How should I deal with my 25 yo son, who let me really down?

Question

When my kids, a boy and a girl, lived with me I emphasized the importance of trust. Both good kids, but when my boy was 15 once he went to places he had compromised not to go. It wasn't anyhing so bad, just a mistake many kids make, but I wanted to show the importance of trust and maybe went overboard. He apologized, explained he gave in to peer pressure. He was grounded for a month and I told him he'd have to get my trust back, so for 2 months I controlled his moves, showing I wasnt' sure he'd keep his word. Then, everything was OK again. But he got very upset, extremely hurt, told me there was no reason for that, I had tortured him for a small mistake and hadnt been a loving father. He never got over that and since then our relationship has been extremely icy. Now I'm going through hard days, asked him some money, he lent and I promised to pay yesterday but couldnt. He said OK but reminded me of what I did to him when he was a boy and now it was me who broke his trust

He told me I don't have to pay him, if I ca'nt. The problem is not the money, he said he doesn't need it. He just wanted to make me go trough what I made hom go throw. He Just wanted to point out I was kinda harsh on him when he was a boy and now, as an adult, I do something worse.

Answer 1

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND,HUH DAD?
parents don't borrow money from their kids. it lets them down. You are their hero in every aspect. Not paying him back on time is even worse. I think what you are getting is a natural consequence. Now cough up that money and you two go to family counseling. You have a mental health facility in your state. you pay according to your income.
incidentally if you couldn't tell.... you teach your children and everyone else how to treat you.
You Be Reapin' What you Be sowin' "DAD"

Answer 2

I think that maybe your son has the definition of trust a bit skewed.....

The trust that I think you were trying to teach him was to protect him from harm.. drinking and driving, drugs, or as you put it, the wrong crowd, which normally leads to the other things.

If he's still carrying a chip on his shoulder after TEN years, because you cared enough about him to give him rules?!?!?!?! then he didn't learn a thing. If he doesn't realize the difference between a parent waiting by the phone for "THE CALL" because you child is not where he is supposed to be, doing what he is supposed to be doing, with who he is supposed to be doing it with....... and there is a difference,, yet he would compare it to a loan of money.

But you could have been one of those father's that didn't give their sons any rules to follow.... you know the type.. the one's that don't care.

You can only hope that he learns more before he has children of his own.

Answer 3

I think for your son who was raised to be honest about his actions, and then was not when he was younger has felt guilty for losing your trust, now when you are needing help and have promised to do something you didn't you both have let each other down!! He needs to get over the fact that you were being a parent and watching for his best interest when he was a child. But you need to understand that you as an ADULT betrayed his trust when you did not pay him back.

Answer 4

raising children is a hard job and it doesn't get any easier as they get older,i would simply admit to my son that i was doing what i thought was the best at the time of his punishment and i have learned in the last 10 years since that when we expect perfection from others we are always disappointed and i am sorry for the mistakes i have made and then set up a payment plan for the money let this be a life lesson to you both and work to get beyond it as parents we try and at times we fail its called be human but we cant let it be the reason to lose our children be the bigger person and eat a little crow i think its time.

Answer 5

It may take a lot of work on your part ... and his. Is there anyway you can just tell him what you told us? Let him know the pain you are going through, acknowledge any regrets about what happened so long ago. You were much younger back then yourself and we all make mistakes. This world seems to learn a lot more forgiveness and understanding. Spend as much time with him as he's willing to share with you and make the best of that time. Pay back your debt as soon as you can and let him know how much you appreciate his trust and help.

Answer 6

It's as hard for father and son to grow together as it is mother and daughter. I've had similar problems with mine. Once they get that age, they think of themselves as adults and begin to believe they are our equals. I have to remind mine regularly that I am the mother, have always and will always be and expect to be treated as such. Everyone makes mistakes, but mistakes have to be put in their place......the past. And move on. As long as you concentrate on past issues, you'll never get ahead. Pay your son back and try talking to him and let him know that you did what you did as a father to teach him something in life but that doesn't make you perfect. Kids don't come with instructions, so we all make mistakes while raising them. All we can do is our best. If that's what you did, then try to make him understand that but that you trust AND respect him as the adult he is now. Let the dead dog lie!

Answer 7

That is deep. And, I really don't know how to answer this one.
But, the only thing that I would suggest is talking. Explaining to your son that parenting does not come with a manual, and that you were doing the best thing you knew to do as a parent.
You never wanted to permanently hurt you all relationship, but were trying to groom him into being the best man possible.

And, then practice what you preach, because he seems to be watching you as well.
And time heals all wounds, so in time hopefully you all relationship will get better.

Wish the best with your son.

Answer 8

Obviously your son is still hurt over that inscident.

Though you intentions might be all right, your punishment does seem harsh to me.

And in any case punishment, guilt, shame or criticism never brings out any positive change in a child, inspiration does, and being a living example certainly does.

Preaching rules, and excessive control certainly backfires as we have seen in this case.

So I suggest before it is any more late, you confess to your mistake to you son, and 'apologise' if you can, sincerely.

Answer 9

Earn his trust you are both adults in this situation. Pay him back and tell him that you love him and want to get to know him again. He is your family make him realize that. Tell him that parents aren't perfect and that you certainly aren't. Make amends.

Good Luck!

Answer 10

TEN years ago your son did something to compromise your trust in him... count them... TEN.

TEN YEARS LATER, you and your son are still living in the past. why?

living in the past, and bringing up the past, won't solve TODAY'S ISSUES...

meanwhile, things happen, and if you can't pay your son back, then i guess he will have to wait.

it's not a good idea to borrow money from people, anyway.

i think you might consider family counseling and learn how to live in the present, as in TODAY.

in ten years, i'm sure you have both changed quite a lot... let it go!