Mature Christians: How do I get the point across with this girl?

Question

I understand the problems with cross gender evangelism, I'll just say that out front. As it is, there is a girl that I have led to Christ. She's definitely developing a crush on me, which isn't appropriate for our relationship, she needs to be concerned with her spiritual walk. I've been very direct about the issue, and she just claims she doesn't have a crush on me. I've gotten her involved with another girl as her accountability partner, but she still always calls me with her problems. When I try to play the card of just avoiding hanging out with her so that she will not be focused on me so much, then she calls and stresses out thinking that I hate her. What do I do?

Nice, yes I'm available, and I think I'm at least moderately good looking.

She's not so much affecting my relationship with God, I'm more concerned with her being more interested with me now than God.

Also, the crush didn't appear until some time after her conversion, so I don't think that it was her reason for deciding on Christ, and I have seen serious fruit to show a serious change.

No, the feeling isn't mutual at all, I'm just concerned about her spiritual state.

Answer 1

Hmmm....you do have a problem on your hands, but the evangelistic work you've done is more important than that, so don't blame yourself there. It sounds like you've not tried to "lead her on" although it's understandable she admires you and has become close to you.

It is important for her to work on her walk with Christ, at the same time that doesn't preclude her from developing relationships, whether platonic or romantic.

At the same time, I'm trusting there's more that she's doing to signal her desire for you romantically beyond asking for advice and calling for conversation and enjoying your company.

You did, after all, save her life (in the sense of bringing her to Christ's Salvific Work). It's necessary when witnessing and evangelizing one-on-one to develop a form of intimacy. Note that intimacy does not mean romantic - it's something that's shared between all people who are close, and it is that sacred part of friendship.

Hence, I'm not surprised that she's calling you with her problems. She has a female friend as an accountability partner, which is good, but she may not find as ready a confidante in her as she does in you. Again, you did, after all, save her.

Just be sure she's not looking at you as a big brother. Sometimes this can look like the desire for a romantic relationship, especially if your group emphasizes courtship (ie Josh Harris' "I kissed dating goodbye") as opposed to dating. A dead giveaway is if she asks you out on a date (of course), but I have many friends in certain circles where it seems too forward for a girl to ask a guy out.

If she's warm to you, even affectionate, that can simply mean endearment (unless of course its unwelcome - draw the line quickly on this). You two have become close because you did, after all, save her.

Even her calling you being bothered that you hate her is something that my female friends (Christian and not) do on ocassion. Bear in mind I am married and all my female friends know it. I think it's just something in the way that some people regard relationships.

If you're really concerned that she has a crush on you, dropping hints and "playing cards" (so to speak) isn't working, so be direct with her. Tell her you value her as a sister in Christ, that you're glad you've become close (it's hard to evangelize one-on-one without developing an intimacy, and I don't mean romatic), and you want to be sure she doesn't think you're interested in her romantically. State it, be blunt but friendly.

And whatever she says, take it seriously. If she says she's not interested, that's just how she expresses her close friendship with you as her brother in Christ, accept it. If she says she is interested, move with it from there.

It's not impossible for men and women to be platonic friends - it just takes clear communication. Again, I'm a married man with several close female friends. They regard my wife as a sister, look at me as a brother (some call sometimes late at night needing advice) and she values their friendship as well. They are a rich part of our community of friends.

Answer 2

You have made yourself responsible for her and she knows it. You say that you led her to Christ rather than giving God the credit for doing the work. You talked about Christ. The Holy Spirit revealed the truth to her and she came to Christ because of that. You said that you set up her accountability partner. Again, that is putting yourself responsible for her spiritual path. I'm not saying that you've done a bad thing, but I'm just saying you are a tough position.

