I have a step-daughter that lies nonstop!?

Question

she is 29 with 3 girls, have a boyfriend we call K-Fed as he is such a loser. He hits the girls, pulls the 2 year olds hair and gives the 10 yr old wedgies. Finally after a few months we convinced her to kick him out. This lasted a whole 12 hours. 'K-fed' won't let us around there to see the girls, they always want to come here, they can't stand being at home and hate the fact their mum has put this 'bloke' before them. We have threatened to take the girls off her and we took 2 for a while (as one is still breastfeeding), but the fact is we don't have the room for them here as I have 2 kids already and live in a small place. Why does she let this loser control her, he won't pay his way, he didn't work for 6 months out of the 8 they have been together, the girls are missing out on so much, she doesn't even have enough food for their school lunches etc then lets them stay home. She LIES all the time about how she is getting rid of him – putting the girls emotions in overdrive .

We’ve had a lot of heart-to-heart talks with her, she promises then lies over and over, we even asked if he is blackmailing her in anyway. She says she feels violated if he touches her, but doesn’t want to be 'alone', and his ‘money comes in handy’, although she is better off on a single parent pension without him. We have offered 100% support if he goes but doesn't make a different, we have threatened to cut ties with her, and again she doesn't blink. She needs food money for her girls, but if we give food, K-fed is eating it, why should we pay for him? It’s got to the stage where I have had to take out a protection order on him as he threatened to punch me and my baby in the face – all this for helping her. I know he wants to isolate her from her family & friends and at this stage winning … child services are no good – here it takes months for them to even look into a complaint. Any other ideas apart from disowning them altogether if she wants that life?

Answer 1

She is not thinking about the kids...and that should be her main priority...I think that you may want to try to have some heart to heart conversations with her...

To me, I think that the issue is deeper for her than could be imagined...The man must validate her somewhere in her life...and it is spilling over and effecting the children...because whatever it is that is being validated for her is more important than her children...

She really needs to get some type of counseling or intervention going because she can not make the children pay for what she needs to be met in her life...

I would also have to say that you just need to keep on talking to her...and encouraging her about her good characteristics...No one wants to be kicked when they are down...and the more that you say positive things to her, the more they will encourage her to know that she deserves better for her life than what she has right now...

I know it seems backwards, but the point is that she feels bad about something...and he makes her feel good about something and he is the reason for her validation in some way...

But, the more that you push her to get away from him, the more she may draw to him...

It may also help if you encourage her about the children's well being...that way she can see how important it is to think about their future...and how that guys actions effect the way that the children feel about themselves...
I hope that things get better...

Answer 2

You could be talking about my stepdaughter. She just had her third child. All 3 have different fathers. In between she got married but they seperated after six months when she met the current baby's daddy. It was easy to see that she had entered a relationship with an abusive man. But no matter what he did to her or the kids she was able to forgive him. When we told her that we were concerned she became beligerent telling her father what a lousy dad he was, blah, blah. They always go on the offense when they feel attacked. She had the guy waiting in the car and I watched her tell him everything we said as they drove off. My grandson confirmed it the next day. I was keeping her two children at the time. They would tell me about the things going on at home. When I'd tell her what I'd heard, she would lie and then get angry at the children for telling me.
He convinced her not to let us see the kids anymore. It was a month before she spoke to us and 4 months before we could see the kids. She gave birth recently and the two eloped but didn't tell anyone. I can see my grandchildren again (with his permission). I'm doing my best to accept the situation so I can stay involved in my grandchildren's lives. They are 5 and 7 now. When they visit now, I let them talk but don't tell mom. He hasn't hit them except for spankings in the last couple of months. But I do worry about his lack of self control. Do what's best for your grandchildren. I have a phone number and a line that once crossed, I will use the number.

Answer 3

She needs help and her lieing seems to me as a self esteem issue. Maybe she feels she is telling everyone what they want to hear just to keep them from badgering her. Has anyone offered to take her in and help her and her children out finacially. Abused woman do not always know how to get out or have been made to feel that they can't live without the abuser. Get her some help. Maybe she feels she can't get anything better due to some former abuse issues as a child. If you have to call the authorities. Those children need protection. I would do anything for a child in my family or that I knew that were being abused. I would eat bread and water and sleep on the floor if I had to.

Answer 4

It appears that your stepdaughter is in an abusive relationship, if the way he treats her children is any indication. Victims of such a relationship often have a difficult time leaving that situation permanently--eight attempts is not unusual.

While I feel sympathetic for your stepdaughter, that still does not change the fact that her children are being abused as well. Get them out of that situation. Talk to her, but if you need to, simply call whatever child protective services you have in the area. Until that man is permanently gone from her life, her children need to be protected from him.

Best wishes.

