Aging parent situation......?

Question

My aging folks are quite near 80. They continue to live in thier own house and get out and about for groceries and such. I visit when I can as they are in the same town. But I have such a hard time going to thier home for a visit......they bicker at one another over the smallest issue, I am asked to stay for dinner, last minute on a Sunday when I need to be home getting ready for the week as I am a single mother of two. Coming to my home is really not an option due to thier health and they are really stuck in thier routine. They will not pick up the phone to call and catch up that way.....oh no, all of us siblings must visit them at thier home, on thier terms despite our lives that go in ten thousand directions on any given day. I resent it. I don't even want to go over to thier home any longer but do.......for everyone's sake.
Who else deals with this? I can hardly stand it anymore......

Answer 1

I agree with some of the answers above in that it's frustrating when parents age and expect things of us, but it's so good that you and your siblings are close enough to see them. Our folks change a lot when they get older. Some of the their habits are downright strange. They have their own routines and move at their own pace. They don't always understand lives moving at a faster pace.

Slow down. Accept their quirks and ignore their odd ways as best you can without ignoring them. Most of all stay, active in their lives no matter how busy your schedule. How about you and your siblings working out a schedule so that you each take turns visiting and doing a few things? If you're bearing the brunt of the visits, it can really eat away at you.

Not a guilt trip, but I lost my dad when I was 23 and my mom when I was 28. My sister and I took care of both of them til the end. My parents had some really odd habits, and my dad was very opinionated. What I wouldn't give to hear their voices just once more.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Can you imagine being 80? Can you imagine being old and without your children that you've spent a life time loving ? Maybe feeling afraid that today might be your last and you may never see them again. Think about it .... are you so busy that you can't imagine some of the things that must run through their minds ? I know that it's hard to work and look after your kids ,look after the house, do all the running yourself and countless other things, I'm a single mom too. I know how exhausting it can be but there must be a way that you can manage some time for your parents.What if you decided you would do your laundry at their house or even just a couple loads once a week. That way you can go over and visit while you are still getting your things done.Make that commitment to them so that they know they will have a chance to see you , maybe it will help put their minds at ease. Maybe in the summer if they are able , you could all go for icecream or something once in a while. It's probably hard for them to get out and about so the confinment is most likely a contributing factor to their mood and consequently , their bickering.
Take a moment every now and then to imagine how you will feel when they are gone. You need to try and give them a little of your time. It won't hurt anything if the house gets a bit messy or the dishes don't get done till tomorrow . Give them a little of your time and let them know the joy of their grandchildren . It's so easy to get caught up in "the doing " of everyday life we forget what is most important . It really is the little things that count.Take a deep breath and make a choice that you can feel good about . take care : )

Answer 3

did you ever read the grimms brother story about a family that lived together? there was the husband and wife and their small boy. the husbands father also lived with them. now the grand father was old and suffered from what sounded like arthritis and had a hard time with things much like 80 year olds probably do. and at every meal the wife gave her father in law a wooden bowl so he wouldnt break her nice bowls and fed him in a corner so she didnt have to see him and the poor mans son looked the other way as he resented having to care for his father. but the little boy he loved his grandfather and didnt understand why he was treated like this and i guess thougt it was normal. so one day he made his father a wooden bowl for when he got older and when he handed this to his father he stopped and realized what he was doing and he brought his father to the table and he gave him a nice bowl and he sat there and apologized for how he was treating him after all was it not his father who supported him while he was a babe? and who would take care of him when he was older? the lad that made his wooden bowl

i understand everyone is so busy now and i myself was a single parent but whos going to make the world better if we dont?

Answer 4

You should never feel that way toward your parents. You should make one visit a week. Make plans to visit for about an hour and then give them a reason you have to leave. You only have one set of parents and once they are gone, you will miss them terribly. Old people get set in their ways, and there really isn't much chance of changing their minds.

Answer 5

I know the feeling. When I get a call from a family memeber, I open with "I'm busy but have a minute to chat" so the know I'm not just there for what they need also my father will NOT call me but tells everyone that he doesn't hear from me. PHONE WORKS BOTH WAYS. I had to let him know that when I work 10 hours a day and come home, I just want to relax after caring for my sons. I let him know that his is not the only person that I don't conversate with for hours daily, I talk all day at work and play a role, when I get home, It's late and I have to get ready for the next day. So don't feel slighted and if you really want to talk to me, don't call my grandmother to call my mother to tell me to call you and then say "I just haven't heard from you". It is really weird how parents see you as their child and forget you have tons of things to do to care for your family and sometimes when you want to relax, that's what you want.
Hope it helps, sorry for rambling

Answer 6

I understand your frustration and your anger. You are being manipulated and they make you feel guilty if you don't do things their way. My mom is the queen of guilt and she fakes a medical condition if I don't give her attention.

I focus on the fact that she will not be around much longer and that she does love me. I try to share responsibilities with my brother. She is a pain in the butt and difficult but she is the only mother I will ever have.

Answer 7

They are near 80, how old are you??? Obviously you are old enough to have kids of your own, so It is time to grow up and live life on your terms.

If they bicker, it's cause they like to do it.
If they invite you for dinner at the last minute it is because they just thought of it. You do not have to accept the offer, and you don't have to explain your refusal.
You should visit when you can, and only for as long as you want to be there.
You can phone them at other times.
NEVER, EVER think of taking them into your home.
They seem to be running your life now from where they live.

Your life is your life, stand up for yourself, give them respect that parents deserve, but stay true to yourself first.

Answer 8

You should take care of your parents. They raised you when you were small and you should return the favor by moving in the same town with them or moving your family in with them until they die.

Answer 9

the phone is not personal and they may not hear well. i think yu should visit them at least every two weeks.