Bio dad vs "real" dad?

Question

My son will be a year old next month. His biological father comes to see him about once a month for an hour or so. I know as my son grows the bio dad is probably going to want to be more involved ...when there are no diaprs, bottles ...etc. The only dad my son really knows is my fiance who I have been with since I found out I was pregnant. My son doesn't understand any of this yet of course. But I guess I am looking for advice on what to as he gets older. How do I explain to him that he has 2 "dads" Is there anyway I can keep the bio dad out of the picture? If he takes me to court what are his chances of getting visitation due to the fact that he has almost no involvement for a year or at any time during the pregnancy? Any advice would be helpful. Also my son has my fiances last name. Though bio dad said he wanted it changed he has yet to get the paper work I told him he needed. If the baby is over 1 yr it has to go through the courts. Do you think they will make me change his name?

Bio dads name is on the birth certificate. Had to be done when we went through the child support system. I have told him from the 1st time he met his son at 3 months old that he was more than welcome to see him at anytime. He always says he is too busy at work to visit. Also he has never taken the baby anywhere without me and said no matter what he was not changing any diapers. He is on probabtion for his 3rd DWI and he also has some other issues with drinking and what he calls recrational drug use. He called last Wednesday and said he wanted to see the baby . I said ok see ya around 6. Well its Monday and I still haven't heard from him.

I have no bad feelings toward my ex at all. Nor am I trying to use my son as any type of pawn for affection and /or attention. I just want whats bst for him. Bio dad never shows up when he says he is going to and when does show up it seems like he would rather be doing anything else than be around his son. My fiance and i have provided a stable loving home for the baby since the day he was born.

Answer 1

any man can be a dad but it takes a real man to be a father my kids have grown up with a fauther not a bio dad. they get along just fine without him and chances are the more time the more distance there will be

Answer 2

I doubt that you will agree with me on all of this but your son should be your top priority. Do what is best for him.

This seems like a totally messed up situation. Your son has your fiance's last name? And you have which last name? I am guessing that you were not married to bio dad. My guess is that especially if you are not married to your fiance by the time that the name change case goes to court that you will be made to change it to either the bio dad's last name or to your current last name.

Your son's father will have very good chances of getting substantial visitation should he choose to. This will be especially true if bio dad can say that you have moved more than once in the past year or are living with your fiance.

Give the bio dad a break. One year of little involvement does not mean that he should lose out on a lifetime of knowing his child. Remember that your son is just as much your ex's child as he is yours. Think how you would feel if the situations were reversed. And try to do what is best for the little boy. He should be your top priority.

Good luck!

Answer 3

There is no need to explain to your son about having 2 dads. It will be normal to him and as long as he feels loved, that is all that matters.
I am afraid that there is no way to keep the biological father out of your son's life. But really it is best that way I think. If he is a dead beat then it will only make him appriciate his step dad more. If he becomes more active in your sons life then GREAT! Better late than never.
You really should not worry about him getting custody. Courts usually favor the mother unless she is just a complete mess and the father can prove it.
I don't know what to tell you about the name thing. I would think that if your fiance's name is on the birth certificate the only way he could change it is with a DNA test and a court order.
No matter how this turns out just remember that your son is most important. And no matter how much you despise your ex, don't trash him in front of the kid. Let him form his own opinios of him and believe me, he will know soon enough how he feels about him. As a child of divorce, mothers sometimes make it so much harder on the child by trashing the father that the kid really loves. And BOTH parents make it hard on the child when they can't get along. At least be civil so the child will not feel torn.

Answer 4

Does he give financial support for the child?

You see, I had both. I had a biological father that I saw maybe once or twice a year. I was happy to know him and I cared a lot about him, but I only really saw him near Christmas and summer break. Otherwise I saw my "other" dad. I never thought of one as my real dad. I just thought of them as Dad and Dad. And I knew which one was which.

My mother simply told me that they were my dads. One is my dad at home and the other is the dad that was with her long ago. I didn't care one whit about it. I just enjoyed the time with them both.

If the biological father is making financial contributions, then he may have an argument in court. However, ignore the name change issue until it becomes an issue. If it becomes an issue. And it shouldn't. The child resides with you, and when you marry your fiance it will solidify the reasoning for the name. That reason has to do with home solidarity, school records, and other issues that bio dad hasn't really been there for yet. Not to mention, he wasn't there when the baby was born, and you had the right to name him whatever you wanted to. You shouldn't be made to change the name. No reason to. Name does not signify biology! I didn't have my bio dad's name either.

But don't block bio dad from visitation unless you really feel you need to. The truth is that your son can gain from having this two dad situation. As long as neither of you try to use him as a pulling point, it should be fine. Arrange "normal" visitation schedules. Specifically holidays and such. Plan that some times bio dad will want special holidays. Ask well in advance so that you can plan to share that day, and remember it is about your son's best interest, not yours. It can be hard, but I am sure you can do it for your son.

