How can I let her cry?

Question

My daughter is a month old and she has her days and nights backwards always has even when I was pregnant. The other day I walked the floor for about 4 hrs and I put her in her bed. She screamed. Ive heard its good for them to cry. But It broke my heart. I started bawling. After 10 min I couldnt take it anymore and picked her up. If I let her cry I feel like a bad mother.

my husband trys to get me to let her cry. im a new mom and hes already been here once.she can be crying and i can pick her up and she'll stop. shes just now getting tears and everytime i see one i get teary eyed. ive only let her cry once and it prob wasnt even 10 min. it breaks my heart but people say we'll she will know mom will come and get me. i dont know what to do. i dont wanna give in but shes so little and it kills me to hear her.

Answer 1

My husband and I had this very arguement-babies (in my humble opinion) should not be left to cry until 6 months plus. It achieves the grand total of naff all before that(not to put too fine a point on it) apart from winding you and them up and making bedtime an issue before it has to be.

It is quite common for newborns to have their nights and days back to front and this will rectify itself in time-although I know first hand it can be very frustrating when they seem to sleep all day.

To try and speed this reversal up keep it bright during the day-and talk/play with her pretty much constantly while she's awake and then keep it dark at night(just a nightlight if you're feeding) and don't chat to her, just cuddle her quietly and make gentle 'shhh' noises.

I have three children, two of which are in proper bedtime routines (7yrs and 21 months) and are in bed at 8pm and 7pm respectively.

My third is 9 months old and goes to bed at around 7.30 when he's pretty much asleep (not quite spark out but definately on the way) so that he goes off to sleep on his own-and if he cries at that point I leave him to it for 10 minutes or so, by which time he's usually asleep. If he's not though he gets tucked back in and 'shh'd' to calm him down (no eye contact) and then left to it for another 10 minutes until he's asleep or we(rarely) repeat again.

The reason I told you that is so that you know that what I'm going to say works-and doesn't mean that you'll never have a bedtime routine if you don't take the screamer approach now.

If your baby is crying she wants something-that's the whole point of crying and very much the reason that you, as a Mum (and Dads to a lesser degree) are programmed to respond to it a.s.a.p. As very small babies it's usually hunger, wind or attention-knowing they're wet/dirty is month 2 or so usually (but it's always worth changing them-if only to make you feel less helpless!).

At a bedtime appropriate hour in line with her feeds give your baby a warm(as warm as she'll take it) bottle if you're bottle feeding or have expressed (breast feeding tends to induce sleep anyway so it's a mute point) and then cuddle her quietly in a low lit area until she's asleep (do the arm lifting test if you're not sure*) and then put her to bed and tuck in tightly.

Please note-you do not need to turn the TV off and proceed on silent running as it's counter-productive long term but the low lights will help her recognise day from night and hence bed-time from nap time.

Hard line parenting is fine-I'm all for it-but when they're old enough and at a few weeks old she's not.

Oh, and just in case you're wondering, my kids aren't whingy or permanently fussing because I didn't leave them screaming for hours-in fact quite the opposite is true-they're happy, content and overall very well behaved.


* Arm lifting test. Lift baby's arm very slightly and allow to gently drop-if she resists she's not quite asleep. If it drops she is-move her with confidence.

Answer 2

Oh I know how you feel! I was the same when my daughter was little, and my husband used to sometimes just hold me in a bear hug till the time was up (either she stoped crying after 5-10 mins, or he let me go get her).

When my daughter got older I sometimes used to use ear plugs - I could still hear if her cries got really frantic (nothing can stop a mother hearing that!) but when it was a softer more whinging cry and not a something is wrong cry, the ear plugs worked wonders.

I dont think your a bad mother for letting her cry - its normal to want to comfort your child and even if you do give in every single time, you wont necessarily have a clingy baby as she gets older.

Controlled crying doesnt always work and dont feel you have failed if its not for you.

In the meantime, you could also try holding a blanket or wrap you use for her, for a little while till it has your scent, then place that with her when you put her down - sounds kind of weird but a bubby always knows her mummy by scent before sight so it may be enough to comfort her when your not there physically.

Good Luck - hopefully in a few weeks she will learn to cope a little better away from you, but for now, there is nothing wrong with holding your daughter as much as you want :o)

Answer 3

I totally understand what you are saying. If you have done everything possible to try and soothe her then it's ok to let her cry for short periods of time. Sometimes that is how babies release energy, they can't get up and play. I still remember the first time let my daughter cry like that and it is heart breaking. If she is still crying after 10 minutes then go get her, calm her down for a few minutes and try again. I've learned from experience not to jump up every time I hear a whimper. I'm still having to live with the consequences and my daughter is 18 months old. It isn't going to hurt her to cry a little bit. It will get better, just keep that in mind and do what you feel is right for you and your daughter. You aren't a bad mother for letting her cry, I felt the same way. She is telling you that you aren't a bad mother by stopping the crying when you pick her up. That means she trusts you. And don't believe people when they say you can't spoil a newborn bc they are totally wrong, in my opinion.

