Is there anything that can make me laugh right now? I need to hear something funny!!?

Question

is there anything funny that i can laugh at - jokes, stories, weird dreams, anything!!

Answer 1

your mama so fat she well she's just fat

Answer 2

9 issues I Hate approximately all and sundry a million. people who factor at their wrist on a similar time as asking for the time.... i comprehend the place my watch is chum, the place the hell is yours? Do I factor at my crotch as quickly as I ask the place the lavatory is? 2. people who're prepared to get off their *** to hunt the completed room for the T.V. distant because of the fact they do no longer prefer to stroll to the T.V. and alter the channel manually. 3. while people say "Oh you only prefer to have your cake and eat it too". rattling correct! What good is cake in case you could no longer eat it? 4. while people say "it incredibly is often the final place you look". of course it incredibly is. Why the hell might you hold finding when you have discovered it? Do people do this? Who and the place are they? Gonna kick their asses! 5. while people say, on a similar time as watching a action picture, "Did you notice that?". No, Loser, I paid $12 to come again to the cinema and stare on the rattling floor. 6. people who ask "am i able to ask you a question?".... did no longer extremely supply me a decision there, did ya, Sunshine? 7. while some thing is "new and more desirable!"...it incredibly is it? If that is new, then there has never been something earlier it. If that is an progression, then there would desire to have been some thing earlier it, so it could no longer be new. 8. while people say "existence is short". What the hell?? existence is the longest rattling concern every physique ever reviews!! What are you able to do it incredibly is longer? 9. once you're waiting for the bus and somebody asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus got here might I be status right here, Dumb-***?

Answer 3

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,

"Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married
ten times?"

"Well, husband 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be."

"Husband 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to
me."


"Husband 3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

"Husband 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the
order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

"Husband 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but
wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-
of-the-art
method."

"Husband 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"Husband 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
sure how to position it."

"Husband 8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."

"Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."

"Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was..... God, I
miss
him!".....

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government.......This time I KNOW I'm gonna get

Answer 4

This should help.....



Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T
WORK)

Answer 5

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if y ou
want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls f or back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The
woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'a m?
Older Woman: Yes, her e are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

MORAL:Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies

Answer 6

thought i had to pass some gas while putting gas into my car and i pooped a little in my pants earilier today....now i am suffering from terrible diareha and not feeling so well so i thnk i may have a touch of flu....regardless,that is a pretty funny story eh...true story that is!!i had to laugh at myself!! hahahaha....good thing i did pay at the pump!!! i would have stunk out the kiosk!! hahahahahahaa.hope that made you laugh!!

Answer 7

one time my two friends were fighting just for the fun of it and one of them sed "you so ugly you cant even get raped". i found that funny

another time i was at my friends house and we were watching barney with her little sister and we were laghing at barney's lack of fingers...for some reason that had me goind for a while

another time me, my mom and my aunt were at a mall and we were leaving. we saw this kid way infront of his whole family skating on those shoe skates (heely's or something like that). he was skating smothley until he tripped over the rug and flew smack into one of the locked doors. one of his family members was rushing towards him to help him and my family and i were cracking UP. i was on the floor and everything all infront of this kids family. it was hilarious. i had no shame in laghing at him. ever since we laugh at any kid we see on the heely's thing just to relive that moment.

Answer 8

There was a pirate that walked into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. The bar tender asks, "What's with the steering wheel?" And the pirate replies, "Arrg! It's drivin' me nuts!"
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Okay, my mom's a speech therapist. One of the kids she used to work with would always use the "T" sound instead of the "K" sound. And when that kid was in Walmart, he saw a book with a cat on it and out loud he said, "Look Mommy, It's a ______!"
(Instead of kitty)

Answer 9

something that is funny is i'm in 8th grade and in Spanish I and we have to get points by reading books. I am reading books that are for 3- 6 years old kids that are in spanish i think it is so so funny. 1st thing that came to me!

Answer 10

This one time a cop needed to handcuff a one-armed man, but he didn't know what to do. His first step was to disarm him, next he...

Answer 11

i dropped a fridge on my toe in attempt to move it :)