Dinner party - hosts cleaning while guests are still around ?

Question

When invited for dinner by friends we also call over, after dinner they clean up EVERYTHING while we are still arnd. offers to help are refused. Is not a hint to leave. they want us to hang around while they get the sink/dishwshr ALL done, garbage chngd, counters wiped, china putaway...
Like, when we leave they can shut the door & go straight to bed. AFTER that, they want to socialize/chat.
My husband says that their way of doing it, respect it.
I have no problem, but I feel when they start cleaning up,
I can also start to leave (kids & a drive).

They and we have set aside time to meet/chat. We shld focus on that after a 10-15 min basic cleanup, table cleared, put away perishables.
I leave the detailed cleanup for later. This might not be everyone's style, I know. But, I also refuse to wait around while they detail-cleanup. they've invited me, thanks, I also have made the time to come over & will host too.

Is it the norm to do all cleanup while guests are around?

Answer 1

It's just their way. Take it or leave it.

Answer 2

My family does it that way. The thing is that there's usually so many people around to amuse everyone and (at least some of) the guests are usually close enough to the hosts to keep the conversation going while cleanup is taking place. When you do a dinner party right, the mess is huge. You need to get most of it done right then so you don't have to face a disaster later when you're tired.

I think you should accept how they do it or if it bothers you that much, visit less often.

Don't you think it's even more rude to eat and run?

Oh, and by the way, just because they refuse your offer of help doesn't necessarily mean they don't want it. It's possible they are just being polite. You shouldn't even ask. You should just jump right in and help. I wouldn't be surprised if they are saying behind your back how lazy and ignorant you are for never helping.

Don't shoot the messenger.

Answer 3

It seems to me that it would not be a good idea; you were invited to a party, not to watch while the hosts clean and put away the china. I'd say the same for preparations, except everybody understands that we're not expert cooks nor do we have servants, and some preparation is necessary while the guests are around. A small amount of clean up, moving dishes into the kitchen and rinsing them seems reasonable to me.

Besides, this is saying (though probably not consciously) my time is more important than yours - my getting to bed is more important than your drive and getting the kids in bed, etc. I think you are reasonable saying that you need to leave if you see that this is going to take more time than you can spare, as long as you're not leaving right after dinner.

However, I would not assume any evil intention on their part. They may just be doing it out of habit. So you might suggest "let me help you rinse the dishes, so we can talk." They may take the hint, maybe not. In the mean time, you get some quality time talking while doing the dishes. I have had good conversations with somebody while helping them clean their dishes.

Answer 4

I don't think so. Usually when I have a dinner party, I wait until everyone is gone, then I clean up. Of course I tidy up and put all the dishes in the kitchen and whatnot, but then I get right back out to the guests. I would feel very awkward if I was a guest ad the host was cleaning while I was still there.

Answer 5

Some people just can't sit down and chat when there is a mess in the kitchen or food on the dinner table. They are compelled to clean up mostly due to years of training from their Mother's telling them to take their plates to the kitchen.

If you enjoy these people's company and have fun with them, then just talk to them while they tidy up. Keep them company in the kitchen and offer help but if they say no just chat away and enjoy yourself.

Also, if after you have eaten you actually want to leave right away let them know in advance that you have to make it a short night.

You could try planning time together that is not around meal time so you can chat and visit then go home and have a meal with your kids.

Answer 6

Yes, it's just their way. My side of family does it that way and expects help from able bodied guests. His side does it after guests have left except for the 15 minute basic clean up.

I had to change my ways and let piles and piles of dishes sit and just sit and visit(very hard for me to do) then after they leave I have hours of clean up--I guess I won't be hosting much if I don't like that.

I think both ways can be offensive to different people. Maybe if the occasion is casual you can expect a little help and do a little more than the basic--my mom really expects me to do the entire cleanup because she hosted even with 3 small fussy children and a drive--sucks to be me. When she is my guest she does pitch in accordingly though. Not his side--I feel slightly miffed that I am not allowed to pitch in when they are host--like I'm just dead weight sitting there waiting for them to do the 15 minute basic. Then they send us home with loads of food --I'm unworthy.

Answer 7

That is definitely not the norm. According to 'Miss Manners', a host/ess should take care to remove perishable food items and make her/his home a clean and safe environment for his/her guests. However, she does go on to state that the heavy duty wash up can be delayed until after the last guest has departed. I way I do things is to put away anything that might spoil and leave everything else until morning. I can see how you would want to start packing up and get ready to go home but if you want to keep socializing with your friends you need to decide if you can live with their idiosyncrasy. If you can great, If you can't, perhaps you can talk to them and explain to them how you feel. Maybe they will understand and change how they clean up after their next get together.

Answer 8

I think your hosts choice to do detailed cleaning while their guests are still present is in very poor taste. While it might be acceptable to clear the dishes, etc. it is ill mannered to leave guests and clean the house. As much as we all hate to face a messy kitchen in the mornings, time should be spent having coffee, chatting, making guests feel welcomed for the entire visit.

Answer 9

In proper etiquette it is considered rude, whenever you have guests everything should be planned in advance so the host/hostess can devote all their time and attention to their guests, clean-up should be done only after the last guest has left or the next day even.

Answer 10

It's VERY common for people to clean up after dinner, but in a situation where there are only two couples, one of them really should be with the guests.

Answer 11

I understand your point. I have the same problem when I entertain. I want to spend as much time enjoying my company and as little time preparing and cleaning up while they are still there. So I prepare 90% of everything before they arrive, but, even so, I still have to do some cleaning up , clearing dirty dishes, or plating desserts...