I know a girl that I helped to see God as he really is. She didn't believe that she could be loved at all. After a year or so, she really used me to make all of her choices. I slowly had to cut her off from me. If you want to continue to help this girl, then you need to make it clear to her somehow that you aren't interested in her romantically. You need to weem yourself off from her as it is because she if depending on you TOO much. She seems very insecure and depends on you for acceptance and happiness. In a way, you are becoming a God-figure to her. I say this not because I believe you are wrong, but because I was in a similar position and it caused me a great deal of grief. I don't want to see a brother in Christ go through that.

Answer 3

This is a difficult situation to be in, the fact that you have already said that her feelings for you aren't good for your relationship and also pointed out that you have been very direct with her tells me you have done all you can. If I were in your situation, I would let her know again that she should focus on her spiritual walk, and that being a brother and sister in Christ is all that this relationship is going to be. But when you do this, do what the bible says, do it in love, seasoned with salt and full of grace. Avoid hanging out together one on one and more importantly, pray on it.

Answer 4

i mean i have a religious christian friend, and i discovered that it is very similar to my beleifs. although im not christian, but i honestly am giving an advice from the heart, because i have similar problems.
1) it is ok if u love a girl or if a girl loves u, it is not forbidden because it cannot be controlled... (but if ur a pope, then in ur religion thats a different story)

what i advise u to do, is that if u like her too, then u can do it the right way, that will lead to no sins. by telling her that u do so, but never allowing urself to be with her without a thrid person. and if the love develops, in our culture, the guy would hint that he want to arry her, and if she shows positiveness, then he will ask for her hand from her father infront of her. it is highly honoring the girl, and respecting the father who spent his life trying to preserve her.and make sure u explain ur religious aspects to her, and try to get her closer to religion. cos u want her to g to the same heaven u beleivein dont u.

if u dont necessarily like her, then keep avoiding eye contact with her. it depends on the type of girl she is really, whether or not u should tell her that she is only a friend.. u can start talking to her about if u fancy another girl, i mean i wouldnt do that, because we dont normally share this info with opposite gender, but its up to u.
but do not back of suddenly, because that will either make her love u more, or it will make her think that u hate her,.

u can pray to god to guide u through the way, and u will never regret it. dont be ashamed of ur religion, always discuss it with her, in terms f what ur thinking of what she asks u to do, if u think its not right.

Answer 5

You need to find someone in your area who understands attachment theory. Do you have a Christian counselor in your congregation? I would seek his/her advice. And part of what I would ask is how you could get her into counseling.

You haven't said how old she is, but it's likely that she has emotional issues from her upbringing and is transferring her need for attachment to you. So how you handle this can have long lasting consequences.

Clearly, she has some abandonment issues at the very least.

Pray like crazy, and seek help from someone trained in dealing with reactive attachment disorder or borderline personality disorder.

Answer 6

Only two things can be happening here. One is she is telling the truth and sees you as a big brother figure. Two is if she is having such feelings then walk far away and turn her over to God, allow him to take over. Even if she slides back into the world the seed is still planted. Your only course of action is to pray and listen for the answer and act on it.
Larry T

Answer 7

You seem to have taken all the appropriate steps and tried to deal with this maturely. Your next step would be to go to the pastor or youth leader and explain the situation. That person may have to intercede on your behalf. Sadly you need to be ready for her withdrawal from church if she is more obsessed with you than being close to Jesus. She needs your prayers but not your presence at the moment.

Answer 8

Dude, the conversion was probably only about 20% of her intentions. She probably just wanted you from the get-go and you didn't pick up on it because you were in convert mode... You give the woman the kind of attention she's looking for, or you tell her that you are only interested in her faith. Either give her what she wants, or give her some clear answers. You sound like a virgin, man...

Answer 9

You might wonna talk to your pastor about the problem and come with the lady to meet him, not to talk to the girl about your allegations but for sake of accountability. Also, you got to check your own secure and resolute stance...you sound like the feeling is mutual

Answer 10

you need to reliinquish responsibility of this girl to a female counselor, she sounds like trouble. Nobody with an ounce of sense would ever cross the line like she does. If she insists on calling be very frank, tell her that you dont like it and to never call you again!