Why are my boys doing this to me.?

Question

I am a 41 yr old woman with 3 grown boys 22,21, and 19 i love them with all my heart and sole.my two youngest still live at home my 19 yr old is the biggest sweetheart youd ever meet.we are moving and two nights ago my middle son had the biggest fit ever because my 19 yr old was with us and i let him pick the room he wanted at the new house.my 21 yr old was ranting and raving saying hes the oldest and he should have his pick.they are grown adults and he was litterly acting 3 yrs old.i told him to leave if he doesnt like it find somewhere else to live and pay his own damn bills i do his laundry,cook his food,clean the house,clean their bathroom,buy his shampoo,deodorant,razors,buy the food,pay the power,phone,water and house payment and all i ask of him is 200 dollars a month and most of the time i dont get it or i have to fight him for it.he makes 40,000.00 a yr what would u do and what should i do.ive been in tears for 2 days should he leave

Answer 1

If I were you I'd adopt a 'new house new regime' approach.

If it were my sons(or daughter) then I'd be having a 'little chat' along these lines with them;

IF they decide to live with you in the new house then they will be expected to contribute $200 (MINIMUM) and will supply their own toiletries etc and be responsible for their own rooms-including the bathroom if theirs is separate.

The $200 will not include phone bills-they will pay whatever is appropriate to them when the bill comes in and a laundry demonstration will be available for anyone who wants clean, ironed clothes in the future as mom will not be obliging for free.

Late payments will be subject to a late payment charge of $10 per day up to a maximum of $100. After this point they will be responsible for collecting their belongings from outside the house as they will be out on their own until such time as the overdue rent and penalty payments are forthcoming.

I know it sounds really harsh but you're not doing your sons any favours by allowing them (especially the middle one-$40000 a year and he argues over $200?!!) to live essentially rent and responsibility free. I'm not for one minute saying just throw them out but they need to take some financial responsibility for themselves and more importantly GROW UP!

Answer 2

Let them know its your choice. The 19yr old is the youngest and less likely to move out 1st. Tell them all what you do for them and the one who makes $40,000/yr should be ashamed of himself. He couldn't ask for a particular room based on the fact that he doesnt pay rent. He should be offering You money (more even). He should appreciate you. I'd not clean up after him whe he decieds not to pay! Youngest 1st then middle, then oldest based on the fact that the oldest can support himself. You've already done way too much for them, they'd be lucky to find a woman who would do half of what you do. Put your foot down and keep it there.

Answer 3

Tomorrow write up a eviction notes telling the oldest to move out or the law will hall his as out.Don't give him more than a month to fined a place.He should be paying at least 1000 a month to live their,and that is without the fringe benefits.The youngest needs to fined a good paying job and move out.Point out to them no woman with the right mind would date them living at home.If they wont some Pussycat they need to move out.I should know I am 50 and now stuck here with a low paying job taking ker of my 81 year old mother.I do the maintainnets on the house and the cars,I buy the groceries and take ker of the yard,and my own laundry.I make half of what your son makes. Tell them I NEED some pussycat, I will move in and kick their @sses out.Go to my Q&A and look at my About me.I will need to stay in Salt Lake, my mom is too old to be on her own.

Answer 4

A person making $40K per year should be out on his own, barring some other problem in his life.

If he IS going to continue to live at home, then if I were you, I'd let them pick their rooms by drawing numbers from a hat. That way, nobody is favored, and it's totally the luck of the proverbial draw.

I do think you need to sit down and have a talk with your eldest son; it sounds as though hurtful words were spoken in both directions, and that should not be allowed to stand. Tell him how you're feeling, and stand your ground, but also let him talk about how he feels; in short - clear the air; you'll be glad you did.

Answer 5

Wow you sound like mother. Your kids are very ungrateful for all that you do. Your oldest child and middle child just threw a fit because they were hurt that the 19yr old got to pick a room. (In my opinion none of them should have got to pick a damn room) It is YOUR house and you can choose who you want to live there. If they don't get over it stick to your guns and let them leave. To fix this situation explain to the other kids they didn't get a choice in the matter because you figured they wouldn't be living there long since its time for them to fly on their own. You shouldn't be crying because your children our being selfish. You are a wonderful person to be doing all of that for your kids and deserve to have a smile on your face!

