activities, etc.) I look forward to when she is 18 and out of the house (either in college or living with one of her family members). Good luck to you I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

Answer 6

K this is easy...as a matter of fact I'm a step-daughter myself. Given the fact that I would run away steal stuff from my step-father...go to parties till all hrs an lie bout where I was. ITS NORMAL. And as for the disrespecting and that shes gunna have to learn to deal with you because shes not the only girl in her fathers life any more. SHES GOT TO LEARN THAT! Sure u an her may have diffrences but once she grows up and learns that your there...she'll respect the both of you.

Answer 7

we have a combined step family and we have problems with all of the kids. my two were raised by me and my husband and they try everything they can to get us to go head to head. my step son who is 10 does the same thing as you just described. finally we got tired of fighting each other and told the kids that what ever was decided by one will be agreed to by the other and that we would back each other up 100 percent on what was expected. after about 2 weeks of seeing that we were serious then they stopped trying to play one off the other. you need to make sure that she sees that you are going to work together and that nothing she does will change that. make sure that when she does do what is expected that you do things to show her that you are proud of her

Answer 8

If you can afford it, now would be a great time to send her away to a special school for troubled kids. They cost quite a bit of money, but it could save her life and it would certainly save your sanity. She's getting a lot of attention right now, even though it is negative attention. You can't just give up on her because she is testing the "how much do they love me" question right now. And it could go on until she's eighteen. And while she's testing you, she could end up hurting herself or someone else, she could get pregnant, she could end up in jail. I understand you wanting to send her to her mom's but that isn't exactly the best thing for her. It just eases your pain. Maybe her mom could help with the cost of a good school. Remember, she is obviously in a great deal of pain herself and she is in a destructive mode. Love her. Help her.

Answer 9

You also desribed my life word for word, Except me and my stepkids mom get along better when it comes to her than me and my fiance's mom. I get undermined in everything i try to do. I feel like i get a little respect then get pulled back. she is coming between me and my fiancee i can barely talk to her without her hitting the ceiling she is 12 going on 24 and stepmoms get a bad rep going out the gate have you seen the movies. Just keep trying to give her positive attention and restrict her from priledges when she messes up telling her why she got them yanked. Good luck and god bless.

Answer 10

Look I'm sorry for what you have to deal with, but you know try to think of things from her point of view even though she's being disrespectful because I'm a stepdaughter and I know sometimes my step-mom can drive me nuts. She always says rude things to me, she is always nicer to my half-sister(her daughter) and she says bad things about me to my YOUNGER half-sis. That is not fair and even my little sis who's 6 understands that she is being unfair to me. So you know you my need to think about her side of the story and find out if there is something that has devastated her other than you.

I hope that helps!