Should I talk to my dad?

Question

My dad moved away when I was 6 to live in Africa. Recently he has moved back to London. We talked on e-mail every so often, but last easter he asked me to go on holiday and I said I couldn't go. He then didn't contact me again. I didn't get an xmas card or present, but suddenly in Feb he started ringing our house. He sent me a Valentine's day card and then he stopped ringing. However on Saturday night he left a message on our phone again. I don't know whether I want to talk to him or not. I mean he's my dad and part of me loves him and I want to talk to him, but the other part of me feels like he hasn't been a part of my life for years, so why should he come marching in now? Should I talk to him? My mum just keeps saying it's my choice, but I'm so confused.

Answer 1

my dad moved to new zealand and i only met him the once since then he hasnt sent me a birthday card or anything , he used to phone but then stopped, he is down for his birthday this year but im not going to see him. how can anyone forget about their daughter/son. theres no way my mum would forget to send me a card or phone me personally i would long him off.
anyone can be a father but it takes love and care to become a dad.

Answer 2

I had a lot of ins and outs with my dad growing up as well. I kind of always felt like I was put on the back burner and I would suddenly become his daughter again when it was convenient for him. I can tell you from experience, as I'm sure you already know - it does hurt your heart when you make an effort and see if fall through. However, trust me when I say this - don't make the same mistakes that he did. As much as it may hurt try to rise above it. If he calls - talk to him, but don't necessarily go out of your way to make the effort. As you get older - it will hurt less and less, and as long as you find an appropriate place for him - you will be able to move past this. By appropriate place I mean - he's not necessarily first, because let's face it - he didn't want to be or he would've been there. But don't put him last either, because then you're just being spiteful. I think of my dad more as a friend than anything - and the older I get the better friend he becomes. Some men just aren't good fathers, but it sounds like he is making a small effort to be a friend, so that may be a good place to start. Best of luck to you!

Answer 3

Your mom's right it is your choice. You could:

Live in the past and keep the past going.

or

Get to know your father.

Consider the bad choices you have made so far in your life and were able to make changes. Everybody has the right to make changes and decide to out with the old in with the new. Also consider that parents are not perfect - if you have allowed yourself to become convinced of that (without really knowing the present) you may end up going thru life with blinders on...that would be a personal loss. Things may turn out or may not but there are some positives in your question/info on dad's part. He may have had a wake-up call or someone in his life has been a positve influence concerning relationships for him to finally make a personal choice to take action instead of just thinking. Sometimes people don't realize many people are thinking about doing instead of doing.

Answer 4

You have my sympathy, because this sounds like a very confusing and upsetting situation. All I can suggest is that it sounds as though he has quite a complicated life, and he probably can't spend as much time as he'd like thinking about you and how you feel - and expressing how he feels.

If he hasn't seen you since you were six, and you have only dim memories of him, then I suspect that you both have quite inaccurate images of each other. Just as you are confused about his feelings because of the infrequent contact you have, he's probably just as unsure about how you feel.

I think it will make a big difference if you two could meet and spend some time together - become close enough to discuss your feelings. Just remember that he almost certainly loves you - enough to die for you if he had to! He doesn't have any choice in the matter - it's programmed into him just the way he has to eat when he's hungry, and just the way it's programmed into you. Any other feelings you have for each other are laid over that. You two need time together to get in touch with these facts.

One thing: part of you is probably very angry at him for not being around. Try hard not to let that out until your relationship is strong enough to deal with it.

Good luck.

CD

Answer 5

You dad is making an effort. I didn't hear you say that you pick up the phone to call him, or send him a card for his birthday. I don't know how old you are but communication works too ways. He should be calling and sending you a card but you should be calling him as well. The older you get the more important your relationships with your parents and family members will become. Just enjoy the time that you spend with him, don't judge him based on his relationship with your mother. Best of luck

Answer 6

1st thing congrats to your mom for thinking you are mature enough to make this decision. 2nd thumbs down to mom for making you decide all alone. You really should have a parents advice on this. Ask your self if deep down you really want a relationship with this father? I would call him and asked about all the in & out he has done in your life. See what his reasons are. See if he can establish a regular phone routine with you (once or twice a week) where he calls you so you know he wants this relationship. If he can do this for a period of time mabey you could move to lunch every couple of weeks. If that works out after a while then decide wether to go on a holiday/vacation with him. Good luck with this.

Answer 7

you're lucky that your mum llet you deceide by yourself what you want to do.your father contact you by e-mail you answered him so that mean that you are already talking to him.when he ask you to go for holiday you refuse and go for i don't know what reason,he didn't contact you because may be he was a little bit upset he want to be close to you and you're pushing him away.for xmas you didn't get any card or present what make you think that he did not buy anything for you.when he sent you a valentine's card did you respond to him to thank him. you said that a part of you loves him why denying that you need yor dad and that he has been missing you since he went away ,now he's back he wants to be a part of your every day life don't refuse maybe he still loves your mum and he wants to comes back in both of yor life..good luck.

Answer 8

Be blunt with him and ask him if he's prepared to be a full time dad to you and not swan in and out of your life as he pleases.

If he is then you should offer the hand of friendship and sleep better tonight. We all make mistakes.

He may be being like this so as not to appear to be pressuring you into letting him back into your life.

Tell him that he's got to be there for you all the time and see the reaction you get. Unless hes violent you will look back on this part of your life with regret unless you can say that you've honestly done your best to make amends with him.

Answer 9

Heh friend go for it! Your father provided you with half of your genetic code!
His family history is your history.
You don't have to be his best friend, after all we seriously cannot choose our relatives, but you may discover things about yourself through him.
And ,God forbid, maybe one day either of you will need to borrow a bit of that genetic code from the other.
He may not have been the best stand up father in the world, but that is his problem not yours. It was never of your making or your responsibility. Treat it like the opportunity to meet a celebrity and see where it goes from there.
You won't be hurting your Mum's feelings on a fundamental level if you explain that he does carry half your history and you need to make sense of who you are in this world. Plus, tell her you really have to know who this person who managed to capture the heart of such a wonderful woman(your mother) is.
I understand that you may feel that if you open up and he walks away again he will take a little part of you with him. But that is not a bad thing. Maybe he needs to grow a little more caring and be more like you!The part he takes will surely help with that.
I hope that it all goes well for you and don't forget it will require a lot of guts on his part to meet you face to face.
Good luck.

Answer 10

Your mum is good for not interfering as it is certainly your choice. He is probably just one of these people who doesn't do commitment very well. If he didn't want to see/speak to you he would have never contacted you again.
I lost my darling dad last year, we had been estranged after a row for a year but 6 months before he died we made our peace and our relationship blossomed. It was never perfect but it was good within the restraints of our differences. I am so glad we made it up as I would be inconsolable if he had died and we weren't speaking. You only have one dad, make the move and contact him. I wish you well