Answer 6

why are they doing it? Because you allow them to. $200 is no where near enough if he earns that type of money. He could not live out of home for that price. Stop doing his washing and cooking. Do not clean their bathroom or buy there products. These are for people who show respect and your sons do not respect you. Tell them when they move rent goes up and MUST be payed or their will be no food and no phone (unplug it and lock it up if you have to) make them realize just how good they have it

Answer 7

He is old enough and ugly enough to look after himself!!! Stop babying him. Tell him to start paying his fair share or to get out on his own. Also tell him to buy his own stuff and its time for him to grow up and be a man. I am 25 and my partner is 22...we earn that much combined...and do everything ourselves. If we can support two people on that salary and be mature enough to support ourselves at only a couple of years older. I don't see why he cant. I know that you love him and do this because he is your family but They cant rely on you forever and you need to teach them a hard but fair lesson. One day your not going to be there and they wont know how to care for themselves!!!! It could be anytime...My mum died only a few months (she'd have been 50 today) ago and thats it no more family for me

HE needs to GROW UP and be a MAN. He is no longer 16!!!

Answer 8

Ahhh boys! Girls re harder to raise. But boys are harder to live with! Some are really hard to get weaned! Best time to do it is with the new move!
Tips that worked for me....
1. Stay mad just enough to not give in.
2. If not taught already, ...time to take on a scheduled chore share! Make it known that with new home, new rules, or bye bye in 3 days!Make the 3day policy clear! Both do their own laundry with you supervising, bathroom cleaning shared by you with each at a min. of twice weekly for two to four weeks.
3. Phase 2:Chore list then gets extended, split up and rotated evenly without your help.. Cooking class taught by you!
Oh my,.. bills are why high! Time to unplug stereos, tv, water heater turned down, or timed shower/baths! If issue of bill sharing is still not timely.
4.This second phase has duel purpose. You are making sure they've been taught basic skills to live on own. They start to get mad enuogh about rules imposed and start thinking about indapendent living.
Expect it to be argued, by both, and both to argue amongst themselves. So when rules are being set allow them to help with Tricks o the trade so o speak,...you will need to find a way to keep your snity, and resolve! Without feeling guilty about being mean cold hearted,ect., find a little onery streak witihn and make a metal game played in your mind! Have a wee bit of fun. When he gets to throwing a fit, picture him in a bonnet wearing a diaper type thing. You can end up laughing instead of getting frustrated. They get get freaked out at not having you pegged and longer being able to call your bluff!
When ,fits are throwed, excuses made,dont fight. Just sing say...chores done for the day, share in bills you pay or take the 3 day policy,... pack and be on your way!
Hardest hing to deal with is being fair. Moms whether they realize it or not, do have a favorite. The others see it and feel inferior. So be real careful not to display any signs of this. No sticking up for and be very careful not to compare in any way.
Oh, you might want to mention ( in a super subtle none guilt trip way)your hoped for retirement, a posible grim chance of tha,t if you want to have as much taken care of that the burden laid to them is min. when you go,and that. of a living will. Like since you spend your money and time on them, and hey love mom so much,that they dont wanna leave, you feel confident in them taking care of you and paying for any of your unfinished affairs.
My three scrambled to make a life f their own, and I am still mom!

Answer 9

if they are truly grown adults, tell them to get out. not that bluntly, but make it clear that if they cannot obey your rules in your house, they are fully capable of leaving. if they are not really grown adults then tell them that they must respect their mother's decisions until they grow up and can fend for themselves. either way the essential ultimatum is be civil and respectful in your house, or live by their own rules in their own house.

they will be mad at first, but they will eventually understand that you are trying to help them become productive adults. that is if they have any sense. so if you think you have intelligent children at all, expect that kicking them out will help them in the long run, and they will appreciate it.

Answer 10

You are the mom. It is your house. Your rules. If they do not want to abide by them, it's time to leave the nest. Making 40k per year, he could easily live on his own. I think it's doing him a bit of a disservice by letting him stay at home and squander his money. He'll be at a loss when he gets into the real world, if this lasts much longer.