She is about to be 12 and recently we have noticed that when my husband addresses a problem to her, she just goes off. She actually does it to both of us. I know that a lot of it is hormones but I do not think that is an excuse for bad behaviour. She has been grounded and had things taken away. Nothing seems to work. Any ideas would be welcomed.
2007-03-19 00:05:11 · 17 answers · asked by peach 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
We have been married for almost 3 years. She has a good relationship with her dad. He will not tolerate her disrespect either. We all have a good working relationship.
2007-03-19 00:18:55 · update #1
Have the step father take her to a "lunch date" There maybe he can communicate to her his love and respect for her. Sometimes all the child is looking for is where they belong in the the new relationship.
Good luck!
2007-03-19 00:31:04 · answer #1 · answered by weepingwillow 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like she is out of control. You evidently have pampered her too much and allowed this behavior and she thinks she can bully you and get away with it. When you ground her do you take away her TV, phone privileges, computer, stereo or video games? Just sending her to her room isn't really a punishment any more. You need to let her know you are not going to tolerate her behavior period. Be consistent and have 0 tolerance for awhile until the problem is under control. Don't back down on the discipline you tell her she will receive. If it is no TV for a week, mean it!
2007-03-19 00:18:05 · answer #2 · answered by don n 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should sit down with her alone, just the two of you and have a heart to heart talk about how she's feeling and why. She is probably experiencing a lot of different emotions right now about you, her stepfather and her real father. Many young people resent step parents for trying to "parent" them. Maybe she hasn't fully adjusted or accepted her step father yet. If this behavior continues, I suggest counseling for her and possibly family counseling involving all of you to work this out. She is at a pivotal point in her life so don;t ignore this behavior. She is at risk for getting rebellious as she enters middle school. With middle school comes a whole new host of problems. Get some help. Good luck to you all.
2007-03-19 00:14:03 · answer #3 · answered by vanhammer 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think she has bottled up her feelings & is taking out her frustrations... I think she needs to confide in somebody she trusts, with your permission... not a forced situation, but a gentle easing... she may have problems you are not aware of!
(Not a psychiatrist!! But perhaps a mentor or discreet counsellor, a relative, close friend...)
lay off the heavy, heavy stuff like grounding, punishment/s- don't ever smack her or threaten her cos right now she needs to feel secure, loved & wanted...(not bullied!!!)
Check how she's doing at school too... make sure she's not truanting...
or doing drugs- check her eyes, her room, her bag, who she hangs out with...
Tell your partner to be more relaxed- less judgemental... more of an easy-going guy that earns her respect... forget old-school stuff EG. demanding respect on a plate...
She'll be impressed by all of you if you can put yourselves in her shoes... & treat her the way you would like.
EG. Remind her how much she is loved, what your hopes are for her, how much you believe in her etc., on a daily basis- & don't ever give up on her!
2007-03-19 01:00:16 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was the daughter in your sittuation about 12 yrs ago. Honestly if my mom had said: "Sarah, that is my husband and you will not treat him with such disrespect." I may have felt bad even if I didn't show it...plus I used it on my new 14yr old step daughter, only I said you will not treat ME with such disrepect...and I grounded her...her father agreed. Now she realizes I am just as much a parent as her dad...it really worked. But YOU have to stand behind everything he says...or it looks like you're the head of the house hold. Goodluck!
2007-03-19 00:40:46 · answer #5 · answered by Ashes 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Step parents can be a terrible thing to a child. I hated my step mom and still do but now that i am 23 i learn to stand her. When my parents got a divorce i started going to counsiling and it really helped me when my dad got re-married. Talking to someone who wont take sides and wont tell anyone what you say is nice. Also make sure that there is good time spent together. If he punishes her but doesnt praise her also that could be part of it.
2007-03-19 05:13:48 · answer #6 · answered by emb06@sbcglobal.net 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
maybe her stepfather cannot substitute her real father. i believe that's what she's thinking when she is not obeying him.
1) one advice would be not to force her doing something that she doesn't want to. she might resent him.
2) try to talk to her and see what reason does she have when is disobeying
3) be the one who punishes her, b/c in her eyes you represent an authority, but her stepfather is still a stranger
4) explain her that her stepfather is not replacing her daddy and that he loves her, even if he is not her real father
maybe time will improve the relationship between the two of them. try not to force things into one direction or another. she is a child and sometimes needs support, even if she does something wrong.
2007-03-19 01:49:46 · answer #7 · answered by AnneMarie 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all you two (the parents) have to present a united front.. You have allowed bad behavior and then your suprized when it continues???
Stop bad behavior when it happens and if taken things away doesn't work try giving her things...
Give her more chores
Give her a spanking
Give her a good talking to
Idle hands are the work of the devil
2007-03-19 00:20:24 · answer #8 · answered by dumpllin 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She's going through a rough stage right now, and it seems like she doesn't want anything to do with her step dad, just sit down with her, and have a firm talk.
2007-03-19 10:46:02 · answer #9 · answered by kitty 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i have been that step-daughter. and in my case nothing would have worked. nothing did. i resented him for being allowed to handle punishments and rules and all of that because he was not my father. i was never consulted about someone besides my mom being in control of every aspect of my life. i am 31 now and a step-parent myself. i do not handle dicipline in any way shape or form. he is not my child so i feel it is not my place to act like it. his father and mother do. and we are all in agreement on this and it works well for us. that doesn't mean it will work for you or that you want it to. i know you want him to be as involved as he can in your life but you may want to draw the line at your child. i am very close to my mother now. but i tell you what, i hated her then. and for the very simple fact that she let him spank me (not for long though) and ground me from whatever he wanted and however long he wanted.... etc. i do not care what anyone says, no one can love your daughter the way you do or care about her feelings as you do. i still believe only a blood parent has the right to punish their child. your child did not choose this person to come into her life, you did. it is hard enough for her to adjust to it without the added resentment of being controled by someone like a parent who technically isn't. i cannot seem to put into words what i am trying to say so i guess i'll give up. not many people feel the way i do about this and i get comments all the time so i don't expect you to try it but its all i got. i do wish you the very best of luck though. and above all let her know you love herand. respect her feelings.
2007-03-19 00:22:42 · answer #10 · answered by heather l 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