I found my boyfriend has secret porn stash under our bed. Am I not meeting up to his needs in the look dept?

Question

We have been together for a lil over a year. Unfortunately I am not very self confident and get jealous. So I notced he was looking on internet sites with naked women on them. Jealousy got the best of me and i mentioned it to him. I said is that what you want, am I not enough for you? We have had fights over it and he said its not me, he doesnt know why he likes to look but he does. I hate it but what am i going to do. So i dropped it. Then i was cleaning and noticed a book bag with stuff in it. IM nosey so i looked. A whole stash of playboy,etc. I cant bring it up to him I know, because i should nto have looked in the first place. I just cant help thinking everyonce in a while, why is he with me when he looks at all the huge breasted perfect bodied woman in those magazines. Is he settling for me, do I not turn him on?

Answer 1

first of all you should know, no matter how innocent a man portrays him self hes got a stash of porn's somewhere in his room. men are like that & theres nothing we can do about it...
trust me i understand your situation.
i felt the same way too when this happened to me, but i thought to myself....why am getting angry over him looking at naked women, if i know he will never met these women & if he would so what! hes with me because he chooses to not by force.
so my advice to you is not to worry! although it can be upsetting (at first)....just remember that he is with you because he loves you & im sure he finds you attractive if not he wouldnt be with you!

Answer 2

Its much, much deeper then your appances. The fact is man can screw a tree and be happy if he loves it deeply enough. Thats what makes things like this hurt people so much. Because it isn't anything you can fix. If he still has his own issues about his sexuality and has ego (pride) issues about who he sleeps with you still got a boy growing into a man there. The fact is that love increases the intensity of love making us move past a want for pride outside the experience. Of course nothings wrong with having some porn around its only when it begans to hamper the relationship that you should be worried. If it is thou then you do have a case of a boy getting into a relationship before he is accully a man. Of course people will debate with me over that I don't see how some 2D object can having anything more to give you then a 3D object unless there is deep issues there to intensify it. Like you feel sore because other man are having "better" sex with "better" people which is thought that is really just poison for the mind because it goes beyond the truth. That man can make any experience better for him, then for anyone else. Like the tree I mentioned eariler. But we can all change and as long as your not suffering from lack of attention from this fella let him grow-up at his own pace. Now if it is deprive you, then you need to talk to him about it.

Answer 3

If your boyfriend was an alcoholic, would you blame yourself for forcing him to drink? If he was a pot head, would you blame yourself for forcing him to smoke?

Porn is exactly like a drug -- it is every bit as addictive as alcohol, tobacco, or crack. It will not kill you but it will kill any chance st having a genuine relationship. He was addicted to porn before he met you, and the sad fact is that having real, live sex with a wonderful woman like yourself is not going to cure him of his addiction anymore than chewing gum will cure someone of smoking three packs a day.

The proper way to approach his habit is to not get jealous of the women in the photos because they do not represent real people -- they are more like blow-up dolls. Also, getting angry at him will not be the answer either because he will become even more defensive since he does not know how or why he is addicted.

What you need to do is to sit him down and to let him know that you do understand why he has a porn addiction, that you do know that he is not turning to porn because of anything lacking in your relationship. It's addictive because it presents a pleasurable escape from reality for him, just as getting drunk would do.

The major problem with porn, even in small doses, is that it desensitizes the feelings that one should be experiencing from real love making. It creates a dependency whenever it is used to get oneself aroused, when, in reality, that is the job of his partner to do.

Boys and men need to have regular ejaculations to maintain their sexual health because seminal fluid can build up and be painful if a guy goes for too long without one (assuming that he has had them before). There will be times when this need for the release of sexual tension is so great that masturbation becomes the surest and easiest path to get there.

The fact that your BF masturbates by himself should not be interpreted as any loss of interest in you. It is simply a means to an end, and should not be thought of as being that much different than the release of any other type of bodily fluids.

The fact that porn has been used as part of this ritual in the past is the reason why the habit is hard to break, Even with no visual porn around, guys will often visualize an XXX-rated tape in their minds to keep their erections going.

If this describes your BF, then he needs to be weaned off of porn,and the surest way of doing that is for you to watch erotic, but not pornographic, movies depicting love scenes and not acts of plumbing (if you get the picture). Also, you can try to spice up your sex live is to do some role playing or wearing sexy lingerie.

Ask your BF what would turn him on the most, something that does not include any porn imagery. Threesomes are not one of them. It has to be just the two of you. If his suggestion is not too off the wall, then give it a try.

The idea is to bring him back into the real world from the fake fantasy world of porn.

Answer 4

Hey now, let's not get too worried and crazy. Let's take things apart one at a time.

Porn is an interesting, and very misunderstood, thing. For those who enjoy it, we understand what other people get out of it and there's no real problem so long as it's not an addiction. For those who don't see the appeal in porn, it can be immensely hard to convince them that the myths out there aren't true.

People who watch porn are not using it as a substitute for sex, believe me. Porn/masturbation and sex are two completely different things. People assume the same things you do- that he's a horndog who constantly wants more sex, that you aren't attractive, don't fulfill his fantasies, etc., etc., but it's just not true.

The time that one spends alone with porn is VERY different from that spent with another person. It's interesting that in every other aspect of life, we expect an equal balance of time with people and alone time; we recognize them to be necessary to happiness. Yet in sex, we assume that once you have a partner, you have no "need" for solitary sex. That's bull. Sex with a partner is beautiful, amazing, but there are different goals in mind than when you're alone- with someone, you're working to please them, your mind is in a different place.

I know people who have amazing sex lives with gorgeous people- sex is always available and desired. And still these people like to occasionally sneak off and have some moments to themselves, not because of any lack of anything on the part of their partner, but rather because that solo masturbatory time is on a different level from sex with another person.

I guess my question is why it bothers you so much. Don't worry; I'm not harping on you for being worried, but if your sex life is good, you know he loves you and you love him, he isn't addicted to porn (i.e. he can still climax without it and doesn't watch it excessively to the point of avoiding outside life), then I see nothing wrong with it. Perhaps your feelings are hurt by his liking of porn because of those myths we discussed above, or, more than likely, because you expressed your concerns and instead of being loving and understanding, the two of you fought and made it even more adversarial- making him seem defensive, like he was covering up something.

Believe me, if he's with you and says he loves you, it's true. Or at least, he isn't lying about the porn. Honestly, what you need is not to make mandates on porn or drop the subject, but to have a long talk with him. Communication really is key. If he doesn't understand your reasons for feeling concerned, of course he's going to be glib and shuck them off, and if he doesn't communicate to you why he likes it and how it doesn't harm your relationship, then of course you'll be scared it means something bad. What you need to do is come together and talk openly, non-judgementally (this is the important, key word) about your feelings. Express your worry and the anxieties you have, and don't be accusative. You don't want to say something like "Why else would you watch porn if you weren't attracted to me?", but rather frame it in "I" language: "When you watch porn, I get worried that maybe you don't find me attractive anymore.". Ask him honestly what he likes about porn and listen to him with an open mind. Porn is a huge industry, and a gazillion men and a few million women (like myself) like it; it's not as though he is alone. Neither are you, of course- many women and some men, too, don't like porn. But the key is to come to a better understanding and then come to an agreement that works for both of you (compromise is a wonderful thing).

I don't know if that helps, but I hope it does. Good luck.

Answer 5

BOYS will be BOYS. MEN will be MEN. It's normal. Be confident. Dont worry. You go girl.

Answer 6

honey all men are that way . even myself . its normal .weman do it . so men do it