My Sister Just Died and He Wants To Get Engaged, How Would You Feel?

Question

Hi All,
My Sister was tragically killed 3 months ago. She was engaged to be married this year. After she died we all consoled her fiance. Now I have found out that he wants to announce his engagement to this new girl in 3 months. I am still hurting tremendously from losing my sister. I know my sister is in Heaven and doesn't care about what is going on down here on earth. But for some reason I feel a loyalty to her and like he (her fiance) is betraying her and our family. She loved him so much. What are your thoughts? Thanks for listening.

Hi All,
Thank you for the responses so far....I just wanted to add: I did want him to move on with his life and be happy, but I didn't know he would get over her so soon. I guess that is what hurts.

Answer 1

May be he too is doing this on a rebound for it is hurting too much.Anyway, he has decided to move on in life, it is time you too cut him out of your lives - thankfully, he was not yet your brother-in-law.

Answer 2

Oh ... I wouldn't say that just because she is in Heaven doesn't mean that she doesn't care what is going on in the lives of those that she loved just as deeply. She doesn't feel all the sorrow of her death, but I'm sure she still misses you.

I know this sounds quite cliche, but I think she would want her fiance to be happy. The only problem is ... 3 months is a very short time to move on AND get engaged. I would say there is something not quite right about that ...

I would probably feel tremendously upset if I were in your place right now. Not only about loosing someone dear to me, but because someone she was in love with is, in a since, 'replacing her.'

He could just be trying to fill a hole that he has lost ... or he could just be lonely and needing to be with someone ... but, like I said, that is very soon to be talking about getting married.

Did he know the girl before?? Did she know your sister??

There are so many things that could vary the situation, however, I feel that it is much too soon and I couldn't help but be hurt by his actions.

Answer 3

Okay,I do think that he should wait a little while longer to do that. However, I think that your sister would have wanted him to find someone else to be with.... to make him happy. I mean think of it this way, he lost her and she's in Heaven living a perfectly happy life, he's left there to do 1 of 2 things: 1) Deal with her death for the rest of his life unhappily or 2)find someone that makes him happy and still mourn the lose of your sister. Also he's not gonna have to mourn all alone and unhappily.

It's really hard to understand I know this, I mean I didn't lose an immediate family member I lost my cousin and well, that was a pretty big deal for me. So, I just wanted to let you know that there's a reason for this it's all in God's plan. Just take your time and mourn her death as much as you need to just don't give up on hope and don't hold what he does against him, ok? I mean it's not something that you can really blame him for doing, I'm sure that if you were in his place you would probably do the same thing

Answer 4

You must be hurting very deeply and I understand. Your pain is very deep but sweetheart you can't do anything about it,Just accept the fact that he is out of your lives now and moving on with his.
I feel also that it is way too soon for him to get engaged again but it is his choice.I hope he's not doing this for all the wrong reasons as he must be still hurting deeply too.
Maybe you could have a talk with him and the two of you could sort things out. Just do it calmly and try not to get upset with him.Remember that she loved him very much.
He is not betraying her as she is gone and too a better place.I'm sure she is looking down on you from heaven and take comfort from that.
God Bless all of you and I wish you the best.

Answer 5

Im sorry about your loss, I know you must be hurting and Im sure this is just adding to it, Some people cope differently, his way of coping may be to find a new love, I understand that his way isnt your way, but maybe he feels a need to do this, Kinda like when people break up and they run out and find a new love to fill that void, and in actuality its like the rebound thing. IF they do get married it will not last, he has not had enough time to come to terms with the loss of your sister and he has not had time to grieve. Alot of times you hear of these guys that were totally devoted to their wives and then after 40 yrs of marriage she passes and he marrys within a year.. Its a fear of being alone, someone to comfort them and the girl has no idea what shes in for. I wouldnt want to be a stand in I would want him to love me for me, not be with me because he cant have the one he was going to marry. Reguards..D

Answer 6

I am so sorry for the loss of your sister.
I have no words of wisdom, but wanted to let you know
that I am thinking of you and your family during this most difficult time.
I think it would be really hard to hear that your sisters fiance is getting ready to announce his engagement to another woman, so soon after her death.
I am wondering how your sister died so tragically.

I lost a daughter in 1990 to cancer. I know the pain and feel for you. Praying you find comfort and compassion today and always.

Answer 7

Im sorry about your sister. Honestly i think that he did betray your sister. I mean just in 3 months he was engaged again? For me, If the person who i loved died, it would have to take more than 3 months to heal myself. I truly believe that there is only 1 soulmate out there for a person. If that person died, I would have to live life on my own and hope that i will get to see her again in heaven.

Answer 8

I'm thinking that he's most likely reacting on the rebound. It must have been very difficult for him as well ... you should try not to take this personally or as an insult or disloyalty to your sister. Everyone deals with emotional pain differently . I think he's just trying to make his go away by pushing a head. It doesn't mean he didn't love her or wish that she were still here . Just like you , he's hurting for her loss.
I'm so sorry about your sister and wish you all the best : )

Answer 9

I think he is hurt and just wants to be married I think he thinks he will be happy if he gets married. I was engaged to this girl and when we broke up I got engaged to a girl shortly after we broke up but I broke it off then several months later I got married to a girl and we are going through hell right now we are not meant for each other. I wanted to get married so bad I thought it would make me happy and now I am miserable. The girl I was originally engaged too I truly loved.
Maybe he thinks getting married will make him happy. I think if he got engaged so soon after your sister's death I don't think he truly loves this new girl.

Answer 10

I think he is probably desperate for the love he lost and wants to feel loved like that once again. Losing someone close to you can be very hard, and many people try to mimic the relationship they lost with someone new. I understand your feelings of betrayal but the best way to handle it is to let him know that although you care for him and are his friend, you don't think that it is going to be beneficial to him or you or your relationship with him if he does this. Tell him calmly and firmly that you disagree with his actions. Try this technique called "DEAR MAN" in order to get your feelings across to him without him feeling that he is unvalidated.
1. D: Describe the situation
-stick to only the facts & make no judgemental statements
2. E: Express feelings/opinions about the situation clearly
-describe how you feel or what you believe about the situation, do not expect the other person to be able to read your mind or know how you feel & give a brief reason for making your request
3. A: Assert your wishes
-ask for what you want, say no clearly, do not expect the other person to know what you want them to do if you don't tell them, don't tell others what they "should" or "should not" do & don't beat around the bush-come right out and say what you wanted to say
4. R: Reinforce
-reward people who respond positively to you when you ask for something, say no or express an opinion. *Sometimes it helps to reinforce people before they respond to your question by telling them the positive effects of getting what you want or need. (i.e. validation of another's feelings/emotions/needs etc)
5. M: Stay Mindful
-keep your focus on your objectives in the situation, maintain your postion and don't let yourself get distracted on another topic.
6. A: Appear Confident
-maintain a confident tone of voice, physical manner, appropriate eye contact and refrain from stammering, whispering or staring at the floor
7. N: Negotiate
-be willing to give a little to get a little, offer and ask for alternate solutions etc.
Essentially, let this person know how you feel about the situation and ask that he make sure that this is definitely what he wants. I hope this helps, let me know if you need help adapting it to your situation.

Answer 11

That's very unfortunate. He (the fiance) might be just replacing your sister with another girl and he might soon find out that you can't replace love. Make sure that your family and the fiance are going to therapy, because this is a very difficult situation.