Answer 4

I was there too not that long ago! Even the doctor will tell you that it's okay to let her cry a little. (I try to remind myself it's like her getting exercise.) When my little has her fits, I usually let her fuss for about 10-15 minutes (depending on the intensity), and then check on her & calm her down & then try it again. I live in Alaska, and my mom is in Kansas, and she got many calls at all hours of the night with both me & the baby crying. I was given a noise/light thingy that mimics womb sounds & had calming lights that my little one sure seems to love. I found that at such a young age (and still now) she is so mezmerized by it when she goes to bed. Also, we purchased an Amby Baby bed that is like a hammock that rocks them back to sleep when they wiggle around. I love it!!! She has slept for 8-10 a night since we put her in it at 1 1/2 mths. The only problem with the Amby bed though, is now she won't sleep in her crib. So find what works for you & her. And don't think your being a bad mother, just keep your patience and remember it won't always be this way.

Answer 5

it is not good for them to be left alone crying. 10 minutes is way to long for a newborn. 10-15 minutes is the "OK" amount fo time for a 6 month - 1 year old.
Young babies only cry because they need something. To be held, fed, changed. Crying is their only means of communication
To get your baby;'s nights and days straighter... keep the house as dark as possible at night. Maybe a very dim night light so you can see diaper changes and feeds. No talking, no playing.
Try to keep her awake and entertained during the daytime hours, but not so much that she is too tired. Young babies nees something like 16 hours of sleep a day, most of them should eb gotten at night. 2 hours here and there in the day is OK.
It will take some work, but eventually they will be straightened out. My daughter used to have her nights and days severely mixed up. I started putting her in her swing with it on while I slept on the couch. She quickly kicked around in the dark and I still got to rest. now she sleeps most of the night away because she learned it was not play time at night.

Answer 6

I never could let them cry! However, it is ok to put her down in her crib so you can take a breather, get a drink, go potty or hop in the shower to help you calm down a bit. Lots of babies have the same problem. Talk with your peditrician about ideas on how to help her learn the differences. In the mean time, when she sleeps...no matter the time of day,,,so should you! The more rested you are, the more relaxed you'll be when dealing with the baby and that will make a huge difference. Also, start thinking of ways to help her know day from night,...open blinds vs. closed at night, Bath after dinner, different jammies, rocking in her room at night instead of out in the living room during the day,...all of these things can help the baby begin to get the rthym of daily life. Good luck..and it will get better.

Answer 7

She's very tiny and vulnerable. The only way she can communicate is by crying. She is not able to manipulate her own emotions, let alone those around her. She cries because she is hungry, tired, hot, cold, has filled her nappy or she's lonely. Remember she was held inside of you for 9 months and she still needs to feel you close to her.

Don't let her cry. Hold her as much as you can. When you are tired of holding her, get someone else to hold her. Eventually she will feel secure enough to be left for a little while and one day you'll wish you'd held her more.

It will take her a while to understand day and night. Try to keep night times very calm and quiet and keep the lights low. Try to provide a bit more activity and interest during the day. She'll get it eventually - they all do!!

Answer 8

Let her cry for a little but not long enough to be distressed. It is not a good idea for babies to be left crying for long periods of time as they dehydrate very quickly and crying accelerates it. 10 minutes is a good amount of time. after a month try 12 then slowly increase it as your baby gets older Try and keep her up an amused for a bit longer during the day thus slowly changing her routine.

Answer 9

I'm all for letting them cry it out - but this is too young. Try keeping her up during the day - try baths - wipe her face with a wet washcloth, when she does sleep during the day put her down in a well lit room and don't worry about making noise - then at night make it quiet and dark, etc. She'll get her days and nights straightened out.

Answer 10

she is too young to just 'let her cry'. babies that small still only cry when they need/want something. IE- she is gassy.. still hungry... too tired...

remember she is still only a month old. babies that age still want to be swaddled and held close and it's very comforting for them to be held and hear heartbeats and your smell and your warmth and your touch.

most newborns have their days and nights mixed up-- they get that way when you are pregnant because during the day you are moving around yada yada- and 1. it rocks them to sleep so to speak and 2. you are busy so you just dont notice every little movement
At night you dont move much and arent busy- so you notice them moving a lot more.

give your baby time- she will figure it out eventually. Just make sure during the day- to put her in rooms with lots of light and when she is awake talk to her as much as you can and play and keep her awake as much as possible. at night keep all the lights off- or at least very dim and try not to talk or play very miuch when she is awake between feedings. this should help and gradually she will sleep more at night- my baby is only 4 weeks though and she still is sleeping most of the night AND day- espeically early mornings.