Answer 5

Is there a way you can keep bio dad out of the picture? No. Even if his contact is limited, it’s still contact, and he is (I assume) paying child support (because you said you went through 'the child support system' and you never said that he wasn't paying as ordered--and if he wasn't, then surely you have stated that). Therefore, he has a right to be a part of the child’s life.

As far as the drinking, I’m not seeing how that’s an issue, because it doesn’t appear that he’s drunk when he’s around the child (I’m sure you would have mentioned it if that were the case). The court’s concern is what he does *around the child*.

Once you and boyfriend marry, you can ask bio-dad if he would be interested in voluntarily terminating his parental rights so hubby can adopt the child. If he agrees, then once it’s done, he will no longer have any right to see the child or any obligation to pay child support. But, if he’s not willing to voluntarily do it, no judge is going to order it (again because he does have contact with the child and pays child support, so it's not a case of abandonment or failure to provide).

Now, that response is based on the assumption that you live in the U.S., but if you don't, then things may be different in your country.

Answer 6

Assuming everything stays the same, your son will grow up with 2 dads & he'll be used to it. My stepdaughter was a baby when my husband & I met. We were concerned about what she should call me. So we decided that no one would refer to me in any particular way & see what she came up with & she called me mom. She's 12 now & she still does.

The only way you can legally keep bio-dad out of the picture, is if he terminates his parental rights and allows your fiance to adopt him. Many states will not allow bio-dad to just sign off (in an attempt to avoid child support), forcing a child to be in the custody of a single parent.

If bio-dad wants visitation, he'll probably get it as long as there's no reason it would NOT be in your son's best interest to see him (i.e. he's not abusive, drug addicted, etc.). If he does start wanting more time, your best bet will be to go to a lawyer & have an agreement drawn up - be very specific with times, holidays & everything you can think of. It really does make it much easier, even when you think you have an amicable relationship (eventually you'll disagree). Start keeping a log of his visits now - when he visits, how long, etc. it could be very useful in determining how much future visitation he would be granted if it ends up being determined by the court.

I don't know if they can force you to change your son's name, but if bio-dad is dragging his feet in getting this accomplished - oh well. It'll be his own fault if it becomes a more complicated task.

Good luck!

Answer 7

When you boy is old enough you will be able to explain to him that there is a difference between "real" dad, meaning the one who is there all the time, versus "bio" dad, the one who got you pregnant. I am not so sure that bio dad will take more of an interest as the child gets older, and you will just have to wait and see. With respect to your son's last name, who is listed on the birth certificate as the father. If its 'bio' then he would need to give consent to have his son's name changed, and it is a court matter. Visitation times vary from case to case, but 'bio' dad does have rights, and they have nothing to do with prior interest, paying child support, etc. I would file for him paying child support, and that is always good leverage to see if he really wants to be involved in the childs life. If not, have him sign over his parental rights, and then he would have no obligation. Your son will know who loves him, who is there for him and who raised him, and that is the real father. Anyone can be a sperm donor, that does not make them any more 'real' that the person who takes on the responsiblity and duty of raising the child... that person is not a 'pretend' person, he is just as real as the sperm donor.

Answer 8

one sperm does not make a father fathers are the ones ther good bad ugly kids are not stupid he will know who loves him more than themselves if the bio dad is there for 1 hour u can bet as he gets older the the visits will lessen time will only tell see a lawyer about the particulars but if the son has ur fiancees last name and bio dad does not contribute to support of the child u have a better case hes playin the convenient dad role very well

Answer 9

If the bio dad takes it to court, he may be able to get paternity rights, meaning visitation and name change. If the baby is at least seeing both dads now, he'll be accustomed to having 2 dads, and won't think anything is odd about it. Chances are alot of his friends at school will have the same thing, so I wouldn't worry so much about that. Leave it in the bio dads court how much time, rights he has. If he's not doing anything himself in court over it, then let it go at that. Don't let him "run" you over what he "might" do. In the mean time, just keep building a life with your family (fiance, son and you).

Answer 10

I think it's up to the mother to name the baby. My daughter has both of our last names hyphenated. As for the visitation - it doesn't matter what his pattern has been, if he goes to court for visitation they will give it to him. At the same time you can be collecting child support from him even if he hasn't asked for visitation. They treat that as two seperate issues in court. The child support division will do that for you for free. He would have to hire someone to get court ordered visitation. Good Luck. By the way be sure not to bad mouth the bio dad. The child will form it's own opinion as it gets older. My kids have 2 "dad's" also so I know where your coming from.

Answer 11

He can petition for the name change and it may be changed depending on the laws in your state. If he does go to court and receives visitation then he will be required to pay child support. If you want him out of the picture then you either have to prove he is unfit and that he endangers your child in some way or have him sign over his parental rights so that your fiance can adopt him.
Your best bet would be to take him to court first and have him pay child support and have the courts decide on a decent visitation schedule. Pressure the dad to step up and take care of his child.
Many children have two dads or two moms and grow up just fine...that's just more people to love him.