Answer 5

I would not say she is lieing about getting rid of him. Maybe deap down she really wants to make him leave for good but finds it hard to. Yes, I know from us looking in it is hard to understand her keeping him but from her end all she might see is being alone with three kids. We also see that as better then being with him but again all she might see is being alone with three kids.

The best thing you can do is keep at her to see that being with out him is better then being with him. Help her in every way with the kids and show her that she will have you to help out when she makes him leave.

Tell her that it is this way now how will it be in 5 ,10, or 20 years with him.??

Good Luck

Answer 6

I think you need to actually do the things you threaten to do: If you can document that he hits the girls or physically abuses them in other ways, call the police and start trying to get the girls out of that family situation. All you have to do is tell yourself that you wouldn't be able to forgive yourselves if he went to far getting physcially abusive or felt entitle to be sexually abusive to them.
Just do it. Make sure K-fed and your step-daughter know that they will be scrutinized by local police (who will bring it to the attention of social services and then it will move up the list of priorities there). They will have to change something of their behavior just for that reason. Make sure that you have very good documentation of this first, important because they will try to keep you away even more. Then make it clear that you will go for custody of the girls but your step-daughter is on her own and her problems with K-fed after that. Be strong.
I am advocating this somewhat dramatic scenario simply because your step-daughter feels she has some power with K-fed around. She doesn't have to do a good job mothering her girls because he's her accomplice in that. She doesn't have to be strong because he is her accomplice in being weak. Who is being hurt by this? I'd say your step-daughter but she is not the priority in that household. The safety and well-being of the girls is the priority.
You say that you have threatened to take the girls. Well, do it but make it legal and binding. Your step-daughter will naturally think that it can be a vacation for her and K-fed until the next round of conflicts start. Your step-daughter knows that you hesitate because your house is small. Well, you can deal with the small house issue better than you can deal with your step-daughter and K-fed, I'm guessing. You do have small kids too and there may be the logistics of doubling up in bedrooms, etc. But at least children will be fed reliably, they will sleep decent hours, go to school, etc.
Don't even threaten. Just do it. Let your step-daughter run out of lies. I have a feeling that K-fed will be the father of her next child. Perhaps you can tell her that you are cutting off relations with her as long as he is in her life because you won't be taking the responsibility of the next round of kids she has. There are limits.
She is going to try to take the lying (having her cake and eating it too - which is having your support and your worries for her while she indulges herself with K-fed) about her life as far as it will go. That is, as long as you will believe even a quarter of what she says.
The best, absolute best, thing to do is consult a lawyer about all this, too. He may think that what I have described is a nice scenario but pie-in-the-sky thinking because the courts will never support you as concerned grandparents in this case. Then listen to him and see if there is another course of action you can take.

Answer 7

no matter how many months it takes, you need to file a complaint with child protective services and get it started at least! Is your step-daughter on drugs? Sounds like it to me. I went through a similar thing with my daughter. You can't leave the kids in that situation, they are defenseless, and you are an adult who knows what's going on in that house. you have to do what you can to save them! It doesn't matter if your house is small. Don't just sit there, GET STARTED!!

Answer 8

She is afraid of being alone and she is only thinking of her and not her girls. I think you should call child services and make sure that K-fed can't hurt the girls anymore.

Answer 9

don't be attentive to how lengthy you have been stepmom, yet while this is for any length of time, specific varieties and cycles are already set in action. actually, a technique or the different this is replace into them vs. you, and you are able to desire to truly evaluate how undemanding and how lots of this them vs. you mentality you're to blame for. parent it out, decide procedures to alter that. additionally, take a seat at the same time with your husband and tell him, you do no longer desire to push her away, you in elementary terms desire regulations and limitations in the domicile respected. arise with a itemizing of proper and non-proper behaviors. Be arranged to be a splash greater lenient on some issues which you many times does no longer, bypass over the checklist with hubby and in case you disagree on a habit, talk why. Ask him, why do you think of this is fantastic? or no longer ok. as quickly as you have arise with a itemizing, then ask him if he's prepared to be the enforcer of regulations, and how you will handle the situation if she behaves for him, yet no longer for you. Be arranged earlier to time, count quantity to 10 in many circumstances, attempt to stay calm, and wait and spot in the commencing up. Make him an lively participant, no longer the single everybody is going to and whines to, yet somebody who has helped set up the regulations and helps to enforce them. additionally, see what you're able to do at the same time with your stepdaughter to create a greater effective courting together with her. in keeping with risk take her finding out to purchase, bypass get your nails performed at the same time, females stuff. attempt to take an pastime in a number of her life, prepare her which you do rather care approximately her, prepare her some admire, and he or she might start to reciprocate. sturdy success.

Answer 10

if you really feel they are in danger the only responsible thing to do is to contact children's protective services, if something horrible happens to those children you , your husband , your step-daughter , and her boyfriend will all share the blame . if you honestly don't feel they are in real danger and just don't like the guy mind your own business