Is it rude/inconsiderate to have family members just show up unexpectedly and/or on short notice?

Question

We have a nephew who is in his 20s (we are in our 30s w/14 yr old daughter) and is in the USCG. He seems to be "on shore leave" every few weeks and will just show up at our house without calling, or will give short notice ("hey i'm on the way") before coming. When he arrives, he tends to basically sit around, watch TV, eat our food and make a mess. He basically comes and goes like it is his own home.

At first we had no problem accomodating him. In fact, prior to his enlisting in the USCG, he lived with us for a period of time. But even then, his plan was to stay "one month," but after he spent all his savings in one week, one month became more like four months.

My wife is now in her ninth month of pregnancy and his act of just showing up is beginning to wear on us both.

Does anyone find this rude and/or inconsiderate? How do we broach this topic with him w/o hurting feelings? I'm trying to understand why I'm so bent out of shape about it....

Answer 1

You're bent out of shape about it because it rude. You have good reason. I would talk to him about it, explain that your pregnant wife doesn't need to be cleaning up after him like he's 6 years old and its time to grow up.

Answer 2

I think it's very rude and inconsiderate. Here's an Islamic perspective, not a sermon. Muslim men are directed by the Prophet (SAW) not to enter their wife's home at night. We enter during the day. Also, a Muslim family unit can turn away visitors (even family members) if they felt it was an inconvenient time and the visitor is EXPECTED to understand the wishes of the household. Now, I think a sit down feart-to-heart should be had with your nephew. Lay down the rules of your house in a manner that does not make it look like you have to answer to him, because you don't. Discuss it with your wife first on how you two want the issue resolved and go from there. I doubt you'll hurt his feelings because I'm detecting great love and concern for your nephew.

Best wishes. Feel free to hit me up, my e-mail is open

Answer 3

I applaud his choice about serving in the Coast Guard. They do pay him however and he can afford to rent an apartment off base, or one of those long term hotel's. He has obviously decided that you are "home" and his "family" and he has the right to just come home on leave. He has more than a day's notice that he is going on leave and should make appropriate plans prior to his leave. And that should not always be just to run to your home. You need to have a good long talk to this young man. Of course you have the right to feel "bent out of shape" anyone would. He is taking advantage of you. Stop it now before he becomes a serious issue between you and your wife. Good luck & best wishes on your new baby.

Answer 4

He is being rude and very inconsiderate of him to assume he can pop in anytime. The next time he calls to announce his arrival tell him, "Now is not a good time. Maybe next time. Have fun on leave. Bye bye" You do not owe him any explanation at all. He can even be turned away at the front door! You have to stop this now before he rings the doorbell anytime he wants once you have a newborn in the house!!

There is no reason for you to continue to "host" him on leave, new baby on the way or not. He assumes he can come because he hasn't been turned down yet. Say, "Now is not convenient for us, maybe next time. Take care. Bye Bye."

He is being rude by assuming you want him at your house, but you have failed to tell him no. Sorry, but you're both at fault. His feelings should be the last thing you're concerned about. If he hasn't noticed your wife is about to give birth or figured out that he is rude and intrusive by now, anything you say is going to be a complete shock to him. But you owe it to your wife to stop this foolishness now, as the man of the house you have to put your foot down.

Be sure you take care of this before your baby arrives! Can you imagine your poor wife dealing with a newborn baby and a 20 year old baby?!

Answer 5

`Hi there, I am so hoping that i can help... I to love my family and friends..but they have that same habit.. it got to the point where i felt rude in my own home because i would have to shut my blinds and pretend i was in the shower and "im sorry i didnt get the door, i was in the rest room" was all i could say when they would later ask. or we would be sitting down to dinner and a sister in law popped in with the kids when i had just enough for my own!!! Now dont do what i did and get angry one day and blow up! I had to apologise and make amends for what i should of just delt with, .. it is rude for someone to just show up or expect that you want company.. congratulations on the baby by the way, i just had a little baby girl so i can testify to how tired your wife must be. See my family doesnt do it so much.. but my husbands family has always had an open door policy, its the norm for them so i try to understand im dealing with people who dont know its rude, its their normal way of being , popping in is almost expected with them.. i was raised to believe you didnt call before 9 am or after 9 pm.. you announced yourself well in advance if you wanted to stop by and you asked if it was ok.. my point is to avoid hurts and resentments you have to simply and firmly say " You know, we love having you over but we need you to call and ask first because sometimes we have plans that cant accomodate company at particular times.. " You musnt feel bad doing this to those that overstep the welcome mat because although you love them dearly.. you will end up boiling over and saying it anyways only you wont be nice about it.. hope this helps.. firm and nice.. your wife needs her rest and her hormones are out of the ballpark, the stress isnt easy on her .. plus after the baby youll want to have that set in motion anyways so you can get routine with your wife, daughter and new baby.. i just went through this..

Answer 6

Geez. He's not just showing up without calling (which IS rude) but is also USING you!

Change all the locks and next time he comes by, turn out the lights and pretend you're not home... hehe....

or just tell him that because of all the people you currently have, you cannot accommodate one more.

Answer 7

No, I do not think it is rude. I think it is rude if you say anything to him.

The guy is serving our country and because of that, he is homeless while on leave. I say feed him and help him out.

If he is terrible with managing his finances, that what your talk should be about. But family is family and you should not turn your back on him no matter how much it bathers your wife. Women will complain no matter what is going on. Being that he is serving our country, you should be more accommodating.

On another note, he should be chipping in a pinch. How does our 14 y/o daughter feel about it? I bet she enjoys having him around.

On a personal note. I live by myself. I usually get in my van and visit family all the time without notice. The reason I do it though is they find me undesirable to have around and every time I call them, they make up some BS excuse why now is not a good time.

So I just show up. They always let me in. The more they seem inconvenienced, the longer I stay. I once stayed for three days, and I have a place of my own. OI have money for food and everything. I just like to spend time with my family sometimes whether they like it or not.

Answer 8

I think it is very rude. You should never just invite yourself to someones home. What if they have other plans or just want a day alone? Simply tell him that sometimes you just dont want company, as much as you love him and that he needs to give you more notice than he has been

Answer 9

Yes, this is rude of him. Family members aren't housemates, they shouldn't think of themselves as such. Tell him he can't come, that you have other plans. Good etiquette and being nice doesn't mean you have to let others walk all over you.

Answer 10

whats so hard about asking his lazy butt to clean up?? or asking him to bring pizza so he dosnt have to make a mess cooking? Ask him to help out too, USING family member, pleez i thought it was called love??you should just make use of having an extra hand around. AND think about when you will need help, he will owe you!